Jared Allen: Lock For Most Valuable Douche

Why does tragedy never strike where it's needed most?

Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is a lot of things: a great pass rusher, a redneck, a drunk, an idiot, a douchebag and occasionally an infuriating jack-in-the-box.  Ravens offensive lineman Michael Oher is also a lot of things: a rookie, a former foster-child, gigantic, and the main character in an upcoming feature film. So, when those two individuals have a war of words in the media, which one do you think I’m going to side with?

The Vikings survived a furious comeback attempt in Minneapolis Sunday when Ravens kicker Steven Hauschka missed a 44-yard field goal attempt.  After the loss, Oher was asked how he thought he handled Minnesota’s Pro Bowl D-end after making just his second career start at left tackle.

In the second half, I feel like I shut him out.  There is nothing really special about him[...]

I think he found out I’m an OK player.  Guy makes like $100 million. I think I did all right.

Allen ended the game with 7 total tackles, 4 for loss, and one sack.  That’s a productive game, but certainly not as dominating as he has been in other contests.  Also, the Ravens scored 4 second half TDs including 3 in the 4th quarter and drove into range for a game winning field goal attempt.  I’d say that Oher has a decent case for saying that he shut Allen out in the second half.  As for saying there’s nothing really special about him, well, I have to disagree with him there.  Allen is all kinds of special.  The kind of special where you wonder if he rides the team bus or follows in a significantly shorter model.  The kind of special where you wonder if his doctor has advised him to keep that helmet on at all times.

Asked to respond to Oher’s statement, Allen took the opportunity to show off his special intellect:

Well that’s just some idiot trying to talk himself up.  I beat that dude like a red-headed stepchild, let’s be honest. If he was so good why did they have to chip me all day? Ask him that[...]

Besides, you lost and your quarterback spent his whole day on the back of his head until the fourth quarter. That guy will watch film today and realize. Everybody else in the world saw me abuse him.

So, to recap, Oher claimed to have shut Allen out and Allen responds to that egregious allegation by claiming to have dominated Oher except for the 4th quarter, which happens to be a fairly large piece of the second half.

Plus, the whole world didn’t see Allen do anything yesterday because the Saints were playing the Giants and Drew Brees and I are tight like pants on Beyonce.

I will give Allen credit for choosing his method of response well.  Rather than an email or text message, he appeared on a radio show to voice his opinion, which is a positive for him because even he hasn’t figured out a way to misspell words while speaking on the radio.

When all is said and done, the Ravens still lost, the Vikings are still undefeated and Jared Allen is still an insufferable douche and leading example that football causes irreversible brain damage.

Tags: Baltimore Ravens, football, Jared Allen, Michael Oher, Minnesota Vikings, NFL

Carl Eller Listens To Too Much Ice-T

If QB's had night sticks, he wouldn't be a hall of famer

Former Minnesota Viking Carl Eller was arrested in April for a bunch of shit, and now he’s suing the Minneapolis police for using excessive force and destroying video footage of the incident.  Eller allegedly drunkenly rolled a stop sign, almost hit a squad car, refused to pull over until he reached his home, then threatened and beat two officers.  Sounds like a full night for most, but not a Purple People Eater.

Eller still measures out to 6-6 and 270, so I’m thinking any force is necessary.  Run him over with your car if you have to, or pull some Looney Tunes gag where you hand him a box of chocolates with a stick of TNT in it.  But then, it seems many cops are lying scumbags so who can you trust? 

Eller also alleges that the Minneapolis police have designed a plan to actively persecute African-Americans.  That may be true, but if there were no pro sports in Minnesota, there’d only be 2 black guys there… one when Prince is on tour.  So maybe it would be more accurate to say the police are going after professional athletes.  If a story breaks about Jared Allen getting his ass kicked by police while Kent Hrbek and Joe Mauer tape it, then we’ll know for sure. 

By the way, I would love that video.  I don’t think I can legally put a bounty out for a tape of Jared Allen getting his trashy face bashed in, but I can say that I’d be so happy to see it, I might absent mindedly put some money on a table and then turn away.

More on this story available here so check it out, because reading is FUNdamental.

Tags: Carl Eller, Jared Allen, Joe Mauer, Kent Hrbek, Minnesota Vikings, NFL