Now I Envy the Illiterate

This photo is exponentially more enthralling than her book

Quick, what’s the worst selling book produced by a major publisher in history?  It’s a tough question because of the gag gift variable.  Titles that no one could be interested in could end up selling hundreds of copies to people simply because of the book’s humorous possibilities.  “A Eunuch’s Guide To the Penis” may not be a best seller, but eventually someone stumbles onto it and thinks “Grandma will love this.”

Anyway, the reason I ask is because that dubious record could be in jeopardy thanks to Michael Phelps’s mother’s new memoir, “A Mother For All Seasons”.  Yes, Debbie Phelps wrote a book and it’s not even about her love-affair with Chris Collinsworth.  It’s not even directly about raising a world-class athlete.  Instead, she wrote a book about how hard her life has been and how she overcame all her hardships. 

It’s inspiring stuff, really.  Step one: birth a freak athlete.  Step 2: Don’t kill him.  Step 3: Profit.

I have a hard time listening to Michael Phelps give a 30 second interview and I certainly wouldn’t read a book written by or about Michael Phelps, but I can understand where there might be some audience for that.  What I can’t understand is how there can be an audience for a secondary character in the Michael Phelps story to write a preachy autobiography. 

To me, the concept of Debbie Phelps’s book is like Luke Skywalker’s aunt from Star Wars were allowed to write a 300-page memoir about what she had to overcome and how she turned her nephew into a galactic hero.  Actually, check that.  I made that sound too interesting.  That’s right, a book written by a fictional woman who dies 10 minutes into a movie made 25 years ago on her advice on life and raising a child is more interesting than Debbie Phelps’s book. 

I don’t know that it can actually become the worst selling book of all-time though.  There’s bound to be a fair number of family members and midwestern housewives willing to thumb through it.  Also, by writing this, I’ve assured that someone will buy it as a gag gift for me.  I’m not looking forward to Flag Day this year.

Tags: Debbie Phelps, douchebaggery, Michael Phelps, olympics

Phelps Won’t Be Charged

"Dad-Nabbit! We done been out-smorted ageein!"

Michael Phelps is breathing a sigh of relief today as South Carolina Sheriff Leon Lott announced he would not be charged with anything related to the bong picture.  

Sheriff Lott then defended his senseless investigation into Phelps, drawling:

“[He's] an American hero … but even with his star status, he is still obligated to obey the laws of our state.”

He then closed the press conference by spitting tobaccee juice, uttering a racial slur and mumbling something about Yankees and Jews before doing the Rebel yell while hanging out of his patrol car; as of course is custom in South Carolina. 

Lott blamed the fact that Phelps never admitted to smoking pot as his primary reason for not pressing charges. I guess drug tests are a bit much to ask of a place that has yet to learn of evolution.  Michael is just lucky that the Richland County Sheriff department’s unquenchable thirst for attention and power is trumped only by their staggering incompetence.

The pictures of me offering candy to children out of a window-less van seemed to be enough for those asshole cops in Colorado.

Tags: Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps Continues to Destroy Lives

Which one of you is getting sold on Ebay?

The fallout from the Michael Phelps bong smoking picture somehow continues today as South Carolina authorities arrested seemingly everyone involved.  8 people have been arrested, none of them named Michael Phelps, but the true victim is as yet unnamed. 

The owner of the now famous bong was tracked down by police after he tried to auction the item off on Ebay.  Someone out there decided to put up $100k for that thing and now, after police confiscated the bong, seems to be left bong-less.  In the words of Randy Marsh, “I thought this was America.”

It doesn’t matter what the potential buyer planned to do with the drug/sports paraphernalia.  My money is on genetic cloning from Phelps’s saliva.  It only matters that he had money to blow on a frivolous item and instead of going after Shaq’s game-used jock, he opted for the bong. 

Now he must live with the knowledge that he almost had a piece of American history in his possession, but it was savagely ripped away from him by those who are supposed to protect his freedoms.  If this is a country where such action is swept under the rug, maybe I’ll pack up my own bongs and head for greener pastures.

UPDATE: The Sheriff’s office in charge of this investigation is somewhat denying that the bong was for sale on Ebay.  I say somewhat because in true fascist police fashion, they won’t clearly state anything.  If the bong wasn’t ever for sale, does that change anything?  No, because I already wrote this story and I’ll be damned if I’m going to go back and edit it.

Tags: Michael Phelps, olympics, Shaquille O'Neal, swimming

Hey Jamaica, Stop Making Us Look Bad

In hindsight, this team could've used more coaching.

You may remember the Olympics held in Beijing a few months back and the frustrating performance of the U.S. track and field team.  Sure, they finished with more medals than any other countries’ track team, but we hold our international athletics to a higher standard.  (Omitted Michael Phelps joke available in director’s cut).  You know, like the soccer team… no, wait, not them, but anyway we like to win and win big. 

U.S. track was so embarrassed at the Olympics, they put together a task force to critique the team and suggest solutions.  That team, led by Carl Lewis, actually accomplished their goal and the results are in… the U.S. track team sucks.  Can you say “worth it”?

Lewis says “The problem now is that everyone’s catching up, but we’re going backwards.” 

So, according to Lewis, if we can just train our athletes to discretley trip the other runners as they go by, we might just be OK.  Also, track stars should probably be running forwards.  I’m no expert, but I think that’s the way to win.  I blame the coaches. 

And so does the task force, saying there’s a “culture of mistrust” between the coaches and competitors.  Would you trust the person who hands you steroids one minute and bans you for life the next?  I wouldn’t, and I’m a trusting person.  I’d still let my sister date Chris Brown and let Jamaal Anderson hold my cocaine.

All in all, the report was 69-pages or 68 and a half pages too long.  I can solve U.S. track’s problems in one sentence.  “Make it easier for Jamaicans to become U.S. citizens.”  Problem solved.

Tags: Carl Lewis, Jamaal Anderson, Michael Phelps, olympics, track and field