Telegraphed Tuesday Dump-Out

Hello, fantasy sleeper

Gentleman, I need absolute quiet for this very important news bulletin.  DEEP FRIED BEER!  <geekologie>

Manny is now with the Chicago White Sox, not the Tampa Rays as I predicted would happen.  Usually, I’d not report stories that prove me wrong, but Manny+Ozzie Guillen is too good.  Get ready for the two of them to have very heated and passionate conversations while everyone else wonders when the subtitles are going to show up. <hall of very good>

Former Cuban and current Reds minor-leaguer, Aroldis Chapman, reportedly hit 105 mph while pitching over the weekend.  Reds’ fans boners reportedly hit their zippers with similar velocity.  <larrybrown>

Here’s a list of “Must See College Football Games’ for this year.  It’s basically a list of rivalry games and games I’ll probably miss while watching my team play.  But, it gets a link because…FOOTBALL! <ngng>

It’s no secret I generally despise Twitter and those that use it.  On the other hand, I enjoy people pretending to be other people in order to ridicule the people they’re posing as.  I’m understandably torn by this list of fake twitter accounts.  <lastangryfan>

Faithful reader, Adam, managed to overcome his crippling inability to include links in emails and alerted us to this story about the 21-year-old that forged his birth certificate and played middle school football.  Many are trying to speculate about why he’d do this.  I understand perfectly.  It’s the same reason I work at a pre-school.  The ego-boost.  <preprally>

Do you watch Jersey Shore?  Would you like to see it recreated using Family Circus cartoons?  This is why the Internet was invented.  Also why the rest of the world hates us.  <jerseycircus>

Finally, a life changing list of “life-hacks”, which seem to be ways to cheat the system, fix stuff or heal your body.  All good advice, but the “work as a beer tester” was a cruel tease.  <geekologie>

That’s all the links for today, but I do have an important message.  To anyone that has put up, or plans to put up a YouTube video about the Cee-Lo song ‘Fuck You’ that doesn’t actually play the original song without your stupid additions…to those people…damn it, I can’t think of a strong enough phrase to encompass my hate.  If only there was a song that could suggest one for me.  Oh wait, there is, but it’s hard to find now because there’s so many ‘My version’ and ‘Remix’ and ‘I just wanted to piss people off’ versions on YouTube.  Emails go here: bootleggersports@gmail.com

Tags: link dump

Topical Tuesday Dumperator

Hahahahahaha...pump.

Jay Mariotti was arrested on suspicion of domestic violence and released on bail.  Thankfully, blogger-types who Mariotti likely despises and feels are irrelevant are around to throw his own words back in his face.  IN. HIS.  MotherF*ckin’.  FACE.  There’s still one place left that would like to employ Mariotti though.  Ladies and Gents, meet Bootlegger Sports’ newest addition!  He’ll start by scrubbing toilets.  <brooks>

The Dodgers may put Manny Ramirez on waivers and the Rays might claim him.  I only post this speculative story because I broke this same news last night at a minor league baseball game.  By broke, I of course mean I spouted it off as fact to the two people sitting next to me.  You can leave Peabody Award on my porch.  <prorumors>

As you know, Bootlegger Sports is your home for recycled, days old Inception-style movie trailer mash-ups.  And this one is sports-related, so stick that in your hockey net and put it on ice.  I give you, SlapShot.  <onfrozenblog>

Gary Busey is another favorite of the site, especially when he’s acting crazy and unmedicated.  Meaning, when he isn’t sleeping.  And sometimes when he is.  Here he is as a Fantasy Football lawyer.  He puts his own spin on the role by making him a Fantasy Football lawyer who yells a lot and has an insane half-glazed look in his eye.  <filmdrunk>

And now, the musical portion of today’s dump.  First up, the infectious and deliciously profane new Cee-Lo song.  If you don’t know who Cee-Lo is, I’d just like to say, ‘hello Dad, how are you?’  <youtube>

Quick, think of two dead musicians who should have collaborated on a song.  No, not those two.  No, not those two either.  No…forget it, here’s Eazy-E and Johnny Cash.  <seanbonner>

Kanye West pulled his head out of his Auto-tuner finally and he’s making tolerable music again.  And Jay-Z is stepping in and making that music exceptional.  Power remix anyone?  That question is a typo, it should’ve read ‘click the link’.  <realtalkny>

This video came up when the Hamster Dance played at the aforementioned baseball game.  Ah women drivers, never change.  On second though, change quickly.  This is the reason it’s technically safer to fly.  <youtube>

Good day folks, I’m off to…to…well, I’m probably going to do something.  I live an exciting life that’s sure to be the subject of an enthralling biopic one day.  Send me your inquiries about being an extra at bootleggersports@gmail.com

Tags: link dump

The Week in Links Dump

She's stand-offish now, but just wait until the end of that bottle.

Tyreke Evans plays golf worse than Charles Barkley.  A bold claim, I know, but the video don’t lie.  Unlike that video Saundra showed me yesterday.  That ain’t me with Denise…SAUNDRA.  They do crazy things with special effects…SAUNDRA.  <tbl>

Black children are three times more likely to drown, IN WATER OR OTHER LIQUIDS, than white children.  Ahem…Jesse Jackson is giving me the signal to move on without a joke.  Away I go.  <SI>

Dude, Italy’s got a Football Fight league.  It’s totally as extreme and hardcore as you’d imagine, bro.  Throw your armbands, MMA gloves, visors hair gel and incredibly tight bike shorts into a bag and let’s roll out.  Ed. Note: I don’t know why this message is brought to you by Brody Brosefson, Every Douche.  <deadspin>

I enjoy the trailer mash-ups and I enjoyed Inception.  Thus, here are two Inception style trailer mash-ups.  Um…wocka wocka?  <here> and <here>

This religious site has some warning signs that will tell you if your husband is gay.  Considering the target audience of Bootlegger Sports, if your husband is gay…well, he is gay.  Definitely.  I love the stereotypes.  Shit, does that make me gay?  I also look forward to this site’s next list: Is your husband secretly black?  Oh no, he does eat chicken sometimes.  <christwire>

Here’s a bunch of ‘ladies’ falling on their faces/asses/lady parts.  I like to sing ‘God Bless America’ while I watch it. <monkey>

Who are the twenty most awesome, or “awesomest”, monkeys in history?  History meaning ‘with internet videos’ obviously.  <heavy>

Fart sound soundboard?  If there’s a better use of company time I haven’t heard of it.  <fart>

For our recent grads, here’s a site that tells you WTF you should do with your life.  It told me I should be an ‘extra’, then I punched my computer because I assume that means the site thinks I’m ugly.  <wtf>

Piranha 3D doesn’t look like a great movie, outside of the Kelly Brook naked underwater nipslip lesbian Google scenes.  Still, this video is pretty funny.  <filmdrunk>

Speaking of movies, here’s another to help boost our Google search results.  Mila Kunis Natalie Portman lesbian ballerina upskirt sex.  Seriously, that’s the movie’s tagline.  <blackswan>

And now we’ve reached the fried chicken portion of our program.  I don’t know what kind of super-genius sciency types KFC has working for them, but they keep churning out winners.  My choice of suicide: death by Skinwich, which means I ate half of one once.  Also, eating Red Velvet Fried Chicken with cream cheese infused garlic mash potatoes sounds better than sex…with Red Velvet Fried Chicken etc.  <KFC> <urbandaddy>

So, I didn’t really go back to the start of the week to find those links, but I gave you way more than usual.  They should keep you busy until Monday.  You know, if you ration correctly.  In the meantime, you can send me things.  I’d prefer not to get any more pictures of guy’s junk.  That is, unfamous guy’s junk.  But if it’s all you got I understand.  Do your thing right here: bootleggersports@gmail.com

Tags: link dump

Let’s Go Dumping Tuesday Style

The commercial on TV when I chose this image said: "They're never too big for something sweet". Seems to fit.

Jeff Van Gundy predicted that the Heat will break the record for wins in a season, which was set by Jordan’s Bulls and is 72 wins in an 82 game season.  I doubt that happens.  But it might.  What a great story that was, huh?  <hoopsvibe>

Antonio Cromartie had another kid.  That makes 8, I think.   But this one was born in wed-lock.  Cromartie appears to be a new man.  That’s bad news for the Jets.  Someone send him some fertile road beef, stat.  <NYP>

A Brett Favre parody song about his cock-pics set to the tune of Lionel Richie’s ‘All Night Long’?  Look alive, phone, you’ve got a new ringtone.  <deadspin>

Donnie Walsh read my story about the Knicks hiring Isiah Thomas back and is now reportedly “livid”.  That’s what keeps me coming back and keeps this job interesting.  Having a hand in pissing people off.  <realgm>

The World Sauna Championships naturally sounds like an amazing idea that couldn’t possibly go awry.  It’s just like the Angry Chimp Goading Cup and the Syphilis Survival Open.  <BBC>

I’ve gone to great lengths to never hear any of Justin Bieber’s work.  Actually, I just don’t let the teen girls I pick up touch the radio.  Still, I’m delightfully ignorant of everything he’s about.  Even so, I get a huge thrill out of seeing him in concert…getting drilled in the head by a water bottle.  Why wasn’t that show in Philadelphia?  At worst that bottle would’ve been filled with piss and at best it would’ve been replaced by batteries. <wwtdd>

A special hello to the good man who sent us the name of the young lady pictured in today’s dump.  He’s making the rest of you look bad.  You know, everyone else who reads this site.  I’m looking at you African spammers.  Send me your Nigerian prince stories at bootleggersports@gmail.com

Tags: link dump

And Here’s This Thursday Dump

That one is also sexual.

The excuses are wearing thin, I know, but I was loopy for a couple days after I heard that there were Brett Favre dong shots out there.  Speaking of which, this list of ten reasons why Favre might have sent those pics to Jenn Sterger is way too long.  It should be a list of the one and only reason: to get some ass.  But, here’s a list of ways to annoy your Fantasy Football league.  Some of them are OK.  That ringing endorsement is sure to make you click the link.  <guyism>

One of my greatest fears in life is that I’ll accidentally stumble into a fight with a guy who turns out to be a UFC fighter.  Here’s a video of some poor schmuck living out my nightmare.  Perhaps that means someone is also living out my greatest fantasy.  Oh right…Brian Austin Green.  <tmz>

Here’s a compilation of animals playing sports.  Honestly, I didn’t read it, but there’s a picture of a bear playing hockey at the top so I figured it was worth the link.  Note to everyone: pictures of bears get you linked.  <tps>

Kenny Powers is back and he’s selling K-Swiss.  This video is NSFW because of excessive swearing.  No nudity though.  Kenny really phoned it in.  <fod>

Well, that was underwhelming, wasn’t it?  Guess I’ll have to take a full week off next time so some good links can build up and I can come up with something funny to say about all of them.  You could help, you know?  bootleggersports@gmail.com

Tags: link dump