Rich Kid Will Set Rich Kid Record

He's saving his Affliction shirt for the press conference

Let’s play a little game.  I’m going to throw out a phrase and you just close your eyes and think about the first image that pops into your mind.  Ready?  17-year-old Southern California boy.  Got it?  Mine looks like Matt Leinart without the scruffy facial hair.  So, 17-year-old Matt Leinart.  OK, keep that image in your mind as we move into this story. 

A teenager from Southern California is less than 100-miles away from completing a sailing journey around the world.  At 17, he would be the youngest person to ever accomplish the feat alone.  His name is Zac Sunderland and I think it’s safe to assume that he’s a rich bastard.  Well, his parents are likely rich, thus he’ll be rich when he hits 18 and cashes in his trust fund.  If I thought I’d ever meet the kid, I’d be hesitant to write anything negative about him because he’ll need an entourage and as I understand it, occasionally witty bloggers are on the top of everyone’s list.  We’re like the new ‘Turtle’, or if you aren’t familiar with HBO’s ‘Entourage’, we’re like the new overweight, weed smoking gophers.  Fairly useless, but we won’t steal your poon.  But screw it, I’ll never get past security at Zac’s country club.  He’s even too good to put an ‘H’ on the end of his name, what chance do I have? 

Sailing around the world is quite an accomplishment, don’t get me wrong.  But sailing is a more elitist sport than golf.  Hell, it’s more elitist than swimming in gold a la Scrooge McDuck.  Yeah, I broke out the DuckTales reference, you rich bastards’ money didn’t buy you culture like that, did it?

There’s only a handful of 17-year-olds in the world capable of obtaining a sailing vessel that would make it around the world.  I am impressed that Zac decided to do something more constructive with his time than sit around bitching about his parents buying him the wrong color Bentley, though.  At the same time, he probably got his boat at his super sweet 16 party.  Still, it could be worse.  He could’ve contacted MTV and had his own reality show by now.  But are we positive he made it around the world?  The whole point was that he did it alone, which as a lawyer has assured me, means there are no witnesses.  Sure there’s GPS, but Zac could of had one of his servants take the boat around and pick him up in Mexico on the way back in.  This whole thing is a little fishy if you ask me.  Oh, hey, fishy, cause he’s sailing a boat on the ocean.  Ha, I didn’t even mean to do that. 

Oh well, congratulations are in order for Zac.  You were born into the best of circumstances and decided to accomplish a trivial feat as a result.  I don’t know that you can be given the title of the greatest child sailor, however.  There are kids in Cuba that can navigate an inner tube to Florida.  I bet if you told them there was food and a loving father on the other side, you could get them to sail around the world.

Tags: douchebaggery, Matt Leinart, sailing

Rich Eisen and Matt Leinart, Wunderlic Twins

The Wunderlic Test has quickly become part of the NFL lexicon.  Players are subjected to the standardized test at the NFL combine and fans have become accustomed to hearing Mel Kiper gush about a prospect’s Wunderlic score, or explain that a player remains in the green room because of his score.  NFL Network’s Rich Eisen decided to give the Wunderlic a try and risk his job.  Nobody mentioned this, but if he scored on par with Vince Young, you better believe he’d be getting a pink slip.  Or at least sitting behind a studio-host that’s much older and thought to be washed-up.  Luckily for Rich, he didn’t have to worry about that possibility after bringing home an impressive 35 out of 50. 

Pat McInally of Harvard is rumored to have scored a perfect 50, but the Wall Street Journal later reported that his actual score was lower.  Also, Kevin Curtis turned out to be smarter than his facial hair would have you believe by reportedly scoring a 48.  Eisen ends up in the same group as QBs Aaron Rodgers and Matt Leinart.

Hopefully, you have the same shocked expression on your face as I had when I heard Matt Leinart scored a 35 on this test.  I don’t really have any reason to believe this guy isn’t decently intelligent except that he once regularly hung out with Nick Lachey, but I’m still surprised.  He seems like a below average score guy.  The kind of guy who stayed out too long the night before and still smells like strippers and Jameson’s.  Guys like that are supposed to score in the teens, but I digress. 

 Eisen’s 35 puts him higher than the national average of 20 and higher than the average score of any NFL position.  According to the Wunderlic score averages, offensive tackles are the smartest while halfbacks are the dumbest.  Emmitt Smith is doing nothing to refute the Wunderlic’s findings.  Considering wide-receivers are a mere point ahead of RBs, Michael Crabtree’s score could tip the scales after he spent the first 10 minutes of the test talking about how he “seen it in my mind” while pondering a simple math question.

Tags: Aaron Rodgers, Combine, Emmitt Smith, football, Kevin Curtis, Matt Leinart, Michael Crabtree, NFL, Rich Eisen, Vince Young, Wunderlic

Tomorrow Decides Your Team’s Dismal Future

This catch earned his momma a house

Tomorrow is national signing day for high school football players across America.  It’s also the day when hope springs anew for fans of schools like Baylor, Stanford and Indiana.  It’s also the day when schools like Texas, Oklahoma, USC and Florida reload with a fresh batch of blue chip dream killers. 

While you watch your school sign waves of kids who, according to message boards, “will finally get us over the hump”, here are a few things to remember. 

Names matter- The past few Heisman winners have been Tim Tebow, Troy Smith, Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart.  There’s no Abdul Muskawi in there.  First round draft picks are named Ryan, Long, McFadden and Stewart.  Sure you’ll find some Mathias Kiwanukas and Troy Polamalus out there, but why take risks.  If your school has signed a full class of guys with easily pronounceable names, you’ve got a shot at a title.  Assuming of course they’re not all over-privileged white kids. 

The athlete won’t pan out- Every year your school signs a project.  He’ll most likely be listed as an athlete, which means he doesn’t have a position on a football field, but he out-ran the coaches rental car on the recruiting visit.  Fans will flood the message boards talking about this kid’s potential and guessing where he’ll make an impact.  Don’t be fooled.  This guy will not help the program.  You’ll hear glowing stories about his off-season workouts.  You may even be floored by his performance in the spring game.  But coaches will redshirt him because he’s too raw, and you’ll never hear from him again.  An off the field incident, an injury or an inability to grasp the game will lead to this kid’s downfall.  This year, pick out the 5-star running back your team signed and follow his career.  It will be far less disappointing.

Your recruiting class isn’t that good- There are 50 or so fanbases who are looking at their potential recruits and thinking, “This year I think we’ve made up ground on the nation’s elite.”  Those being USC, Ohio State, Florida, etc.  Guess what… if you don’t cheer for one of those schools, your recruiting class doesn’t compare.  You signed 6 players ranked in the top ten for their position?  They each signed 15.  You have a player that runs a 4.12 40?  They all signed players who break 4 seconds.  You have a guy who benches 700 pounds?  They signed the Hulk, the Thing, and Superman, respectively.  No matter how good this year’s recruiting class is, prepare to be shocked when you don’t finish higher than the perennial powers.  Of course, if you cheer for one of those powers, keep an eye on Superman.  He’s going to be a player.

Everyone cheated- Undoubtedly, you’ll come across a comment or an article saying there’s no way some coach at some school could have pulled in a certain blue chipper without giving him improper benefits.  And this will be true.  You’ll also read a story about how your coach at your school dropped a recruit for improper behavior on his official visit, or because the kid asked for a car or because another school had offered him money.  This will be false.  Your coach at your school just didn’t have enough left in the budget to reel this kid in, so he leaked the story about dropping him to make his program appear clean and maybe put a rival school under investigation.  Don’t kid yourself.  If your team won 12 games or lost 12 games last year, your coaching staff is still committing NCAA infractions like Jerry Tarkanian in his heyday.  Don’t believe me?  Go sit in the parking lot at the end of football practice this spring and watch how many players roll out in a BMW, Mercedes or Cadillac.  Jobs at burger joints in Dallas must be paying an awful lot these days.

Tags: Baylor, Connecticut, Florida, football, Mathias Kiwanuka, Matt Leinart, NCAA, Ohio State, Oklahoma, Reggie Bush, Stanford, Texas, Tim Tebow, Troy Polamalu, Troy Smith, USC