Finally, A Sports Related Excuse For Keyboard Cat

Keyboard Cat is one of our favorite Internet phenomenons, right up there with Auto-Tune The News and about 2,323,974 places ahead of Twitter.  And now, finally, we have a sports themed Keyboard Cat video to share with you in this space.  And it also features Isiah Thomas.  So, you know, if you plan on dying soon, today might not be the worst day.  Sorry we couldn’t get this up sooner, Jacko. 

I can’t say this is the best Keyboard Cat episode I’ve seen, that honor goes to this insanity.  Still, someone’s heart was in the right, hateful place when they crafted this gem. 

Bootlegged from With Leather

Tags: basketball, Isiah Thomas, NBA

RIP Florida International Basketball

"Do your future plans include ruining the Knicks and coaching FIU?"

The Athletic Director at Florida International University made quite a splash today.  He did it by tying a large rock to FIU’s men’s basketball program and hucking it into the ocean.  The basketball program is survived by wife, the women’s basketball program, brother, the football program, and children, the tennis and soccer programs.  Funeral services will be held November through March. 

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, FIU hired Isiah Thomas to be the head coach of their men’s basketball team.

University President Modesto A. Maidique obviously gave the media a fake name to avoid scrutiny, but said “having a nationally recognised coach like Isiah at FIU will have a positive impact on our university as a whole, helping us achieve additional national exposure.”

I suppose as long as you keep a loose definition of ‘positive impact’, he’s right.  When there are media members crawling all over campus trying to find the girl who is accusing your basketball coach of sexual misconduct, you will be getting additional national exposure. 

As for Isiah, he had this to say: “Coming back to the college game has always been a dream of mine”, which is probably why he hasn’t mentioned any intentions to coach in college or been connected to any job openings until now.  You should probably interpret that as, ‘Coming back to the college game has always been a last resort of mine.’

He continued: “I didn’t want to pass up an opportunity to go somewhere where we can build a basketball legacy together.”  That sounds like something he would have said when the Knicks hired him.  That could be a bad omen.  Isiah seems to know that a legacy doesn’t have to necessarily be a positive thing.  Arkansas Pine Bluff has a basketball legacy, but they probably wish they didn’t.  Florida International is about to have a basketball legacy that includes Isiah Thomas, so they are probably going to wish they didn’t have a team at all.

Via With Leather

UPDATE: In a move no doubt inspired by his former coach, Bob Knight, Thomas has announced he will donate the first year of his salary back to FIU.  This could be because he’s still getting paid an incredible sum of money by the Knicks and Florida International is having to lay people off, but I’d prefer to think that Isiah assumes his performance won’t be worthy of a salary.

Tags: basketball, Florida International, Isiah Thomas, NCAA, New York Knicks

Last Bastion of Terrible Basketball Shuts Down

Next for this mascot, panhandling and coke addiction

If you’re anything like me, you’re the world’s sexiest man, you’re delusional and you thought the CBA was Canada’s professional basketball league.  Turns out CBA stands for Continental Basketball Association and it’s 4 (4?!?) franchises are based in the U.S.  Shocking news about the league no one knows about with 4 teams, it’s going bust.  I know.  I haven’t been this shocked since I found out size really does matter. 

The league has been around in some form since 1946 and survived Darryl Dawkins destroying goals and Isiah Thomas destroying everything else.  But in the end, the little league that could was destroyed by the one thing it couldn’t survive- a broken heart.  Oh, I mean crushing debt and a lack of profits. 

The league’s commissioner says the CBA might attempt a comeback if the economy picks up, but it seems like something you say to make everyone involved feel better.  Like “we can still be friends” or “don’t worry, nobody is going to miss her.”

Tags: basketball, CBA, Darrly Dawkins, Isiah Thomas

New York Knicks Signed Super Mario?

Si, is-ah hard being da stereotype. Where mah pizza?

Danilo Gallinari is a rookie for the New York Knicks with the back of a 50 year old dock worker.  He finally got back into action this week, but was unhappy about the stadium announcer’s pronounciation of his name and the choice of music played after he scored.  I initially thought, shouldn’t he be focused on playing defense, not the music playing, but then I remembered he’s coached by Mike D’Antoni and was amazed he wasn’t using that time to nap. 

Gallinari said “I no-ah like-ah da moozik.  Danilo like-ah ahhh, how yoo say, da rap.”  Experts agree he sounded more like Mario, as in brother of Luigi, than a basketball player.  This is what you get New York fans.  Bring in an Italian coach and you get Italian players.  Before long he’ll have Nate Robinson getting an Italian flag tatoo and he’ll be calling the team Inter New York. 

If Isiah was still around, he’d have Danilo sounding like Nas by now. 

“Gyeah, Danilo wanna give a shout out to the homies on 125th, keep it real fellas.  Ciao, bitches!”

Tags: basketball, Danilo Gallinari, Isiah Thomas, Mike D'Antoni, NBA, New York Knicks

NBA Bottom 5

Remember when the Celtics were the unquestioned lords and masters of the NBA?  Now they can’t win a game and everyone seems really worried.  Why?  They play in the East, as long as they stay above .500, or actually within shouting distance of an even record, they’ll make the playoffs and then they can turn it on and lose to the Cavs.  Also, who told OKC they could start winning every week, it’s once a month if at all you bunch of screw ups.

5. Charles Barkley- He’s becoming a regular in the Bottom 5, meaning rehab is only a few weeks away.  Today, it was announced he will be taking a leave of absence from TNT after it was revealed that he was indeed legally drunk when he was taken into custody about a week ago.  With Chuck gone, they’d better sign Wilt Chamberlain’s ghost and Chris Tucker or I’ll be boycotting Inside the NBA.

4. Chucky Atkins- He went from a cushy front row seat to an improving and entertaining Nuggets team in beautiful Denver, to realizing he’s only worth Johan Petro and a 2nd rounder and getting shipped to the worst team in the league.  Plus, he may actually have to get in the game every once in a while.  He’s 34, in my book that’s well past working age.  This is borderline geriatric abuse.

3. Dick Vitale Impressions- What the hell is wrong with NBA personalities?  Dick Vitale is one of the easiest people in the world to impersonate, but somehow these guys ended up sounding like a retarded moose in heat.  D-Wade was decent, but what’s with George Karl’s falsetto even before the impression.  And then there’s Dirk Nowitzki, proving once again that World War 2 was really started because the Germans have no sense of humor.

2. Robin Lopez- For so, so many reasons but how about we blame his appearance here on the fact that he has more personal fouls than rebounds and he’s been replaced in the Suns’ rotation by Louis Amundson.  Embarrassing.  Plus, he still looks like a Hollywood Blvd. drag queen and sounds like Bullwinkle on stupid pills. 

1. Darius Miles and the Blazers- Miles is an official free agent after clearing waivers and Portland gets cap-space relief if no one signs him because they’ve claimed that he suffered career ending injuries to his knees.  He played for Memphis for a bit this season, but it’s best to ignore that because it just confuses things.  Portland is now threatening other teams that they will sue if Miles gets signed, specifically if he’s signed just to mess with Portland.  So if you’re Miles, you’re overweight, have bad knees, your signature “attennas up” move is outdated and a team is actively trying to keep you out of the league.  If you’re the Blazers, stop being a bunch of assholes.  I’d sign Darius if I had a team… it’s times like these I miss Isiah Thomas.

Tags: Boston Celtics, Bottom 5, Charles Barkley, Chucky Atkins, Cleveland Cavaliers, Darius Miles, Denver Nuggets, Dick Vitale, Dirk Nowitzki, Dwyane Wade, George Karl, Isiah Thomas, Johan Petro, Louis Amundson, Memphis Grizzlies, NBA, Oklahoma City Thunder, Portland Trailblazers, Robin Lopez, TNT