Joe Buck
Hamilton-Inspired Character Collapse Scenarios
You can practically hear Josh yelling "Freedooooooom!"
The sporting world has a plethora of character stories and expectations. Every now and then someone like Josh Hamilton comes along and shatters every universally held belief about himself, which tends to shake confidence in the public image of all other prominent figures.
Here are a few headlines that could break in the following vein that would be at least as shocking, and quite funny or awful, depending on the rigidity of your morality.
Joe Buck Implicated in Child Pornography Ring After seizing the great announcer’s son’s computer, authorities have reported they could have recovered as much as 6 GB of underage pornography, some involving Mr. Buck and his child-like penis. “The worst part was how condescending he was towards the children while molesting them” said one officer who wished to remain unnamed. “I thought I’d seen everything this f*cked up world has to offer, until I saw that pompous boy-lover narrating his own pedo-tapes. All of us got physically ill at one point or another.”
Brett Favre Disappears The former current currently former NFL quarterback’s wife tells reporters that her husband has quietly left civilization to pursue life as a hermit deep in the Smokey Mountains. She said he had grown tired of media attention, and hated being in the spotlight almost as much as he hated shaving his stupid face. In a related story, Tony Kornheiser has been found dead in a rented motel room, hung by a pair of dirty underpants believed to be worn by Mr. Favre in his last game as a NY Jet.
Stephen A. Smith Joins a Monastery, Vows a Life of Silence Former NBA analyst and open racist, Stephen A. Smith, has left the United States to join a Monastic Order located in Northern Austria, known for their strict vow of silence. According to a press release read by his agent, Mr. Smith had always found thinking of things to say a challenge, which is why he would often repeat the exact same phrase multiple times at various volume levels during live segments and pod casts. “It was obvious to all of us who followed Stephen’s career in media that he really never had anything intelligent to say. His last words to me before boarding his flight to Europe were ‘A man can only cover his ignorance by shouting for so long, and the good lord has finally called on me to shut the f*ck up’.”
Vin Scully Arrested in Gang Shooting The famed Dodger announcer of 61 years has been held without bail after a bloody exchange of gunfire which left nine dead and four more wounded in Los Angeles’s Mount Washington neighborhood. Witnesses say the soft-spoken elderly announcer approached two stopped vehicles at an intersection early yesterday evening. After a heated exchange, they say the geriatric statesman of Irish heritage pulled two firearms out of his coat pockets and opened fire on both cars, killing all occupants and wounding some spectators near by.
Kurt Warner and Tim Tebow Marry in Hawaii The two obnoxiously-religious quarterbacks have both forsaken their Christian faith to declare their undying love for each other in a secular ceremony on the Island of Lanai this weekend. Both men agreed that there is no way Jesus could have been as great as either of them, and so have decided to start their own church of self worship. Details to date are sketchy, but a publicist for Warner has said they plan to finish most of the new scriptures during a steamy honeymoon in the Philippines, where they will spread the new gospel between passionate bouts of spreading each other on the tropical sands.
Olympians, Whores and Pontificating
Marisa's least likely job is Bootlegger Sports employee
ESPN.com columnist LZ Granderson dug up an interesting story for a recent column. It seems a New Zealand Olympian, who competes in taekwondo, opened a brothel to raise money for his expenses leading up to the 2012 London Games. To say the least, that’s an unexpected side job, despite it being legal apparently in New Zealand. Wait, really? Why haven’t I ever been to New Zealand again? Oh right, because Vegas is closer.
Anyway, Olympians could have any number of side jobs outside of competitions. The most likely would be Home Depot while the least likely may be brothel owner. With that in mind, we started to wonder what the least likely side jobs for other sports figures might be. We left Joe Buck off the list because, well, he already has the job he’d be least suited for.
Mark Mangino- women’s underwear store owner- On the one hand, it seems far fetched because he is a male football coach, but on the other hand, he could use the support. So why would this be the least likely job for Mangino? Because if you’ve ever seen a picture of the guy, you know that he likes to let his puppies hang…you’re welcome for that image, by the way.
Travis Henry- foster home operator- Yup, we went for the obvious one. Henry has 11 kids, but rarely sees them as he is in prison for failing to pay his child support. Seems kind of unlikely he’d be spending his spare time watching other people’s kids.
Jeremy Shockey- chief economic advisor to President- You may remember that Shockey was one of the Saints that was caught in a failed investment opportunity this off-season. His response to it seemed to suggest he knew as much about finance as he does about shirts with sleeves. Besides, it’s not called the White Trash House.
Barry Bonds- soup kitchen worker- If you were to list all the possible places Bonds might be right now, I don’t think you’d get to working for charity before you died of old age. If there is one thing Barry loves, it’s himself. So obviously, giving of himself would be, in his mind, the greatest gift he could possibly give. He’d rather not.
Troy Aikman- proctologist- OK, so this is the least likely job he could have and you’ve heard the gay jokes before. So why would we say Troy isn’t likely to want a job where you can root around in a dude’s ass? See, he’s spent his whole life trying to hide his homosexuality. Why would he want to ruin all his hard work now?
Kelvin Sampson- communications and ethics professor- First, Sampson back at a college is pretty far-fetched by itself. Second, if they were to invent a communications and ethics class, hiring a man who was run out of the NCAA for making numerous illegal phone calls, among other things, is about as smart as hiring Michael Bay to teach a film class. Or hiring Mischa Barton for anything.
Brett Favre- retired- See, because it’s a list about the last thing you’d expect the athlete to do.
Impending National Disaster Alert
Not pictured: Joe Buck in front of a giant douche
The MLB All-Star Game will take place in St. Louis on Tuesday night and a lot of important people from baseball, business and politics are descending upon the city. President Barack Obama will be on hand to throw out the ceremonial first pitch and, let’s get this out of the way, the AP reports “Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols will be on the receiving end.” Pujols…receiving end…it works on so many levels! Actually, I guess just the one.
Sodomy jokes aside, this a very serious matter. FOX will be broadcasting the game, which leads us to some conclusions. We’ll likely miss the first pitch of at least 2 half innings while they cram two-minutes of advertising into a 90-second break, lots of ugly people will be shown in the stands for some inexplicable reason and Joe Buck and Tim McCarver will do their spot on impression of the worst baseball announcing team of all-time. I’ve actually worked with a guy who was harder to listen to than Buck, even when he’s at his worst. That guy looked like a younger, fatter Chris Berman, used the same hokey nickname jokes and was unfamiliar with the meaning behind simple terms like 12-to-6 curveball. But that guy won’t be bouncing ideas off of our president. Joe Buck on the other hand…
FOX has announced that Obama will spend an inning in the broadcast booth with Buck and McCarver. My first thought was that maybe Joe will make a sudden move and get dropped by the secret service. That seems unlikely though and my second thought is way more horrific. What if Obama starts to get chummy with ol’ Joe and starts listening to his ideas or even gives Buck a spot in his cabinet? Before you go thinking it’s such a long shot, I heard that Paul Rudd is old friends with Joe. Rudd is one of the most likable actors out there today and he was somehow duped into friendship with a douchey baseball announcer who dislikes baseball. Be warned, Buck’s deception is strong and his evil could ruin this country. Soon, people will be serving long prison terms for feigning to moon someone. TMZ will be funded by our tax dollars. But there is a chance we’d have a new top broadcaster on FOX’s MLB and NFL coverage. It just might be worth it.
Well F*ck. Just F*ck Everything.
- The worst case scenario here is better than Joe Buck interviewing Brett Favre.
It was already a banner day in Hell today, as this marks the scheduled premier of Joe Buck Live on HBO. But just in case that wasn’t enough of Karma’s big, dirty dick for you to choke on, it was announced today that Brett Favre will rub his nasty, old sack in your face too, by appearing on the show tonight with Joe.
I normally do a pretty good job of avoiding things that piss me off. You never could have caught me watching The Nanny, or anything with Richard Gere in it, and consequently I had no reason to be angry about these people. But I like football, and it’s my job to follow how the media covers things in sports, and you know just as well as I do how much play this fucking interview is going to get all over the networks.
It will be like if Two Girls One Cup was the feature topic of conversation on ESPN for the next week. Except with more shit eating. Seriously, I’d rather hear my 93-year-old grandmother talk about her sex life for a week than endure the clips of these ass hats stroking each other’s egos.
If Favre and Buck aren’t the largest conglomoration of egos since the Yalta Conference I’ll pull my dick out by the roots. And that only wins because there were three of them there. Anyway, looks like an angry liquor night. I’d curse at God, but it’s things like this that convince me I’m just wasting my breath.
Baseball Doesn’t Like Touching Anymore
The above video is footage of umpire Paul Schrieber gently escorting Magglio Ordonez away from home plate. A move that he has since had to publicly apologize for. But he didn’t have to apologize because Jim Leyland demanded it, or because Magglio feigned an injury or anything like that.
He had to apologize because of the modern no-touch policy in MLB. A policy that was hatched from the minds of assholes, who sought to enhance and preserve baseball’s image by changing it. But because it has been changed, umpires must adhere the same as players. Thus, the real tragedy is that I have to agree with Ordonez in this case. Not because I want to, but because he’s right.
“You’re not supposed to do that. If you touch, you get suspended. I’d be home.”
Goddamn I hate when I have to agree with people I hate. It’s like when Joe Buck said “The Phillies are World Champs.”
But back to the point. Baseball used to not give a shit about touching. chests plates were going to get jabbed, shin guards cleated, stomach bumped. Dirt was intentionally kicked while expletives were literally spit into faces. And it was beautiful, because nobody thought twice of a suspension.
And now, they keep trying to tweak the game in an attempt to make it more exciting to NASCAR fans and mouth-breathers. More home runs, shorter durations, faster action. Pander to the simple. I say to hell with all of that. Just let the game be played as it always has. That includes allowing grown men to handle problems between themselves, without suspensions and stupid rules that could put an umpire on paid leave for escorting a batter back to his dugout.
Here’s a Hollywood glimpse at how it was. Because who better than Hollywood to show it exactly how it was. Exactly.
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