BS Mock Draft Part 3: The End of Stupid?

After tonight, Blake will socialize with a higher caliber jersey chaser

If you missed parts 1 and 2, go hereand here.  Before we start on the top ten picks, I do need to address some business.  I received an email from Mr. B.J. Mullens asking us to please stop picking on him.  So, in accordance with his wishes, this edition of the Bootlegger Sports Mock Draft will be B.J. Mullens free… just like the NBA in 2012.  Ah, who am I kidding, the B.J. Mullens jokes aren’t going anywhere.

10. Milwaukee: Jonny Flynn- The Bucks made it painfully clear that they’d rather save money this season than field a competitive team.  Assuming that holds true over the next few seasons, the worst thing they could do is draft someone who is going to commanda big salary down the road.  Flynn is that type of guy.  I personally think he’s going to be a stand-out guard in the league, but even if he only ends up being an average contributor, he’s going to want his money.  Jonny already refers to himself in the third person and while that isn’t always a sign of a great player, it is always a sign that the person is very high on himself and expects to be paid as such.  I heard B.J. Mullens once asked a girl if she would like to sleep with B.J. Mullens and she replied, ‘only if B.J. Mullens is that black guy in the corner.

9. Toronto: Tyreke Evans- The Raptors have been working on building a team of shooters for about 3 years now and the last thing they need is a guard who can’t shoot.  That would be like The Olive Garden hiring a competent production team for their commercials, it’s completely out of character. 

8. New York: Jrue Holiday- The Knicks desperately need a 2-guard, but not this one.  He can’t shoot the three, people have already questioned his upside and frankly, his name pisses me off.  How the hell can you even pronounce it?  The English language doesn’t put j’s and r’s next to each other for a reason.  I’m guessing this would make New Yorkers at MSG even edgier and before you know it, there’s a full-scale riot. 

7. Golden State: Stephen Curry- Sure, Curry seems like a great pick for the Don Nelson system, which I give at least one more season before old Nelly is hauled off to the nut house.  Lately, however, the coach has taken to trying to make undrafted scrubs into stars.  Even if that means benching proven scorers like Jamaal Crawford.  Therefore, drafting Curry would be a gigantic waste as he’d likely spend the season rotting on the bench.  And if you don’t think that would be the worst outcome from the Warriors pick, then you look into Curry’s babyface and doe eyes and tell him he’s not going to get any PT, because I don’t have the heart. 

5 and 6. Minnesota: No one- Back to back picks is quite a luxury, but it’s also a lot of pressure for a new GM.  The Timberwolves could get cocky and let the clock expire on the 5th pick, knowing they have the 6th.  But then, while they’re celebrating and enjoying their luxury, they could accidentally let the clock run out again, allowing the Warriors to jump in ahead of them.  I’m sure there’s some sort of parable or Aesop’s fable that applies here… maybe the ant and the incredible douchebag? 

4. Sacramento: James Harden- The Kings seem to need just about everything except a shooting guard.  Plus, for some reason, my gut tells me that Harden has high bust potential.  Maybe it’s that beard.  Baron Davis is the only other guy I’ve seen rock facial hair like that in the NBA lately and still perform well.  Even if Harden turns out to be on the same level as Davis, you still have to plan for the 40 games he’s going to miss every year.  Honestly, Harden wouldn’t be a disaster for Sacramento because they were so bad last year that any addition will be positive.  Adding Harden would just be the least help… like adding a fat girl to an adult movie cast. 

3. Oklahoma City: Trading up- There was plenty of buzz early on that the Thunder may be willing to give up way too much to get the number one pick and get hometown hero Blake Griffin.  That doesn’t seem as likely now, but it would be a terrible move.  Sure, Griffin is incredible andhe’d put butts in the seats for his rookie season, but at some point, you have to field a competitive team to keep fans coming back.  With everything they’d have to give up to gain Griffin, the Thunder would be shitting the bed for at least the next 3 seasons.  So I guess choosing Griffin is the same as choosing an all alcohol and Mexican food diet for an entire month. 

2. Memphis: Taylor Griffin- The Grizzlies management is so inept, they might get confused on which of the Griffin brothers is the good one and think they really lucked out to get him with the 2nd pick.  And really, do any of these other prospects inspire so much confidence that you could definitively say that taking Taylor Griffin is worse than taking someone else?  Well, yes, many of them are that much better, but it’s closer in this year’s draft than it would have been in any previous year. 

1. LA Clippers: Any one not named Blake Griffin- In his interview with the team, Blake could announce that he’d rather be a ballerina and is considering giving up basketball, and the Clips would still have to draft him number 1.  That’s because if he ended up playing ball for another team in the league, they’d get hammered by their fans andthe media.  Just ask Portland and Detroit how long it takes to live down a botched draft pick.  On the other hand, the Clippers always want to steal headlines from their cross-town rivals and taking Griffin wouldn’t be surprising enough to get it done.  To really steal the Lakers post-championship thunder, I’d suggest grabbing B.J. Mullens.  That would inspire columnists in California to lead with banner headlines of ‘What The F*ck?!?’ for at least 2 weeks. 

Enjoy the draft everyone and when our good friend B.J. gets taken, chug a beer and take a shot for me… and in memoriam of the franchise that drafted him.

Tags: basketball, mock draft, NBA, NBA Draft

BS Mock Draft Part 2: The Stupidity Continues

I know who I'm drafting

If you missed picks 21-30, you can check those out here.  Basically, I’m giving you the worst possible pick for each team, thus the pick you should boo with the most gusto when your team drafts and the pick you should laugh heartily at when other teams draft.  Because the NBA is where hating everyone happens.  Also, I’ve decided to give B.J. Mullens a break… unless I can’t come up with any other punchlines.

20. Utah: Brandon Jennings- I’m sure Brandon would be shocked if he fell this far, but most NBA GMs wouldn’t be.  He’s fail to wow anyone in his season abroad and his presence in Utah would be un disastro.  Like I said for the Hornets, drafting a guard who can’t play off the ball when you have one of the best point guards in the league seems foolish.  Plus, I have a feeling that Jennings’s swagger would rub the Mormons the wrong way, which is to say that rubbing Mormons in any way is the wrong way.  You know who they would love?  B.J. Mullens… they’d think he was the cutest thing since Greg Ostertag.  See?  I’m laying off of him, that was a compliment. 

19. Atlanta: Jeff Teague- I’m not sold on Teague and the Hawks have a long history of botching picks for these types of players.  Remember Salim Stoudamire?  Well, then you’re the only one.  If the trade for Jamaal Crawford goes through, then Atlanta will have plenty of guards who can’t really distribute without the addition of Teague.  I know I’ve been crushing International players, but I’d love to see the Hawks get a friend for Zaza Pachulia.  I mean really, that guy has to be dying in the ‘A’. 

18. Minnesota: Austin Daye- This Gonzaga product is like a poor man’s Earl Clark and most people aren’t even sure if Clark is going to pan out.  Can you imagine playing Daye at power forward alongside Al Jefferson?  That frontline isn’t going to stop a stiff breeze, much less a legit NBA post player.  Daye could slide to the wing, but his lack of back-to-the-basket skills means he’ll be unable to utilize his height advantage and he isn’t a good passer, which suggests he’s not a great fit for a team that just traded away their point guard and best wing distributor.  The T-Wolves can actually save Daye’s life by not taking him.  His lack of body fat suggests an inability to stand up against harsh Minneapolis winters…or falls…or springs.

17. Philadelphia: James Johnson- The Sixers have Thaddeus Young and will likely bring back Andre Igoudala.  That doesn’t leave much room for this former Demon Deacon.  Draft Express says at best he’s Ryan Gomes.  Really?  That’s his best case scenario and he’s going in the lottery?  God this draft is terrible.  It’s like if a movie exec tried to cast Brad Pitt and George Clooney, but struck out on both and immediately went to Carrot Top. 

16. Chicago: Tyler Hansbrough- What’s the difference between Joachim Noah and Hansbrough?  Psycho-T shoots it better, Noah is the better defender.  That’s about it.  Noah hasn’t exactly set the world on fire and the Bulls don’t need another project inside.  On a related note, I believe The Project Inside won 3 adult film awards last year.  Or maybe I’m confusing it with a documentary on public housing in Bed-Stuy.

15. Detroit: Any guard- Antonio McDyess, Kwame Brown and Rasheed Wallace are all unrestricted free agents.  That’s the bad news.  The Pistons did just pick up Fabricio Oberto in a trade for Amir Johnson.  That’s the worse news.  Any player under 6′-8″ need not apply.  Also, any player named B.J.  I didn’t want to give the guy false hope.  

14. Phoenix: Cash- The Suns have plenty of holes to fill, especially if they end up parting with Shaq and go back to transition, 7-seconds-or-less style ball.  They’d basically be pissing on their fanbase if they decide to sell this pick like they have in past drafts.  Then again, they could take B.J. Mullens and just shit on their fans.  Damn it, I’m really trying to stop. 

13. Indiana: A white guy- The Pacers could feature as many as 6 Caucasians even before adding any rookies or incoming free agents.  I realize it’s Indiana, but come on now.  I’m almost positive that no NBA team has won a title with more than 6 white guys since 1970.  I want to see an NBA whitewash as bad as the next guy, but let’s not mortgage an entire franchise to chase it. 

12. Charlotte: Any Tarheel- Enough already MJ.  You love Carolina, we know.  Reaching for Hansbrough or Ty Lawson here may make you feel a swell of pride for your alma mater, but it isn’t going to win you any games.  If you want to show your school pride, do what the rest of us do.  Paint your junk in school colors and give the next skank you find a spirit-filled mushroom stamp.  What do you mean you don’t do that?  Oh, you must have gone to a Baptist university. 

11. New Jersey: Terrance Williams- He kind of plays LeBron’s position and I thought it was already agreed upon that the Nets would leave that spot symbolically open until King James comes to save them in 2010.  I guess it would actually be a mistake to draft anyone here since that will hurt the cap space for the next off-season.  No, my advice is to just lie back and wait.  Incidentally, that’s also the advice I gave your mother.  ZING!

Yup, the jokes are falling off pretty sharply.  There’s only 10 picks to go, so come back before the draft to see the rest.  Or don’t, I don’t need your approval.  Seriously, come back… I desperately need your approval.

Tags: basketball, mock draft, NBA, NBA Draft

BS Mock Draft: Don’t Be Stupid, NBA

This is how Mullens asks for head... so far, he's 0-2.

This year’s NBA Draft features plenty of potential busts.  This group could bust more than a male porn star on his first day of work.  With that in mind, and considering the large contingent of NBA front offices that seem incapable of evaluating talent, I give you the first annual Bootlegger Sports Mock Draft.  We aren’t going to tell you who your team should draft, there’s plenty of blow-hards out there to do that.  Instead, we’re going to tell you who the worst possible, but feasible, pick for your team is.  More often than not, it’s B.J. Mullens.  Here they are in reverse order just to screw with you. 

30. Cleveland: Eric Maynor/ Nick Calathes- At least one of these combo guards will be available at the end of the first round, the Cavs should have as much interest in them as they are in giving Jay Z season tickets and admittance into their locker room.  They Cavs have scoring point guards and at best, these two will be Delonte West.  At worst… uh… Delonte West?  But, of course, either would be better than B.J. Mullens.

29. LA Lakers: Wayne Ellington- The champs don’t need much, but taking a PG or building better depth up front could be defended.  Drafting a poor-man’s Rashad McCants to sit behind Kobe Bryant can’t be.  Kobe plays over 40-minutes per game, meaning even if Ellington plays incredible for a rookie, his impact will be minimal.  Contrast that with Andrew Bynum playing roughly 3 minutes before picking up his 2nd foul and the very real possibility of losing Lamar Odom.  Get a big, LA… but not B.J. Mullens… or DeJuan Blair. 

28. Minnesota: Any International player- Minnesota owns roughly every other pick in the draft, so we’ll hear more about terrible options for them later.  With so many holes on the team and so little veteran leadership, the last thing they need is to take an International guy who will spend the next couple years over seas.  Or worse, infect the young, impressionable millionaires with their French way of thinking.  Ricky Rubio is long gone by this point and I’m assuming the days of the Spurs being the only team with scouts in Europe is long gone as well.  That means Internationals outside the lottery are verboten.  And yes, Minnesota should consider Ohio a foreign country, so no B.J. Mullens. 

27. Memphis: Darren Collison- We could just wait for the Griz to show us their worst possible pick by drafting him, but what’s the fun in that?  At one point last season, I believe their roster consisted of Rudy Gay, Marc Gasol and 10 point guards.  Drafting another one, especially one that hasn’t really wowed anybody, seems like a dumb decision.  Judging by GM Chris Wallace’s track record, he’s getting excited about B.J. Mullens.  He’s got Internet buzz!

26. Chicago: Omri Casspi- This is the Bulls’ 2nd pick of the first round and they have reportedly shown interest in this wing player from Israel.  Hmm, I guess they loved the Thabo Sefolosha experience so much, they wanted another go-round.  Considering seemingly safer picks like DeMarre Carroll and Chase Budinger may still be available, the decision to go International seems sketchier than casting Britney Spears in a movie (ugh and might I add, woof).  On the other hand, Casspi beat B.J. Mullens in a game of 1-on-1 while blindfolded… true story. 

25. Oklahoma City: DeJuan Blair- Adding a shooter or pure point guard here might make sense, assuming they take Thabeet at number 3.  The Thunder are at their best when they go small and run with either Kevin Durant or Jeff Green at power forward, so how would adding a guy shaped like a dorm-room fridge make any sense?  He should be gone before this, unloaded on some poor sucker who will immediately regret his decision while watching Blair attack the buffet on the first day of training camp.  But if he slips, NBA GMs tend to think, ‘this guy was supposed to go 10 picks ago, I know we have him graded really low and he doesn’t fit our system, but he’s a steal now!’  You know what else is a steal?  B.J. Mullens talent.  Rumor is Evan Turner stole it last season to make himself even better. 

24. Portland: Eric Maynor- I honestly believe that Maynor and Blazer Jerryd Bayless are so similar, the universe may implode if they ever shake hands.  This team doesn’t have a ton of need, so avoiding global catastrophe should be priority number one, er two.  After nailing Megan Fox, everyone’sunderstood number one… don’t pretend like it isn’t ladies.  By the way, drafting B.J. Mullens should be roughly priority 703,324,109, right between a total frontal lobotomy and scrubbing Greg Oden’s taint. 

23. Sacramento: Jeff Teague- The Kings were abysmal last season, so honestly anyone would help them.  Teague could be a Ben Gordon-like scorer in the league, or he could be completely worthless.  No need to take a risk on an undersized 2-guard with limited point potential.  Instead, take a risk on a player who plays a position that could be of use to you in this crapfest draft.  Incidentally, Crapfest Draft was the name of my first home-brew.  Now I’m working on Sheisse Bock.  Guess who is on the label?  Hint:  It’s B.J. Mullens.

22. Dallas: Tyler Hansbrough- Imagine a line-up featuring Dirk and Psycho-T in the frontcourt.  Now imagine every offensively capable post-player nearly creaming themselves while reading the scouting report.  The Mavs could use a center, but here’s really no bigs to get excited about here so investing in a point guard to groom behind Jason Kidd could work.  They may also want someone to groom to be the next Eric Dampier.  Talk about a job that’s perfect for B.J. Mullens. 

21. New Orleans: Demar DeRozan- It’s a long-shot that he’d slide this far, though I can’t figure out why he’s so highly regarded.  Obviously, taking a point guard would be a waste, especially a guy like Brandon Jennings who you couldn’t even play along-side CP3, but somehow I think DeRozan would be a worse fit.  He isn’t a great defender, has limited range but is a talented finisher near the rim.  He’s like Desmond Mason without the defense… so he’s present day Desmond Mason.  Chris Paul has already played with Mason and it wasn’t a rousing success.  He could really use a guy like J.R. Smith, why did the Hornets exile him again?  Oh right, Byron Scott hates success.  Speaking of which, have you met B.J. Mullens, Coach Scott?

Jesus, I had no idea this was going to be so long when I started, but I guess I’m handcuffed to finish it now.  Look for the next ten picks later…sometime.  Also, look for that Leighton Meester sex tape, I heard it’s good.

Tags: basketball, mock draft, NBA, NBA Draft