Alberto Contador Out Douches Lance Armstrong

The crowd goes quiet, trying to figure out what the f*ck is wrong with his thumb

Not satisfied with merely winning the Tour de France, Alberto Contador felt the need Monday to vent his now obvious inferiority complex and trash Lance Armstrong.  It wasn’t enough that he bested him in the field of bicycle racing and testicle-having.  Obviously this small, greasy little man needed to rub Lance’s dick in the dirt just a little bit more:

“My relationship with Lance is non-existent.  Even if he is a great champion, I have never had admiration for him and I never will.”

Let’s take a moment to break this down.  He could have easily stopped with “My relationship with Lance is non-existent.”  That would have been fine.  Lance is  a well-documented dick head, and Greasy Spaniard would have looked like a reserved champion had he just ended this here.  But then, what kind of a greasy Spaniard would he be if he didn’t ooze douche every chance he got (for the record, I am the anti Will Rogers of Spanish people.  I’ve never met one I even remotely liked).

So Greasy Spaniard had to add “even if he is a great champion”.  What the hell does that mean?  You mean, despite the fact that he won 7 of those bicycle-racing trophy things, you’re still not sure he’s a champion?  You’ve done it how many times now, and you’re asking if?

Now for the last part.  I, personally, have no admiration for Lance Armstrong either.  I think he’s an arrogant prick.  But if I liked to wear skin-tight shants and stupid helmets while waving my ass at the the line of pissed of commuters behind me who are now late to work because I’m such a self-absorbed ass-hat, then maybe I would admire Lance Armstrong.  I believe that most of us are largely annoyed to the point of contemplating vehicular homicide by bike riders on a regular basis, and Lance was able to get a majority of Americans to like him by pissing off the French.

It just seems that someone like Greasy Spaniard could admit that he admired what ol’ one-nut Armstrong was able to accomplish, even if he didn’t have any kind of relationship with him.  But then again, that would have ruined my perfectly sound stereotype of Spanish people.  So in a way, thank you.  Thank you Greasy Spaniard.  Not for restoring my faith in my own countrymen, as Lance was able to do for so many Americans, but by reinforcing my intense dislike of yours.

Tags: bicycling, Lance Armstrong, Tour de France

Lance Armstrong Isn’t Doing It Right

Winning the Tour de France is against Tour de France rules

Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has finally been caught cheating.  Armstrong has come out of retirement to compete in this year’s race despite constant rumors that he utilized an illegal advantage to capture his previous yellow jerseys.  He may well regret that decision since he was caught red-handed and punished before today’s third stage.  Wait, did you say steroids?  That’s not what this is about, why in the world would you think that?

The Tour de France is evidently a lot like the YMCA.  No, there’s not a bunch of elderly gentleman standing around with their junk on display in the locker room.  No, they don’t have a pool that has officially seen it’s ratio tip from mostly chlorinated water to mostly toddler urine.  Well, OK it’s not a lot like the YMCA, but it has one thing in common, you have to sign in.  Armstrong failed to do so Monday, so he has incurred the strictest penalty allowed for the infraction, a $92 fine and a stern wag of the finger from competition director Jean-Francois Pescheux.  Lance has to hope he doesn’t forget to sign in for the next 1-million stages because then he’d only have a few million dollars to live off of. 

At this point, it seems like the organizers of the Tour de France are just aching for a reason to punish Armstrong.  So far, all of those doping allegations haven’t stuck, so they’ve resorted to alternate methods.  I get the feeling that Lance will be informed tomorrow that the color of shoes he is wearing was just outlawed.  Also, there’s a five-minute penalty for being named Lance.  You don’t even want to know the punishment for being named Armstrong.  I’m actually OK with the recently passed ordinance prohibiting friendship with Matthew McConaughey. 

As for the rule about signing in before each stage, I guess maybe it’s to make sure that each rider actually starts at the starting line and doesn’t get a head start.  But then, it’s only a $92 fine.  Wait a second, I’ve got an idea.  I’ll need a bike, whatever 21 times 92 is, that many dollars and someone to write my victory speech.

Tags: Lance Armstrong, Tour de France

900 People Suck/Have Too Much Free Time

Lance makes sure that nobody will ever want to touch his bike again

You may have heard recently that Wance Awmstwong’s bike got stolen. I’d like to think most of us chuckled at the headline and then forgot about it in our search for better free-porn sites.  I’d also like to think that the burning sensation when I pee will go away on it’s own if I ignore it.

The A.P. informs me that I’m already wrong about one of these:

“Hundreds of people have joined the search for Lance Armstrong’s stolen custom Trek Livestrong 1274. The bike was taken sometime after Armstrong used it during Saturday’s time-trial ahead of the first stage of the Tour of California.

More than 900 people have enlisted in the search through the Facebook group ‘1 Million Citizens Looking for Lance Armstrong’s Stolen Bike’ set up by Rob Quigley of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s communications office.”

Really? Nine-Hundred people looking for a stolen bike? Is there nothing better to do with your time?

There aren’t 900 people trying to cure AIDS in the entire world right now. There are missing children with absolutely nobody looking for them, but we’ve got 900 retarded flag-waving mouth breathers looking for Wance’s bike? Can he not afford new one? 

For fucksake. I’m switching to whiskey.

**UPDATE**  It looks like police found the bike. Without help from any of the afore-mentioned prize winners. They may now return to rubbing peanut-butter on their balls while watching Two and a Half Men.

Tags: bicycling, Lance Armstrong