No More Smash and Dash :’-(

The Incredibly Stupid Bond is Broken

Chris Johnson informed nobody in particular today that the Tennessee Titans’ “Smash and Dash” duo is no more.  Not because he’s quitting the team or anything relevant or real like that.  He’d never have anything of importance to bother you with.  He just wanted to let the world know that he’ll be dropping his half of the nick name he and the fat retard stole from the Panthers last October. 

But hold your horses everyone.  The nobody-cares-dumbshit-ride isn’t over yet.  Johnson has a new nickname to try out on you.

“‘Smash and Dash’ have had a divorce.  That’s official.  I have to be my own guy, so no more ‘Smash and Dash’.  That was last year.  ’Every Coach’s Dream,’ that’s me.  Because they say every team has its own identity. I feel for me, I can’t be noticed as a group any more.  I am my own guy.”

Wait, wait wait… … Every team… Own identity… me, I, group…. I am my own guy… Wha..?  But… That doesn’t even make any… Fuck he’s dumb.  I hope East Carolina is really proud of their academics.  Considering they’re named after a state that isn’t, I doubt they’ll see anything wrong with Mr. Johnson’s soliloquy.

But I digress.  He’s calling himself “Dream”.  That’s really special.  Maybe LenDale can dump Gatorade all over himself before every game and go as “Wet.”  Or he can dance around real happy like and go as “Gay”. 

I think I’ll just continue to refer to him as “Awful Fantasy Pick” and leave it at that.

Tags: Chris Johnson, douchebaggery, East Carolina, football, LenDale White, NFL, Tennessee Titans

LenDale White Discovers Belts, Misdemeanors

Lucky for the kid, chubby LenDale didn't need a belt

It always amazes me that even with all the reporting technology and media available, there are still some stories that don’t come out until they’re a week old.  For the first time in his life, LenDale White can be said to have slipped through the cracks.  I guess that weight loss we told you about really is paying off.  Or is it the cause of his troubles?  White allegedly assaulted a man who was involved in a traffic accident with the running back last week.  It gets better though, he beat the guy with his belt.

Now answer this, would LenWhale have needed a belt if he hadn’t just dropped some weight?  My guess is no.  He probably hasn’t worn a belt in his entire life.  So on this occasion, he gets in a car wreck, is angry about it, gets out of the car and realizes, hey, I’ve got a weapon right here on my waist!  Jeff Fisher might want to consider all of the consequences before he tells another player to get in better shape. 

Now it seems the DA in Denver, where the incident took place, won’t prosecute White because statements from the parties involved contradict evidence.  I take that to mean either the DA only wants to prosecute Broncos because that makes a bigger statement to the city, or that LenDale beat some redneck mountain man (named Leslie Joe Hoch, you decide) that the state would rather see dead than defend in court. 

White could conceivably face some sort of punishment from the NFL, but that seems unlikely.  There have been no charges filed, he won’t appear in court and this is his first off-the-field incident that hasn’t involved grand theft cobbler.

Tags: Jeff Fisher, LenDale White, NFL, Tennessee Titans

I Don’t Believe You

"I love food this much!"

LenDale White’s uncle Herman says that the big tubby running back has decided he needs to get in shape and lose weight.

What?! A professional athlete working out in the off season? This is crazy talk. What other silly schemes have you worked out, Uncle Herman? Why, if an athlete as talented as White actually got his fat ass in shape he could become one of the better running backs… On his team. The Tennessean reports:

“Last week he weighed in at 236 pounds, down about 4 pounds from his weight at the end of the season, Herman White said. His nephew plans to be around 230 pounds next month when he reports to Baptist Sports Park for the team’s offseason conditioning program, he said.”

Wait… What? Four pounds? You did a story on that big fat fuck losing just four pounds? What, did he take a shit? I bet after he’s been to the sizzler his dueces weigh five pounds easily. That means he must have been eating waffles on the toilet.

Sorry Uncle Herman, but your prowess as an athletic trainer isn’t exactly going to skyrocket for getting that big tub of shit to drop 8 to 10 pounds over the off season.

Tags: fat, football, LenDale White, NFL, Tennessee Titans

NFL Bottom 5

There’s only 2 weeks of NFL action left before the playoffs start, which means only two more times fans in places like St. Louis, Cincinnati and Oakland have to lie about their Sunday afternoon plans.

“Hey Bob”, a co-worker might say, “What are you up to on Sunday?”

Bob would then likely respond, “Oh, uh, nothing embarrassing, I think I’m getting a colonoscopy and then going to an arts and crafts show with my wife.”  When in actuality, Bob is a Chiefs season ticket holder.

For shame fans, lying and watching terrible football… and during the Christmas season.

5. Seattle Seahawks (3-11)- Yeah they won a game… over St. Louis, but still it’s one for the win column.  Just forget the fact that they’ve been eliminated from the playoffs for a month and their coach is getting the hell out of Dodge at the end of the year.  Fans are probably talking themselves into Bill Cowher taking over, but it seems like a great fit for Tyrone Willingham, he wouldn’t have to move and he wouldn’t have to deal with all the problems that success brings.

4. Kansas City Chiefs (2-12)- The fact that you could line-up the Chiefs and their 3rd string QB (of course all their QB’s are 3rd string caliber) and expect to beat at least 3 other NFL teams is ridiculous.  I don’t really want to live in a world where Herm Edwards isn’t directing the most pathetic team in football, can we get him to  Oakland next year?  Carl Peterson, team president, already got the axe, so Herm is certainly a lame duck.  He needs to pull out all the stops before he’s relegated to a God forsaken NFL pre-game show.  Can you say fan kick returners and naked lineman?

3. Oakland Raiders (3-11)- The Raiders seem more incompetent because of the rabid nature of their fan base.  Anytime people are really excited and out-spoken about something that ends up being a crime against humanity, it goes down in history as worse than it was.  So… watch yourself Obama.  The Raiders will be searching for yet another head coach this off-season, but at least with recent draft picks JaMarcus Russell and Michael Bush they have the talent to challenge LenDale White for the weight gained before mini camp title.

2. Detroit Lions (0-14)- Once again the Lions avoid the bottom spot.  This week they went on the road and challenged Indy.  That performance nearly dragged the Colts into the Bottom 5, but for Detroit, it was another narrow defeat.  I wouldn’t expect this team to rebound like the Dolphins have the year after total failure because, you know, they’re the Lions, but I don’t think a 3 win season is out of the question for 2009.  Which leads me to unveil the 09 Lions’ slogan- Just forget we exist until 2013!

1. St. Louis Rams (2-12)- The Rams lost to Seattle… Seneca Wallace led Seattle.  Torry Holt says they got cheated.  Really Torry?  You want to call attention to the fact that you lost to one of the worst teams in football, and the excuse was ONE bad call?  Either keep your mouth shut and hope nobody cared or noticed (because they likely didn’t) or say Seattle bought the refs and you got screwed continually.  Get your head in the damn game Holt.

Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Cowher, Bottom 5, Carl Peterson, Detroit Lions, Indianapolis Colts, JaMarcus Russell, Kansas City Chiefs, LenDale White, Michael Bush, Oakland Raiders, Seattle Seahawks, Seneca Wallace, St. Louis Rams, Torry Holt, Tyrone Willingham