LeBron To Honor Jordan By Not Honoring Him

If LeBron really wanted to honor his area code, he'd refuse to wear it.

LeBron James has some crazy ideas and is it just me or should he not be allowed to talk?  He had a disastrous off-season from a PR standpoint, what with his refusal to shake hands and talk with the media after being eliminated from the playoffs and his role in the confiscating of a tape that showed him being dunked on by a college player.  I actually like LeBron, and I guess not allowing him to talk wouldn’t solve all of the problems he gets himself into, but what if we confined him to the basketball court?  We just want to see you dunk, big man.  I’m not interested in your crazy schemes.

Unfortunately, he’s still free to talk nonsense and his latest foray has resulted in him asking every player in the NBA who wears the number 23 to give it up. You know, to honor Michael Jordan.

If you see 23, you think about Michael Jordan. You see guys flying through the air, you think about Michael Jordan. You see game-winning shots, you think about Michael Jordan. You see fly kicks, you think about Michael Jordan. He did so much, it has to be recognized, and not just by putting him in the Hall of Fame.

Obviously, James is right.  Jordan was such an influential icon, there should be a way that every talented could pay homage to him.  Maybe they could all, I don’t know, WEAR HIS NUMBER!

Read the block quote again.  LeBron thinks that being reminded of MJ constantly isn’t recognizing his greatness?  I guess all those crucifixes I see aren’t honoring Jesus’ memory, either.  We should really stop using crosses all together.  That’d show God how much we love him.

I understand the whole retiring numbers idea, but isn’t it much more of an honor if your number becomes synonymous with identifying the best player on the court?  Like number 10 in soccer, generally if you see someone wearing #23 in basketball, you can assume he’s the star.  Or has a giant ego.  Usually both.

Here’s an actual quote from the AP story, “[LeBron] believes players should pay tribute to Jordan for the Hall of Famer’s impact on the game.”  Isn’t that exactly what they’ve been doing?  Were they wearing his number to insult Jordan’s impact on the game?

And James’s personal solution will be to switch to number 6, which is Jordan’s Olympic number.  So, let’s honor him by not wearing his number.  But I’m definitely stealing one of his other numbers.  But, LeBron has other reason’s for liking number 6.  Mainly, that he’s always idolized Julius Erving.  Apparently, he’s just not quite fond enough of Dr. J to want to make people stop wearing his number.

Tags: basketball, LeBron James, Michael Jordan, NBA

Michael Jordan Still Doesn’t Suck

If any of you are biding your time, hoping to run into Michael Jordan once he is old, hobbled and unable to play the game he once excelled at, as I am, in order to earn bragging rights about beating MJ at basketball, well, the wait continues.  He’s not quite ripe for upset yet.  Maybe next decade.

Here’s the greatest of all-time shows off the fade-away jumper that was the final piece in his unstoppable offensive game.  Granted, the defender is a full two-inches shorter than Jordan and plays SlamBall, but if you look at it another way, he’s not some scrub blogger.

It seems unfair that a 46-year-old can do the things against an above average athlete that MJ does in this video, but if you ever had a question as to whether or not Jordan sold his soul to the devil, well now you have your answer.  Normal 46-year-olds are thinking about retiring from beer-league softball and reach for the Icy Hot after strenuous activity like tying their shoes.  Were Jordan human, this video would have ended just after his attempted standing reverse dunk, as he came up a good 8-inches short and immediately grabbed for his hamstring.

Then again, old men can flat out shoot the rock.  Find the worst player in your pick-up game, advance him 20 years and watch him go 10-for-10, flat-footed from mid-range.  If you think your buddy is getting a little full of himself, take him to the nearest retirement center and have him square off in a game of horse against the nearest octogenarian without a load in his pants.  Nothing humbles you faster than a guy who can’t chew his own food throwing in buckets underhand style.

I guess if Jordan progresses that way, he’ll be nearly unstoppable by the time he’s sixty.  I say nearly because there’s always the great equalizer of simply waiting for the elderly to fall asleep and then taking advantage of them…on the basketball court…perv.

Tags: basketball, Michael Jordan, SlamBall

NBA Bottom 5

The All-Star break is officially here and Mo Williams is finally in the game.  He’s like a fat girl who really tried to get someone to ask her to the prom, but got turned down by everyone and convinced she wouldn’t go, gave up trying.  Then by some miracle, one of the popular guys asked her, only to embarrass her in front of everyone.  Will Mo Williams get a bucket of pig’s blood dumped on his head at the All-Star game.  TNT has their fingers crossed.

5. Al Harrington- Called out his former coach Don Nelson in the media, saying “he ruins guy’s careers”.  Let’s talk to Baron Davis about that.  Baron, would you prefer to put up mediocre numbers on a bad Clippers team or be an All-Star while having your career ruined with Nelly?  Wait, what about Stephen Jackson?  You want to get arrested on weapons charges in Indy, or lead a playoff team for a career ruiner, Captain Jack?  I won’t bother asking Kelenna Azubuike and Andris Biedrins.      

4. Shawn Marion- The Matrix was living the life.  Living in Phoenix with Steve Nash setting him up for dunks in Mike D’Antoni’s stat-inflating offense.  Then, he got a Joe Johnson-esque ego flush and decided he’d rather be a lead option for another team.  The problem being he doesn’t have a Joe Johnson-esque game and Miami has realized their mistake after less than a season.  Now Shawn gets to play on an underachieving Raptors team in Canada.  At least Jose Calderon can feed him the rock… if he ever gets healthy.

3. Elgin Baylor- After working for years in the Clippers’ front office, Baylor resigned.  Not because the Clippers have been terrible for his entire tenure and thanks to him are saddled with big contracts but no future, but because the Clips are so racist.  He says he was underpaid, but he was payed more than his job performance suggested he deserved.  A grilled cheese sandwich and some bus tokens would have been more accurate.   

2. John Paxson- Here’s another GM who has stayed past his welcome… and effectiveness.  I’ll bet John wishes he could go back to his playing days.  A simpler time when any mistake he made was immediately erased by Michael Jordan.  Now, MJ might be a worse GM than he is.  Paxson likely won’t last as Bulls’  GM much past the All-Star break, but really wants to keep earning a paycheck.  He’s negotiating to stay on in a different capacity.  Let he and Vinny Del Negro shoot for the janitorial job. 

1. Phoenix New Times- There’s usually some debate about the number one spot in the Bottom 5, but not this week.  This amazing journalistic rag is published weekly in the city that is currently hosting All-Star weekend.  I’ll bet the NBA news will be top notch.  Or poorly researched and inaccurate.  Somehow, a professional reporter believed that the NBA would institute a “tatoo cap” and that David Stern would use the word ‘bejesus’ in a public statement.  And after the story ran on the front page of her paper and the entire Internet picked up on what a horrendous error it was, she “still wasn’t sure she’d been duped.”  This moron just set women’s rights back 100 years.  Sorry ladies, but you’re no longer allowed to vote or disagree with men.

Tags: Al Harrington, All-Star, Andris Biedrins, Baron Davis, Bottom 5, Chicago Bulls, David Stern, Don Nelson, Elgin Baylor, Golden State Warriors, Joe Johnson, John Paxson, Jose Calderon, Kelenna Azubuike, Los Angeles Clippers, Michael Jordan, Mike D'Antoni, Mo Williams, NBA, Phoenix Suns, Shawn Marion, Stephen Jackson, Steve Nash, Toronto Raptors, Vinny Del Negro

NBA Bottom 5

This year’s NBA features four teams that could realistically finish with 15 or less wins.  So if you’ve ever wanted to break into the league as a coach, general manager or player, the time is now.  Also, that means 4 of our bottom 5 spots are likely sealed for the year, but that leaves one to be traded back and forth like a slutty girl in a frat house. 

5. Los Angeles Clippers (4-17)- They’ve lost four of five and 8 of ten, but don’t expect this team to hang around the bottom 5 forever.  If the NBA was porn and you could produce a great product with three big guys, the Clips would be set.  But as it is, they’re going to have to sell off Chris Kaman and try to get another guard or legit swingman. 

4. Charlotte Bobcats (7-16)- The ‘Cats are going the opposite direction.  They just traded their top scorer for a washed up frenchman and a defensive stopper.  Obviously, Michael Jordan is trying to get fired, because there’s no way he’s this bad at his job.  Or maybe Boris Diaw is a terrible gambler and MJ was tired of taking money from Charleses Barkley and Oakley. 

3. Washingon Wizards (4-16)- What in the name of Gilbert Arenas’ million dollar underground pool is going on in the nation’s capital?  Gil is hurt, again, so this team should be playing its best ball.  But Caron Butler and an aging Antawn Jamison seem unwilling and unable to pull a John C. McGinley and carry scrubs. 

2. Minnesota Timberwolves (4-17)- Don’t worry Minnesota, Kevin McHale just took over as coach so you’ll be soaring up the standings in no time.  This is a guy who kept you 7 games over .500 in the 31 games he coached at the end of the 04-05 season.  You know, the year after you went to the conference championship.  You know, when you still had all-world forward Kevin Garnett.  You know, when he, as the GM, could have kept you in the title hunt by clearing out bad seeds Latrell Sprewell and Troy Hudson.  You know, when it became reasonable to go ice fishing because freezing off some digits is better than watching this team play ball.

1. Oklahoma City Thunder (2-21)- Well played Seattle.  You made everyone believe you really wanted this team, made everyone feel bad for you and drove up the price of the franchise.  Now you’re toasting champagne like the ‘72 Dolphins as Kevin Durant launches fade-away buzzer beaters to try to cut final score to a 20 point deficit.  This team would not only lose to North Carolina, they’d finish 5th in the ACC.  I salute you Seattle, now figure out a way to unload the Seahawks.

Tags: Antawn Jamison, basketball, Boris Diaw, Bottom 5, Caron Butler, Charles Barkley, Charles Oakley, Charlotte Bobcats, Chris Kaman, Gilbert Arenas, Kevin Durant, Kevin Garnett, Kevin McHale, Latrell Sprewell, Los Angeles Clippers, Michael Jordan, Minnesota Timberwolves, NBA, Oklahoma City Thunder, Troy Hudson, Washington Wizards