Barry Bonds is Hunting For Suckers

Watch out Paula Abdul, Barry really needs a job

Former San Francisco Giants’ All-Star and false testimony enthusiast Barry Bonds has sent his agent on a spectacular mission.  Unlike the hunt for the Lost City of Gold or the journey to the Fountain of Youth, however, Jeff Borris’s mission has no hope of success.  He’s attempting to find Barry a job. 

For the next few weeks, Borris will be more annoying to MLB GM’s than PETA to, well, the rest of society.  The unlucky few who have been cornered by the agent or been forced to fire their secretaries for taking his call, have been quick enough to make up some lame excuse. 

Minnesota GM and possible Witness Protection member Bill Smith explained that his club just doesn’t have space for Bonds.  “We have 5 players for 3 outfield spots and a DH and we like all 5.”  Of course, he’s clearly lying considering one of those players is Jason Pridie and not even Jason Pridie likes Jason Pridie. 

Pittsburgh GM Neal Huntington denied Bonds a return to the Pirates by saying “we’re looking forward to building around our young players”.  To translate, he means they’re looking forward to another low pressure year in the cellar with a sweet draft pick as their reward. 

Walt Jocketty, now with Cincinnati, claimed ignorance when contacted about Bonds.  “Barry Bonds?  Never heard of him, uh, no this isn’t Walt, he’s, uh, dead, uh, forever, I think you have the wrong number, uh, que?

Washington Nationals president Stan Kasten told Borris he was busy trying to replace a GM.  When asked if Bonds could perhaps fill that position, Kasten responded “no, we tried a crooked GM already and it didn’t really work out.”

And so the hunt continues for Barry Bonds’ agent, who says “I’m just doing my due diligence.”  Once again translated to, “I’m just desperately trying to make some money off this cheating asshole.”

Tags: Barry Bonds, baseball, Bill Smith, Cincinnati Reds, Jason Pridie, Jeff Borris, Minnesota Twins, MLB, Neal Huntington, Pittsburgh Pirates, Stan Kasten, Walt Jocketty, Washington Nationals