Hamilton-Inspired Character Collapse Scenarios

You can practically hear Josh yelling "Freedooooooom!"

The sporting world has a plethora of character stories and expectations.  Every now and then someone like Josh Hamilton comes along and shatters every universally held belief about himself, which tends to shake confidence in the public image of all other prominent figures.

Here are a few headlines that could break in the following vein that would be at least as shocking, and quite funny or awful, depending on the rigidity of your morality.

Joe Buck Implicated in Child Pornography Ring  After seizing the great announcer’s son’s computer, authorities have reported they could have recovered as much as 6 GB of underage pornography, some involving Mr. Buck and his child-like penis.  “The worst part was how condescending he was towards the children while molesting them” said one officer who wished to remain unnamed.  “I thought I’d seen everything this f*cked up world has to offer, until I saw that pompous boy-lover narrating his own pedo-tapes.  All of us got physically ill at one point or another.”

Brett Favre Disappears  The former  current currently former NFL quarterback’s wife tells reporters that her husband has quietly left civilization to pursue life as a hermit deep in the Smokey Mountains.  She said he had grown tired of media attention, and hated being in the spotlight almost as much as he hated shaving his stupid face.  In a related story, Tony Kornheiser has been found dead in a rented motel room, hung by a pair of dirty underpants believed to be worn by Mr. Favre in his last game as a NY Jet. 

Stephen A. Smith Joins a Monastery, Vows a Life of Silence  Former NBA analyst and open racist, Stephen A. Smith, has left the United States to join a Monastic Order located in Northern Austria, known for their strict vow of silence.  According to a press release read by his agent, Mr. Smith had always found thinking of things to say a challenge, which is why he would often repeat the exact same phrase multiple times at various volume levels during live segments and pod casts.  “It was obvious to all of us who followed Stephen’s career in media that he really never had anything intelligent to say.  His last words to me before boarding his flight to Europe were ‘A man can only cover his ignorance by shouting for so long, and the good lord has finally called on me to shut the f*ck up’.”

Vin Scully Arrested in Gang Shooting  The famed Dodger announcer of 61 years has been held without bail after a bloody exchange of gunfire which left nine dead and four more wounded in Los Angeles’s Mount Washington neighborhood.  Witnesses say the soft-spoken elderly announcer approached two stopped vehicles at an intersection early yesterday evening.  After a heated exchange, they say the geriatric statesman of Irish heritage pulled two firearms out of his coat pockets and opened fire on both cars, killing all occupants and wounding some spectators near by.

Kurt Warner and Tim Tebow Marry in Hawaii  The two obnoxiously-religious quarterbacks have both forsaken their Christian faith to declare their undying love for each other in a secular ceremony on the Island of Lanai this weekend.  Both men agreed that there is no way Jesus could have been as great as either of them, and so have decided to start their own church of self worship.  Details to date are sketchy, but a publicist for Warner has said they plan to finish most of the new scriptures during a steamy honeymoon in the Philippines, where they will spread the new gospel between passionate bouts of spreading each other on the tropical sands.

Tags: Brett Favre, Joe Buck, Josh Hamilton, Kurt Warner, Stephen A. Smith, Tim Tebow, Vin Scully

Time To Step It Up, Baseball Fans

Go the extra mile and show your support with your own checkered past

Though some would suggest that the ideal place to watch the MLB All-Star Game is in the comfort of your own home, I ventured out to a bar to ingest the game and some alcohol, which actually put me at less of a risk of vomiting since Joe Buck’s voice couldn’t be heard.  In the end, I’m glad I went out because I witnessed the future of fandom.  For years, kids and people who are old enough to know better have been wearing jerseys, or T-shirts that look like jerseys, to represent their favorite teams and players.  At first, most people were stuck wearing mass produced knock-offs, but that evolved into the hardcore fans buying up authentic MLB uniforms.  You had to know that it would evolve again and get even more authentic, but it remained a question of how to move up.  Maybe wearing an actual, game-worn jersey?  Sure, knowing your pits are sweating in the same place as your hero’s once did is great and all, but it’s not for everyone.  No, I’ve witnessed the evolution of the fan and we’ve moved way beyond a simple article of clothing. 

Watching the All-Star Game mere feet from me was the future.  A man wearing a Texas Rangers Michael Young jersey.  It wasn’t about the jersey, however.  He was also sporting an arm full of tattoos.  Josh Hamilton-style tats.  This new trend is only in its infancy, so you’ll have to forgive the pioneers who experiment with it.  On the one hand, this trailblazer had discovered a way to cheer for two players at once, but on the other, he looked like a man with two contrasting ideals.  I think as this look progresses, we’ll see more fans embrace the true essence of their favorite player as they pay homage to him. 

For the Josh Hamilton fan, two arms full of poorly thought out ink is an easy way to show your support. 

Or maybe you are a Prince Fielder guy.  Simply spend the off-season putting on weight but only eat vegetables when you’re in public. 

If you love Manny, stop washing your hair.  If you love A-Rod, get highlights and be a giant douche.  If you want to take steroids, more power to you.  But, I should mention if you’re a huge A-Rod fan, kill yourself. 

If it’s Big Papi you follow, start sucking at your job, but occasionally give your co-workers hope that you haven’t completely lost it. 

The possibilities are endless.  The beauty of the idea is that you, the fan, should know better than anyone how to capture the defining qualities of your favorite player.  That’s why I’m such a disappointment after showing great promise early on, I love Ken Griffey Jr. 

And I know the ladies are feeling a little left out by this new style.  Sorry, but no one wants to see you rocking Ryan Franklin’s facial hair.  Instead, just think about your favorite female athlete or celeb and emulate them.  Hopefully it’s Gina Carano, Maria Sharapova, Jennie Finch, Jessica Alba or Megan Fox.  That’s something we can all enjoy.

Tags: All-Star, baseball, Josh Hamilton, MLB, Texas Rangers