Florida Wants More Baseball? But… Why?

In Florida, they don't believe in that "Supply and Demand" crap.

With the booming popularity baseball is enjoying in the state of Florida, it only makes sense that really smart people would be talking about adding a third team in the state.  I’m assuming they’re the same really smart people who thought that Tampa Bay would support a team better than Fort Lauderdale/Miami did.  I guess in a way they were right, as the Marlins finished next to last in average attendance last year, and the Tampa Bay Rays stormed in at 23rd, seventh from the bottom.

So, with the amazing success the sport has seen in the state, it’s no wonder that an Orlando businessman is trying to bring yet another team to America’s penis.  And not just any team.  Nope.  They want to uproot a team with a new stadium in a fanatical market that finished in the top ten in attendance despite having a losing record. 

And that team would be?  Why, the Milwaukee Brewers of course!  Fortunately the team’s owner also happens to be the commissioner, so hopefully he can pull all the right strings to make this happen.  He tried like hell to move the team out before, but balked after all the shadiness of the deal was revealed.

It seems like I’ve seen this all before… Except instead of Bud Selig, the evil owner who kept trying to screw over a midwest baseball city by moving the team to Florida was named Rachel Phelps.   

Less than half an hour before game time.

Tags: baseball, Bud Selig, douchebaggery, Florida Marlins, Milwaukee Brewers, MLB, Orlando, Tampa Bay Rays

Ryan Braun Applies For New Job

This reminds me of the way he spit on his teammates and GM

General Managers in MLB better start watching their backs.  It was only a week ago in an online chat that a fan suggested to the Mariners GM that they look into acquiring Ryan Langerhans, who was traded to Seattle only four days later.  That fan likely has already submitted his resume to the Mariners ownership to be considered for employment in the front office.  He’s likely also alienated all of his friends, family and co-workers by constantly bragging about the baseball transaction he inspired.  Incidentally, it’s the same way Robbie suggested one should act after having the good fortune to participate in a threesome.  The good kind, not the sword-fightin’ devil’s threesome. 

News of that Seattle fan’s plight must have reached Milwaukee outfielder Ryan Braun’s ears.  He’s now thrown his hat and unsolicited advice into the GM’s office.  After losing their weekend series with the Cubs, Braun suggested that the Brewers needed help in the pitching department and urged GM Doug Melvin to make a deal in order to get it.  Though he has a point, Milwaukee’s starting pitcher’s have an ERA over 5 and only one complete game this year, Braun may have made a poor choice voicing it in the media.  He can now look forward to a second half of the season filled with cup checks from 90-mph fastballs.  Then again, if he’s right about the pitching staff not being very good, he won’t have to worry too much about actually being hit. 

Melvin isn’t taking his advice kindly, either, saying it was “inappropriate”, “irresponsible” and “it just ticked me off”.  Braun shouldn’t worry about the repercussions from the GM, however.  As arguably the team’s best player, he has carte blanche to say and do as he pleases.  If he wants to bang out Melvin’s daughter on home plate during a game, Braun can do it because trading him would bring such a severe backlash from the fanbase.  Come to think of it, Braun doesn’t even have to apply to be the Brewers GM, he’s sort of got the job already.  I mean, holding the team hostage and forcing them to make the moves you want isn’t quite the same as being a general manager… it’s better.

Tags: baseball, Doug Melvin, Milwaukee Brewers, MLB, Ryan Braun

Jeff Suppan is Cheap

The value of Suppan is 4 times higher with the bat

The Milwaukee Brewers are currently a game up in the NL Central, but their fans aren’t exactly pleased.  Rather than celebrating the team’s resolve after losing C.C. Sabathia and Ben Sheets, they are selling players at about 10 cents per pound.  That’s roughly double what your local Chinese restaurant pays for stray dogs and 5 times better than what the Indians got in exchange for Mark DeRosa. 

Starting pitcher Jeff Suppan should actually feel pretty good about himself that he’s being auctioned off on Ebay.  Bill Hall is being given away for free as an incentive to buy.  How do you think he feels?  He’s hitting over the Mendoza line and he’s commanding less on the open market than a 34-year-old pitcher whose ERA is flirting with five.  I must say though, it’s a cunning move by the seller.  I wasn’t really interested in buying a dude on Ebay, especially one who doesn’t look like he’s into the kinky stuff…wait, what?  But the inclusion of Bill Hall has me intrigued.  A related offer is how I ended up owning a cigar store Indian and Glen Allen Hill. 

I can’t stress enough how great a deal this is.  Right now, for less than $25 you could own a game used MLB pitcher.  It would cost you more to sponsor his baseball-reference.com page.  Imagine all the things you could use him for.  A conversation starter at parties, he could mow your grass, he could serve up meatballs for batting practice (that’s his specialty).  Besides, if you don’t buy him, Topps trading cards probably will and you know what they’ll do with him, chop him up and insert a piece of him into a limited edition set.  Hey, I got the first knuckle of his pinky finger!

Bootlegged from Home Run Derby

Tags: baseball, Bill Hall, Jeff Suppan, Milwaukee Brewers, MLB

Milwaukee’s Deceased Are Big Brewers Fans

The newest Marlins are abysmal at baseball

The Florida Marlins ain’t afraid of no ghost… meaning of course yes, yes they are.  Double negative, you see.  The club was swept last week by the Brewers while in Milwaukee(Algonquin for ‘the good land’, thanks Alice Cooper), but they may have a valid excuse.

While in the Milwaukee area, guests of the Brewers stay at the luxurious Pfister Hotel, founded in 1893 by Charles Pfister, who now haunts it.  Reportedly, a few of the Fish decided they’d rather spend the night in a teammates room and risk enduring the endless gay jokes than stay alone and risk a ghost attack. 

Sure, sharing a room doesn’t necesarily mean a negative impact on the field, but losing sleep definitely could.  You know, losing sleep while taking your shift watching for an undead spirit called ‘Pfister”.  I don’t know what he did to earn that name, but it sounds unpleasant. 

Whether you believe in ghosts or not, the hotels history was enough to unnerve and affect the Marlins.  Starting pitcher Josh Johnson apparently felt the need to yell “It’s the ghost” anytime there was a noise.  I bet that got old quickly.  Imagine trying to get some road-strange and hearing “it’s the ghost” everytime your mattress creaks. 

The Marlins aren’t the first team to have a negative experience at The Pfister.  Adrian Beltre reportedly had a horrific stay at the hotel a few years back and judging by his numbers since he left LA, he’s never recovered.  Is Milwaukee really so devoid of high-end hotels MLB teams would rather stay in a possibly haunted spot than any other venue?  Don’t answer that.

Tags: Adrian Beltre, baseball, Florida Marlins, Josh Johnson, Milwaukee Brewers, MLB