Arianny Celeste is Getting Her Inbox Stuffed

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Hooray for excuses to post this picture

If you aren’t a fan of MMA and haven’t been watching various UFC events, you’re missing some incredible action and amazing athletic blah blah blah… tits.  Mostly, you’re missing the outstanding walking and sign holding up talents of Miss Arianny Celeste.  As a UFC Ring Girl, Arianny has the burdensome task of telling people what round it is and making sure things don’t get too gay, you know, with all the half-naked dude wrestling and what-not.  Let me tell you, she is doing a bang up job.

So bang up, in fact, that she’s created her own fan base of creepy, borderline stalkers.  One such future sex offender admirer is high school student Connor Cordova, who evidently put in a lot of time and effort in making a YouTube video asking Arianny to accompany him to his prom.  After presumably stocking up on mace and rape whistles, Arianny incredibly agreed.  Not only that, but she is setting up one of Cordova’s friends with one of her hot ass friends, who may or may not also be a ring girl.  And now that all of the bloggers, Internet lurkers and socially awkward chronic masturbaters, oh, I already said bloggers, have seen a crack in the dam, expect Miss Celeste to be overwhelmed with invitations in the coming weeks.

I hope she enjoys creepy dudes hiding in her trash so they can ask her to go to their cousin’s bar mitzvahs.  Or guys hiring a sky-writer to draw a likeness of their junk with ‘I (heart) Arianny’ written down it.  Or a guy kidnapping her and taking her to Vegas for a quicky wedding ceremony.  I really hope she likes all of that stuff…because I’m not stopping until something works.

Tags: Arianny Celeste, MMA, UFC

Brock Lesnar’s Only Weakness Revealed

I almost posted a Brock Lesnar picture...thank me later

A friend of mine claims he would fight Brock Lesnar.  ’So what’ you might be saying, ‘lots of people aren’t scared to die.’  But this fellow actually thinks he could survive and hold his own.  I’m pretty sure he thinks he could beat Lesnar in a fight.  Because I’m a good friend who likes to see dreams come true, and cocky jackasses blood spilled, I’ve made it my mission to set up such a fight if ever given the opportunity to meet Lesnar.  This morning, I received a text message asking me to set up this match as quickly as possible.  It appears big Brock’s weakness has been uncovered.

Like the great warrior Achilles, Brock Lesnar appears invincible but has a lurking vulnerability.  By some incredible coincidence, Achilles’ weakness was his Achilles heel.  That’s almost as unlikely as Lou Gehrig contracting a disease that bears his name.  For Brock, it seems his weakness is his intestines because he’s been receiving treatments for a bacterial infection in his intestinal tract.  Frank Mir is kicking himself right now for not employing more holds that would infect Lesnar’s fragile intestines.

UFC president Dana White has expressed concerns that Lesnar may never fight again.  Since everyone now knows how to defeat the great beast, would anyone really want to see him back in the octagon, spoiling his young legacy?  Until now, Lesnar has flaunted his unstoppable nature.  His torso features a large sword tattoo, which seems to suggest that he’s even impervious to being stabbed [ED. Note: No Homo]. But now that we know the monster can be felled by a microscopic organism, the fearsome persona is gone.

As for my friend, I’ll be working to get him that fight with a debilitated Brock Lesnar.  Until Brock contracts a disease that completely paralyzes him or robs him of his toaster-like hands, I’m making him a heavy favorite against any amateur.

Tags: Brock Lesnar, MMA, UFC

Herschel Walker Has Less Than A Year To Live

(March 3, 1962- His Strikeforce Debut)

It was announced today that former NFL-running back, Herschel Walker, is not expected to live past 2010.  This is sad news to be sure, but Walker doesn’t want anyone feeling sorry for him after he was diagnosed with terminal stupidity syndrome.  Doctors say there is no cure for TSS and most sufferers don’t make it past the age of 50.  Walker will be 48 next year.  To be clear, TSS does not kill its victims directly, but the decisions they make as a result of suffering from the illness often do.  In Walker’s case, he has inexplicably decided to start fighting in MMA.

Walker has signed an agreement with Strikeforce and will enter a training camp at the American Kickboxing Academy in San Jose, California.  No specific date has been set but it is estimated that it won’t take place until sometime in 2010.  Thus, Walker has been granted a brief stay of execution.

Many may be wondering how any self-respecting organization could allow a sick man like Walker to sign his own death warrant.  Strikeforce director of communications Mike Afromowitz was quick to address that concern by clumsily lying to everyone within earshot.

This isn’t a publicity stunt or a gimmick.  Herschel Walker has [Ed. Note: had] tremendous athleticism, and he has always shown that off the gridiron [except in the past 12 years]. He’s accomplished a lot in his life and in the world of sports. His accomplishments speak for themselves [I hope because I'm unfamiliar with them], and we hope that his athleticism can transition into a successful MMA career [or publicity and money for me].

Walker being diagnosed with TSS has even thrown his life’s accomplishments into question.  His 1992 participation in Olympic bobsledding is now being regarded as a result of his TSS.  Some are even wondering if his decision to play football was also made simply because of the TSS.

After his Strikeforce debut, Walker will be survived by his family and thousands of Georgia Bulldog fans who regard him as the greatest college running back of all-time, even though he clearly isn’t.

Donations to the TSS Support Fund can be made through Bootlegger Sports and we’d like to clarify that TSS is in no way related to Dissociative Identity Disorder with which Walker also suffers, although it is possible that only one of his personalities suffers from TSS.

Tags: football, Herschel Walker, MMA, NFL

Jean-Claude Van Damme in “Not the Face!”

What? Don't fighters pose like this? Aren't I fabulous?

Jean Claude Van Damme must have a Death Warrant for himself, because he has agreed to take the Maximum Risk and fight a Lionheart, and Olympic Gold Medalist boxer named Somluck Kamsing.  Sadly, The Quest won’t last Until Death, but that’s not to say there might not be a Sudden Death. 

Are you tired of that yet?  Because I was going to mention that Van Damme would have to Double Team Kamsing in order to Knock Off this Hard Target.  Even though they’ll be No Retreat, No Surrender, that’s not to say our hero isn’t worried about Breakin’ his money maker.

And I read this on the internet, so I know it’s real. 

“Van Damme has requested to bar the use of elbows during the fight because he is an actor and does not want his face to get cut or bruised, Kamsing told Siamsport.”

Haha!  That’s hardly The Hard Corpsthing to do.  Unfortunately Van Damme didn’t make a movie called “The Pussy,” so it’s hard to express my feelings on this.  Oh well, the Bloodsport takes place in March, so keep your schedule free. 

Bootlegged from FilmDrunk

Tags: Boxing, MMA, Ultimate Fighting

UFC 100 (GROWL) (Metal)

We couldn’t go any further without posting something about this weekend’s UFC 100 event.  Everyone wants to talk about Brock Lesnar going nuts after his domination of Frank Mir, flipping off the crowd and scaring  Joe Rogan to the point of pissing his pants in the post-fight interview.  Or they want to talk about Georges St. Pierre big win over Thiago Alves and whether or not he should move up a weight class.  Those two guys are impressive and I wouldn’t want to anger either of them by not at least giving them a mention, but I’d like to shift the focus over to Dan Henderson.  He had the KO of the night with his monster right hand to Michael Bisping’s jaw, plus he had a finishing move that he probably stole from Mortal Kombat.  Honestly, if the ref hadn’t stepped in, would anyone have been surprised Hendo ripped out Bisping’s heart?

This just advances the theory that you don’t mess with guys with shitty nicknames.  If you run across a guy whose friends are calling him ‘fairy’, he’s either harmless and lives up to the nickname, or he’s so tough, he needs a terrible nickname because even ‘beefcake’ won’t suffice.  If that guy is a UFC fighter, you should probably assume the latter. 

Bisping is known as ‘The Count’, a pretty solid moniker for a Brit.  Henderson goes by the unassuming and not so creative ‘Hendo’.  Of course he’s going to be a monster in the Octagon.  He needs a crap nickname because even calling him ‘Super Killer’ wouldn’t do him justice. 

I, on the other hand, am known as ‘History’s Greatest Monster’ because my strikes land like butterfly kisses.  No, I’m not kicking you in the face anymore, Grandma, I don’t care how much it tickles. 

Tags: Brock Lesnar, Dan Henderson, Georges St. Pierre, MMA, UFC