Minnesota Timberwolves
The Magic Beat The Draft
Fans celebrate the Magic's announcement that they won't be drafting this year
Hopefully, you stuck around long enough last night to catch the tail end of ESPN’s NBA Draft coverage. If not, you likely feel exponentially more fulfilled with your choice of activity than I do, but you also missed Marc Jackson’s assertion that the Orlando Magic were the big winners of the 2009 draft. Before you go frantically trying to remember who the Magic drafted last night, let me save you the trouble and just tell you it was no one. Not a single player. The Magic avoided Madison Square Garden last night like it was Michael Jackson’s hospital room and they were MJ’s personal physician. Too soon? Bah, I don’t care.
Orlando did acquire Vince Carter from the Nets in exchange for Courtney Lee, Rafer Alston and Tony Battie, so it’s not like they did nothing. Still, it speaks volumes about the quality of this year’s draft that the only team that didn’t acquire a single player from it comes off in the best position. Almost like a birthday party where the cake gives all the kids food poisoning. Only the kid who is allergic to gluten comes off as the winner. Finally, the kid who is allergic to gluten comes off as a winner.
Consider the Timberwolves who were on the other end of the spectrum with 4 first round picks. Rather than drafting every point guard available and then having to worry that one of them is going to flee back to Spain, wouldn’t they have been better off using Orlando’s tactic and staying home to reassure Al Jefferson that they’d be better next year? At this point, I think it’s funny to visualize Big Al as Michael Clarke Duncan’s character in ‘The Green Mile’ saying ‘I tried to take it back, Boss, but I couldn’t help it.’ Then new Wolves GM David Kahn, playing Tom Hanks’s part, can say ‘I know Al, I know it’s not your fault Kevin McHale’s career is dead.’ For that allusion to play out, I guess Jefferson needs to ‘ride the lightning’ at some point. But, I guess playing in Minnesota is just as excruciating.
What. The. Hell.
If that nasty mustache could talk...
Adriana Lima is one of the most beautiful women in the world and a Victoria’s Secret model while Marko Jaric is a Serbian role player for the Timberwolves Grizzlies and his eyes are incredibly close together. It goes without saying that these two were made for each other, like steak and expired fish sticks. Lima and Jaric were engaged a while back, but it seems they eloped on Valentine’s Day.
Paparazzi have yet to capture the reason for Lima’s attraction to the rat-man, but I can tell you from assumptions that it’s got to do with whatever is in his pants. Presumably, her mother’s pinky toe. “If you want to ever see the rest of her again, you’ll sign the marriage license”. That could’ve been the meat of Marko’s vows.
Seriously though, he’s got to be packing something extra-special between his legs. That thing must feel like velvet, shine like gold and dispense chocolate. It just occurred to me that a perfectly sexy post about a supermodel has devolved into a discussion about Marko Jaric’s junk… I apologize.
Back to my main point: This is married to this. Once again, this and this. THIS and freakin’ THIS!
NBA Bottom 5
What happened to the Western Conference being dominant in the league? The Lakers would be third in the East. Sure the 8 seed in the East will most likely end up with a losing record, but who cares? Besides the fightin’ Kobe’s, there’s no one in the West I’d like to see Boston beat more then Cleveland or Orlando. And doesn’t it discount a winning record when there are 6 teams with less than 10 wins in the same conference? I mean Obama’s win was impressive too, until you realize his opponents were an old man and an Alaskan bobblehead.
5. Memphis Grizzlies (9-19)- The Griz are only a bottom 5 team away from the FedEx Forum. Most people will say “Is Memphis that nice, or is the fan support that overwhelming?” Nope. But visiting an oasis like Houston, Oklahoma City or Toronto is just too much of a distraction when you’re used to the confines of Memphis. The recent addition of Steve Francis is exactly what this team needed though. They can effectively challenge for that number one pick now.
4. Washington Wizards (4-23)- I still believe in this team. Sure they’re buried in the cellar in the East, but you’ve got to think there’s a legit reason for that. They’re very young in the middle and thin at guard. They even started a 4 forward line-up this week. I still think Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison could carry them to a 30 win season, however. This situation screams conspriacy. Someone check out Gilbert Arenas’ contract. I have a feeling that he loses some incentives if he demands a trade.
3. Sacramento Kings (7-22)- The Maloof brothers are also working on a conspiracy. It’s no secret that they would like an NBA franchise in Las Vegas, so they’ve assembled the most un-athletic, gangly NBA team since white guys and short shorts ruled. How is the combo of Francisco Garcia, Kevin Martin and Spencer Hawes supposed to put fans in the stands? That’s right, it’s not. This team is headed for Vegas in 2010, which just happens to be when a huge free agent class changes the league. LeBron, Bosh and Wade should drink champagne with plenty of call girls at the Palms when they take home their third title.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves (4-23)- Sebastian Telfair is actually thriving in Minnesota, I’m sure he’s having trouble figuring out where he can go to get into trouble. It won’t be long before someone in his entourage reads him the Vikings’ love boat story and he gets a devious look in his eye. That wouldn’t be all bad however, it would mean the first time anyone outside of the state has clicked on an ESPN.com headline that had to do with the T-Wolves. So either Bassey needs to hit the water, or Kevin McHale needs to fight a bear… Al Jefferson will do just fine.
1. Oklahoma City Thunder (3-26)- When Kevin Durant gets hurt/quits, can we start subbing the nearest D-league team in for the Thunder on random nights. The results would be about the same and there’s no way the fans would notice. Most of them only show up to see which underage OU football player is drinking in the stands. At least with D-leaguers on the floor, opposing coaches would have a reason to show up… scouting.
NBA Bottom 5
Did you know there’s a group of people in America that get paid millions of dollars even though they are complete failures? Ok, yeah there’s a few different groups I could rip on here, but I’m talking about NBA players. Specifically, those on terrible teams. At what point in the season does it become acceptable to pack it in and just enjoy your money? It’s probably different for each time, like if you play for the Thunder, it was November 1st.
5. Golden State Warriors (7-19)- Don Nelson has officially become the Mike Shanahan of the NBA. It seems his goal is to take undrafted free agents and try to make them superstars. Bravo Nellie, Anthony Morrow and CJ Watson and Rob Kurz have propelled you to 7 wins! You know, I’ll play for the league minimum and put butts in the seats. People will come from miles around to see my handsome mug wedged into LeBron’s crotch as he throws it down over me.
4. Sacramento Kings (7-19)- This team is out and out terrible. Have you watched them play? NBA TV showed their game against the Knicks last week and their announcers sounded suicidal. Plus, you can always tell how bad a team is after they fire their coach. Teams with some promise will rally and play a few good games under the new guy, like the Sixers after Mo Cheeks got the axe. But when Reggie Theus got canned, the Kings came out and got blasted by 30. It’s also never a good sign when the website it touting the retirement of Chris Webber’s and Vlade Divac’s jerseys IN MARCH! Really? Two guys who only played half or less of their careers in Sacto are being honored in 3 months and that’s front page of the homepage worthy? And they’re calling it “Forever Kings”, you know except when they left to play for somebody else.
3. Washington Wizards (4-19)- Character, Commitment, Connection, this is the 08-09 slogan for the Wiz. Character- like the NBA’s most hated player Deshawn Stevenson starting at the 2, or trading FOR Mike James, notorious clubhouse cancer. Commitment- like the commitment to their head coach, fired one month into the season, or the commitment to Gilbert Arenas to spend the year on IR. Connection- like the fans paying money they don’t have because they connect to overpaid, uneducated players who phone it in on a nightly basis. “Hey, I usually don’t try at my job either!”
2. Oklahoma City Thunder (2-24)- What the hell, how did the Thunder get out of the bottom spot? Well, they’ve taken to blowing leads late instead of blowing games after the opening tip and they aren’t the owners of the league’s longest winning streak. But, did you know OKC boasts 8 post players on their 15 man roster and Joe Smith has the most trade value? Kevin Durant might actually be terrible, but this team is so bad they’d make Mark Madsen look like a hall of famer.
1. Minnesota Timberwolves (4- )- Speaking of Mad Dog, he actually made the T-Wolves roster. Kevin McHale hasn’t led the team to a win yet, and that includes a loss to the Kings. There are so many terrible teams in the league it’s actually hurting LeBron’s MVP candidacy. He only plays 20 minutes a game, goes for 18-8-5-2, then sits on the bench and discusses his next ad campaign with his agents. Meanwhile, the T-Wolves are young, but not the kind of young that develops into a good team. The kind of young suffers some kind of childhood trauma and ends up developmentally screwed up.
NBA Bottom 5
This year’s NBA features four teams that could realistically finish with 15 or less wins. So if you’ve ever wanted to break into the league as a coach, general manager or player, the time is now. Also, that means 4 of our bottom 5 spots are likely sealed for the year, but that leaves one to be traded back and forth like a slutty girl in a frat house.
5. Los Angeles Clippers (4-17)- They’ve lost four of five and 8 of ten, but don’t expect this team to hang around the bottom 5 forever. If the NBA was porn and you could produce a great product with three big guys, the Clips would be set. But as it is, they’re going to have to sell off Chris Kaman and try to get another guard or legit swingman.
4. Charlotte Bobcats (7-16)- The ‘Cats are going the opposite direction. They just traded their top scorer for a washed up frenchman and a defensive stopper. Obviously, Michael Jordan is trying to get fired, because there’s no way he’s this bad at his job. Or maybe Boris Diaw is a terrible gambler and MJ was tired of taking money from Charleses Barkley and Oakley.
3. Washingon Wizards (4-16)- What in the name of Gilbert Arenas’ million dollar underground pool is going on in the nation’s capital? Gil is hurt, again, so this team should be playing its best ball. But Caron Butler and an aging Antawn Jamison seem unwilling and unable to pull a John C. McGinley and carry scrubs.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves (4-17)- Don’t worry Minnesota, Kevin McHale just took over as coach so you’ll be soaring up the standings in no time. This is a guy who kept you 7 games over .500 in the 31 games he coached at the end of the 04-05 season. You know, the year after you went to the conference championship. You know, when you still had all-world forward Kevin Garnett. You know, when he, as the GM, could have kept you in the title hunt by clearing out bad seeds Latrell Sprewell and Troy Hudson. You know, when it became reasonable to go ice fishing because freezing off some digits is better than watching this team play ball.
1. Oklahoma City Thunder (2-21)- Well played Seattle. You made everyone believe you really wanted this team, made everyone feel bad for you and drove up the price of the franchise. Now you’re toasting champagne like the ‘72 Dolphins as Kevin Durant launches fade-away buzzer beaters to try to cut final score to a 20 point deficit. This team would not only lose to North Carolina, they’d finish 5th in the ACC. I salute you Seattle, now figure out a way to unload the Seahawks.
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