Jose Canseco Makes A Good Point

Blackballed? Is that a literal, physical side-effect from steroids?

Have you ever wondered why Jose Canseco isn’t in the Baseball Hall of Fame?  Or why he has never been offered a managerial or coaching job in professional baseball?  If you said no, then you must not be Jose Canseco.  It also probably means you have a fully functioning brain. 

Canseco has decided to file a class action lawsuit against MLB and the MLBPA because he has been “blackballed” and is losing money due to not being offered jobs in baseball and not getting public appearance fees by being a Hall of Famer.  Uhhh, what?  Canseco is even reportedly asking Rafael Palmeiro and Sammy Sosa to join the suit.  I bet those guys jump on-board because if there’s any way to undue all the damage you’ve done to your reputation, it’s to associate yourself with Jose Canseco.  I guess by contrast, every one looks honorable in Jose’s company… maybe he should be a defense attorney. 

I realize MLB isn’t too worried about losing this case, but wouldn’t it be great to see them relent.  I want them to settle out of court and allow Canseco to be inducted into the Hall of Fame and encourage franchises to interview him for jobs.  Then, I’d like them to issue press releases every time he’s passed over for another position and every time another Hall of Famer is selected for a public appearance instead of him. 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Jose Canseco was not hired today as the new manager of the Texas Rangers double-A affiliate.  Though he did interview, the team’s front office personnel insist that they brought him in to settle a bet.  The team’s owner reportedly believed Canseco to be dead and his presence means the team will give away free hot dogs on opening day. 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Jose Canseco never left his house today after being receiving no offers to appear or speak in public.  A card show paid Hank Aaron to sign autographs in his area and a Little League brought in Ozzie Smith to speak to children, but Canseco’s phone never rang.  There has also been no word back from the Washington Nationals after he inquired about becoming their new General Manager. 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Jose Canseco’s life is exactly the same 12-months after he settled with MLB and the MLBPA on a class action lawsuit allowing him to no longer be blackballed from professional baseball.  He continues to be reduced to cheap publicity stunts and is still the sleazy piece of garbage you remember.  Go fuck yourself, Canseco.  You lose.

Best press release ever?  Best press release ever.

Tags: baseball, douchebaggery, Jose Canseco, MLB, Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa

Jose Canseco Has An Excuse

Even though nearly everyone in MLB is testing positive for steroids like he said they would, I still don’t trust anything Jose Canseco says.  For example, he says he hurt his knee before his fight with Hong-Man Choi and then re-aggravated it, causing him to lose.  I think a more reasonable explanation is that Hong-Man Choi is 7-2 and trained to fight and Canseco thought he could salvage some pride by blaming an injury for his poor performance.  Someone should tell him that a former baseball player forfeits his pride just by entering the ring to fight a Korean giant in a low-level MMA event. 

One thing I will believe is that Jose needs money.  Desperately.  And you have to hand it to him, despite having no marketable skills, he’s finding ways to work for it.  If you can make it worth his while, he’d probably be willing to to mow your lawn or watch your kids.  I guess what I’m saying is, disgraced former baseball stars are becoming the new illegal immigrants. 

Tags: baseball, Jose Canseco, MLB, MMA

Jose Canseco Needs New PR Reps

I've seen the future, this is also what Jose's funeral will look like

Manny Ramirez’s suspension and admission to taking a substance banned under MLB’s drug policy opened the door for two inevitable happenings.  First, the Dodgers would lose their game that night, even though they were playing the Nationals and were at home, where they were previously unbeaten.  Second, Jose Canseco would hold a press conference to ensure that the media was still aware that he is the primary source for steroid related stories.  Something unexpected happened on the way to these inevitabilities though, no one showed up to listen to Jose. 

The picture above means I could be struck by lightning while choking on a hot dog and being sodomized tonight and overall, it would still be a good day.  I wonder if Canseco would consider signing an 8×10 glossy of this image with ‘Forever your unbelievable asshole, Jose Canseco’.  Who am I kidding, he’d do anything for money.  I could even get him to stand in for me on the rest of my day’s events, listed above, as long as I promised him all the change in my pockets.  It wouldn’t be until after the sodomy that I revealed that I exclusively use a debit card.  HA!  Got you good, fucker. 

You may have noticed by now that there is actually one person filling the optimisticly placed rows of chairs in front of the podium.  That’s an AP writer.  He doesn’t count because the AP has an obligation to be at and report on anything and everything.  I threw a birthday party for my dog in my backyard and an AP writer showed up.  Nice fella, he even brought a gift. 

I absolutely love that the media has finally figured out that no one wants to hear Canseco’s take when another MLB player gets busted for PEDs.  But, you have to hand it to him for weaseling his way into that position in the first place.  Evidently, if you call out a few well-known names for doing something illegal, people start assuming you know every big name doing something illegal.  For a while, media members just attributed knowledge to ol’ Jose. 

‘A-Rod just admitted to steroid use, Jose.  Did you know he was juicing?’

‘A-Rod?  Yes, absolutely.  I could have told you that years ago, but I just didn’t think you would care.’

The only downside here is that Jose undoubtedly sees his limelight fading away and will release another book soon to get the attention back.  Calling out baseball players doesn’t seem to be putting butts in the seats anymore, however.  Look for ‘Juiced 2: The Quest For a Capacity Crowd At My Pressers’ to throw names like John Wayne and President Obama into the steroid fire.

Tags: baseball, Jose Canseco, MLB, steroids

Manny Being Manny Being Suspended

He sold it for drug money, now it's all coming together

Los Angeles Dodgers’ outfielder, trend-setter and grill salesman, Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for violating MLB’s drug policy.  In a statement recently released, Manuelito blames someone else:

Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.

Remarkably, that sounds almost identical to every other player who has ever tested positive for PEDs in any sport.  Doctors must hate athletes for getting paid more than them so they intentionally give them supplements containing banned substances.  It’s borderline racist if you want to know the truth.  Those damned medical nerds probably just don’t want to live next to athletes like Manny.  With their rap music and long hair, it’s bringing down the property value. 

I actually had a brief debate yesterday with a fellow who claimed the Dodgers were nearly bullet-proof except for the possible question mark in their bullpen.  I suggested that a team with Man-Ram is never a safe bet because he’s so unpredictable.  He could be the league’s best player one day, and then decide he’d rather be playing in Canada the next.  The argument ended without a clear winner, but I’d now like to say, in your motherf-cking face!

You can steal that line and direct it at the guy in your fantasy league whose team just shit the bed.  Kick him when he’s down, I say.  Right now, millions of people are seriously trying to talk themselves into Juan Pierre as a replacement for Manny.  ‘He steals plenty of bases and maybe if he plays everyday, he can produce in that lineup.’  That could happen, but Pierre would need to be on steroids and then you’d end up right back where you started.

In closing, Manny Ramirez being suspended for PEDs is damned aggravating.  Not because he’s a great player, but because he’s given Jose Canseco credibility again.  The guy is fighting a 7-3 Asian in a low-level MMA fight and yet he’s the most trustworthy man in baseball.  I believe that will be Bud Selig’s entry on FML.

Tags: baseball, Bud Selig, Jose Canseco, Juan Pierre, Los Angeles Dodgers, Manny Ramirez, MLB, steroids

Jose Canseco Isn’t Funny

What a Shit Bag

USmagazine decided for some reason to talk to Jose Canseco about anything at all. Following that logic retarded idea, they asked him what he thought about Madonna, his ex-girlfriend, dating some 22-year-old. Actually, saying “what he thought” might imply that there was some sort of cognitive function taking place.

“Oh my god! Doesn’t she realize she is 60-years old? Come on! When she is 80, what is she going to date — a guy who is 10 years old? It’s getting crazy!”

So, like, when did like Jose Canseco totally like start talking like a 14-year-old girl?! OMG!! j/k!! BFF!

How big of a douche is this guy? Ripping on Madonna is easier than getting herpes in Lubbock Texas… And that’s the best he could do? “A guy who is 10 years old”?  Really? That’s it? What a nozzle he is. I think this guy has less friends than Bernie Madoff.

Jose Canseco, Joe Buck, and who ever made that goddamn Castrol Edge commercial all need to get on the same airplane that will fly over Buffalo in high winds while geese are migrating.

Tags: douchebaggery, Joe Buck, Jose Canseco, Madonna, MLB