Michigan State is Low On Role Models

Please tell your kids to say no to Plax

You would think a university with a long, proud tradition like Michigan State would have no trouble finding acceptable speakers for an event at the Boys and Girls Club in Lansing that stresses the importance of education and staying focused.  But, I guess you’d think wrong.  Six former Spartans appeared at just such an event over the weekend and while some of the names were expected, Mateen Cleaves, Morris Peterson and the first man from Flint drafted into the NBA, Justice Thigpen, others were not, Plaxico Burress.  I guess his prior commitment to speak at the NRA meeting was cancelled. 

Is Plax really a guy you want talking to your kids?  You might think he has learned a valuable lesson and can impart some wisdom on the youngsters, but then he says this: “I try to surround myself with positive things.”  Admitedly, not the worst thing he could’ve said.  Still, you have to wonder what his definition of ‘positive’ is.  Oh, actually you have to wonder what his definition of ‘try’ is.  Based on how many plays he takes off on the football field, it must be something like ‘to not give a shit’. 

While most would deem the event a success, considering Plax attended and no ambulance or police were called, Michigan State could have done better.  There are far better choices for famous former-Spartans with far better messages. 

Zach Randolph- “Idle hands are the devil’s playthings.  Eating keeps them out of trouble.”

Mark Mulder- “Work hard for a couple years, then you can screw someone out of a big contract and never work again.”

Andre Rison- “Child support is unnecessary and never trust a girl named ‘Left Eye”

Chris Hansen (NBC News, ‘To Catch A Predator’)- “Who wants to make five bucks?”

Bob Guiney (’The Bachelor’ Season 4)- “Always conduct yourself with class and dignity, unless someone offers you money to do the opposite.”

Sam Raimi (director, ‘Evil Dead’, Drag Me To Hell’)- “Demons, monsters and zombies are real…but Spider-Man will save us.”

James Cuello (former chairman, FCC)- “Watch your damn mouth”

Gloria Santona (Gen. Counsel, McDonald’s)- “What Fat Randolph said”

James P. Hoffa (son of Jimmy, Pres. of International Brotherhood of Teamsters)- “Don’t work too hard…and watch your back.”

Bootlegged from Shutdown Corner

Tags: football, Michigan State, NCAA, NFL, Plaxico Burress

A Day of Surprises

"Holy buttfuckery! What an exciting night!"

What a night.  After months of analysis, weeks of bracketering, and endless hours of arguments, March Madness has finally come sputtering to a close.  Unfortunately it’s finale closely resembled the inevitable conclusion of a weekend diet consisting of nothing but cheese, beer, and cherry turnovers.  In short, it shit the bed.

Unless you suffer a severe mental retardation, the only way tonight’s game was exciting for you is if you had thousands of dollars locked up in prop bets.  That or you’re one of those assholes who pretend to have some allegiance with UNC.  The only thing worse than that is actually being a UNC Alum.

Baseball attempted a distraction, but between the rainouts, games played in domes, and the fact that not a single outcome today will be a factor by September, you’d have to actually have attended one of the games to reap any enjoyment from today.  And even then there better be boobies and inebriation involved if you want to tell me your stupid fucking opening-day story.  You rich fuck.

I’m too inebriated and too goddamn tired to espouse any further.  But no fear.  My hung-over ass will be back at 5:00 A.M. Eastern to bring you tired puns and boring links.  Hopefully the other guy has some good ideas, because I’m literally wiping my ass with my bare hands here. 

Goodnight assholes.

Tags: baseball, basketball, Michigan State, MLB, NCAA, North Carolina

BS March Madness Preview- The Midwest

Wait, why didn't we let Florida in this year?

Today is the day that everyone starts ‘researching’ for the NCAA bracket pool they will be joining.  Considering ‘research’ on the Internet usually refers to looking for boobs, I can’t say I have a problem with this practice.  I do have a problem with the scores of people who will try to sway your opinion on teams by giving you reasons why Robert Morris is a great sleeper team or telling you that Tyler Hansbrough has only once scored in double figures when being guarded by more than one Hasidic Jew, so upper hand to Radford.  Now that you know how much I hate that, let’s get started. 

1. Louisville- Rick Pitino likes to wear white suits with dark underpants.  The NCAA doesn’t take too kindly to public indecency.  You think it was a coincidence that Kentucky won a title the year after Pitino left?

16. Alabama State/Morehead State- This game features the greatest college chant since ‘Let’s Go Peay!’.  I think I speak for everyone when I say, we want Morehead.  Sorry Hornets, I’m sure your liberal arts program is top notch.

8. Ohio State- If they are anything like their football team, they’ll win on buzzer beaters and then get beat by 30 in the finals.  They aren’t like the football team though, they don’t even have Terrell Pryor.  They just suck. 

9. Siena- They are the Saints.  Do they score alot of points, play little to no defense and have some guy with a weird birthmark?  Or, do they identify more with the Siena, whoring around and occasionally starring in movies?  Why not both?

5. Utah- Mormon jokes are funny, I don’t care what those Mormon sympathisers say.  The best Mormon joke would be the Utes’ top 15 RPI.  The punchline is a first round upset. 

12. Arizona- Dick Vitale and Doug Gottleib hate you, Wildcats.  Chase Budinger did get his face stepped on, so he’s like the opposite of Eric Devendorf.  Not as big a douche, but not as much a winner. 

4. Wake Forest- My sources say that Chris Paul is not a part of this team.  My sources also say Wake Forest is not located in Wake Forest.  Take these facts into consideration.

13. Cleveland State- They are actually located in Cleveland and they beat Butler.  So… they’re capable of beating another team in the tournament… once.

6. West Virginia- Their mountain man mascot is often confused with every other man who attends games.  Do they make their own Gatorade rip-off in moonshine stills?  Of course they do.  It’s called Mountain Dew.

11. Dayton- Other teams in their region will play in Dayton.  They will play in Minneapolis.  It’s OK though, because they are the Flyers… that joke brought to you by the Dayton board of tourism who reminds you that Dayton is where assholes from Cincinnati and Pittsburgh come to fight. 

3. Kansas- They won last year, but they aren’t dicks like Florida, so most of that team is gone and they won’t repeat.  That only leaves 64 other possibilities.  You can thank me with cash. 

14. North Dakota State- It’s their first ever NCAA tournament.  What better way to welcome them than to get their hopes up by playing a team that’s notoriously ripe for upsets.  They should miss a potential game-winner as time expires.  That’s what they get for not knowing how to pronounce ‘Bison’… and being too close to Canada. 

7. Boston College- Remember when these Catholics fired their head football coach for interviewing for another job?  God remembers.

10. USC- Southern Cal is known for 2 things, douchebags and the song girls.  I know you don’t want to root for them, but you’re going to. 

2. Michigan State- Tom Izzo always takes his team farther than you think he will.  Except the years you pick them to go far, then they’ll go out early.  If you leave their game blank, the ghost of Mateen Cleaves will haunt you. 

15. Robert Morris- The school’s namesake is famous for financing the Americans in the Revolutionary War.  Maybe they should pull a them and finance the referees in a revolutionary first round upset.

Tags: Alabama State, Arizona, basketball, Boston College, Cleveland State, Dayton, Kansas, Louisville, March Madness, Michigan State, Morehead State, NCAA, North Dakota State, Ohio State, Robert Morris, Siena, USC, Utah, Wake Forest, West Virginia

War Torn Michigan

Hockey players hold the advantage in hand-to-hand combat

There’s a civil war brewing in Michigan.  This struggle will not settle trivial matters like secession, human rights or religious freedoms.  No, this will once and for all settle which sport is better, football or hockey. 

The first blood was spilled in October when fights broke out involving football and hockey players from Michigan and Michigan State in two separate incidents.  Football players emerged as the better tacticians in the war considering both battles raged off the ice.  Also, the hockey players didn’t bring their sticks. 

Spartan running back Glenn Winston has been suspended from the team and more suspensions could be coming, but both sides knew there would be casualties.  Winston and any other fallen players will not be forgotten and in fact will be martyrs and catalysts for their cause. 

Details of the war are spotty, but information suggests the hockey players could be close to adding Canadian support to their cause.  Going international could finally give the skaters their first advantage as the football players are limited to domestic support and are unwilling to ask neighboring Ohio for troops. 

For more information about this brewing civil war, consult your local library.  But don’t expect the librarian to know what you’re talking about.  For some reason, they hire the most uneducated people.  This lady directed me to these books about something that happened like 200 years ago.  Sure lady, I came to the library to learn about the past.

Tags: football, Glenn Winston, Hockey, Michigan, Michigan State, NCAA

Bubble Watch: Everyone is Out

No, his name is Hevin Darris, he just became eligible

All anyone wants to talk about today is Terrell Owens, Alex Rodriguez and who is on the bubble for the NCAA tournament.  A quick look at the Bootlegger Sports front page reveals, we’ve already talked about two of the three, so why not go for the clean sweep.  This may be a recurring segment over the next week.  Then again, I may get bored halfway through this post and fly to Brazil, never to be seen again.  This blog is full of surprises. 

Providence-  has a win over Pittsburgh and all the terrible teams in their conference.  They have a chance to beat Villanova tonight, that would put them in.  If they can’t do that, they’ll need to win some at the Big East tournament, which I understand is 10 rounds long, so there should be ample opportunities. 

Boston College- They are sporting wins over UNC and Duke.  They’re not just in, they’re heroes in my book.  Sure, their resume isn’t spectacular, but every other bubble team is rooting for them.  Why?  So they can meet in the 8-9 game. 

Wisconsin- Just being associated with the Big Ten and not being Michigan State or Purdue should blackball you from the tourney, but if this team was from the Big East, they’d be a lock.  As it is, they just finished being swept by fellow bubblers Minnesota and their final game is against Indiana.  Just playing the Hoosiers should disqualifies you from the Big Dance, so the Badgers are against the wall.

Texas A&M- Oh boy, we’re scraping the bottom of the barrell now.  Their recent loss against Colorado proves about as much as Rick Majerus’ recent victory over starvation, so they’ll have to beat Missouri to even sniff the dance.  Unfortunately for the Aggies, the Big 12 is filled with mediocre bubble teams and has no representative on the selection committee.  Get those maroon and white muffin baskets ready booster club.

South Carolina- How terrible is SEC basketball?  A division winner might not make the tournament.  The Gamecocks have ZERO wins against the top 50 and losses to numerous non-tournament teams.  There has to be some unspoken rule to ensure ‘power conferences’ get more than 2 teams to the madness though right?  Turns out, there is a rule like that.  It reads: “beat a quality team”.  Actually, SC has to make the tourney so a careless CBS announcer can make an unfortunate reference to their nickname.

Tags: basketball, Big 12, Big East, Big Ten, Boston College, Colorado, Duke, Indiana, Michigan State, Minnesota, Missouri, NCAA, NCAA Tournament, Pittsburgh, Providence, Purdue, SEC, South Carolina, Texas A&M, UNC, Wisconsin