The Nets Are A Beacon Of Hope

The white areas are where people's dreams will be crushed

The New Jersey Nets are just plain terrible this season.  They’re already 10.5 games back of the Eastern Conference leaders and they’ve only played 13 games.  Did I mention they’ve won zero of those?  They’ve already lost 6 home games, which is one more than the Lakers lost all of last season.  They are shooting 40-percent from the field as a team and they average a full ten points fewer than their opponents.  I could go on about the crapulence of this year’s Nets, but considering I already advised New Jersey inhabitants to kill themselves today, it’s starting to feel like I’m just piling on.

My point is a positive one, however.  The Nets are really bad.  I mean, almost historically awful.  But still, they maintain at least a passive interest for most basketball fans.  Not for the on-court product.  I wouldn’t wish season tickets to the Nets on my worst enemy.  I’d naturally wish much, much worse.  Like season tickets to Nets practices where the draw of Kobe or LeBron coming to town is non-existent.  No, the Nets are interesting because of everything outside of basketball.  The presence of Jay-Z, the new Russian owner and the latest ruling that their impending move to Brooklyn will uproot hundreds from their homes and businesses.  I didn’t really see exact numbers to be honest but hundreds sounds kind of low.  The new stadium project covers about 22-acres in Brooklyn, so, uh, let’s say it affects roughly 2.7 million people.  Yeah, that should evoke a little more sympathy.

Apparently, in October, the number of homeless people that were being sheltered by the city of New York hit an all-time high, so this seems like as good a time as any to destroy affordable housing and replace it with luxury condos near a giant arena.  Sure, it seems cruel, but at least the families who could now find themselves on the street will have plenty of company to keep their spirits up.

Bruce Ratner, current owner of the Nets, is pushing this plan through roadblocks and I could try to explain all the legal difficulties he’s encountered but over-come thus far and any set-backs he might suffer before the plan comes to completion, but I won’t because I nearly fell asleep reading about that stuff.  Instead, let me tell you that I assume that this fellow is related to film director Brett Ratner, who gave us the Rush Hour trilogy.  If he were running the Nets, Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker would be the hilariously mismatched back-court mates and the owner’s box would be flooded with nachos.  The team would still be 0-13, but Chris Tucker would be the best sound-bite source in the league.  Don’t touch a black man’s locker, where does he come up with this stuff?

In order to class the joint up a bit, here’s what the Chief Judge for New York’s top court wrote in response to the argument that the state’s use of eminent domain is unconstitutional.

The constitution accords government broad power to take and clear substandard and insanitary areas for redevelopment.  In so doing, it commensurately deprives the judiciary of grounds to interfere with the exercise.

Clearly, his argument is water-tight because he used the term ‘in so doing.’  There’s only one legal defense for that, so unless the opposition can work in ‘heretofore’ somehow, I’m afraid this plan is going to continue unabated.

Bravo to the Nets for showing us how a terrible franchise can still dominate public interest and headlines.  I hope the Royals and Lions have been taking notes.  Also, bravo to you, the reader, for wading through all the non-sequiturs and drivel to make it this far.  I stopped paying attention four paragraphs ago.

Tags: basketball, NBA, New Jersey Nets

The Russians Are Invading New Jersey, Maybe

'Is enough for whole state of Jersey, yes?'

Even though it probably isn’t true, I like to think that Russia is dirt poor and people still wait in line for days to get a loaf of bread.  So when it was announced that Russia’s richest man, Mikhail Prokhorov, had made an offer to buy the New Jersey Nets, I naturally assumed that he earned his title because he was the only man in the country who could afford HBO and that his offer was essentially $217 American and his used Yugo.  Since he is refusing to reveal the actual monetary figures, I guess I get to keep believing that.  I win this round, Prokhorov.

The Russian tycoon broke the news himself on his blog.  Wow, we aren’t so different after all.  I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I can change…and you can change…everybody can change.

Anyway, I’m sure Prokhorov’s blog is written in Russian so please allow me to translate for you.

Hello, I am named Mikhail Prokhorov.  I am taken my moneys to make basketball in United States.  I want make basketball very much.  New Jersey is land of opportunity.  I spend many moneys, make New Jersey Nets number one.  Jay-Z will be my bitch.  Is good, yes?

Yes, is very good.  This offer came about because current Nets owner, Bruce Ratner, and his plan to move the team to Brooklyn faces a December deadline.  Construction on a new arena must break ground before then, or they will lose the tax-free bonds financing much of the project.  That’s where Prokhorov comes in.  He’s willing to finance the stadium in exchange for a controlling interest in the team.  I feel like I’ve seen this before, somewhere.  Cash strapped Americans receive unsolicited help from the Russians and it seems like a great deal at first, but then Jean Claude Van Damme has to come and save everyone.  JCVD is getting a little old to be beating up Russians, so I would have to advise against taking this offer.

Tags: basketball, NBA, New Jersey Nets, Russia

AP to China: ‘Watch Your Back’ UPDATED

The AP ran this under the headline: 'Sneaky Chinese Breed Giants For World Conquest'

You may have noticed that the source for many of the stories used on Bootlegger Sports is the Associated Press.  Generally, this is because the AP provides a bare-bones outline of the facts in a story, leaving plenty of room for us to mangle and interpret it for ourselves.  In one of their latest breaking news stories, however, the AP showed it’s true colors, or more accurately, their aversion to a certain color.

The headline “Chinese School Accused of Fraud at Soccer Tourney” may well have originally read “Yellow Devils Can’t Be Trusted”.  I guess it also could have once read “Disco Unicorns Plan Mission to Uranus”.  With my imagination, anything is possible. 

The AP article details the events of a Chinese junior high girls’ soccer team that used players from the junior national team to win an international tournament.  It’s all acceptable journalism, although I’m not entirely sold on the quote attributed to a spokesman for the school: “Me Chinese, me play joke.”

The mudslinging and muckraking becomes rampant in the second half of the article when all past transgressions involving Chinese athletes are rehashed.  Sure, background information is an important part of any story, but when a claim lacks evidence or allegations are dismissed, I don’t think you can still talk about them as if they’re historical fact.  Of course, I’m talking about legitimate journalists.  We can do what we want. 

Hey, remember when those Chinese gymnasts were rumored to be under the IOC’s age limit?  That just proves you can’t trust the Chinese even though they were cleared. 

Yi Jianlian of the New Jersey Nets might have lied about his age too, possibly.  That’s right, just keep digging the hole deeper, China.  If you keep digging maybe you’ll reach America.  I bet you’d like that wouldn’t you?

To the AP’s credit, they did attempt to contact the pair of Chinese Government Bureau’s investigating the junior high’s soccer team, but “calls to both offices went unanswered.”  Now that’s probably because of all the previous times they’ve called from the same number and ordered ‘Beef with Broccoli and an Egg Roll’ and now the offices won’t answer when the number comes up on Caller ID, but kudos for the effort none-the-less.

UPDATE: Turns out, yeah that Chinese soccer team cheated.  And the AP took the opportunity to again remind you of all the other times China has possibly cheated.  Hooray for consistency.

Tags: China, IOC, New Jersey Nets, olympics, soccer, Yi Jianlian

Hundreds Disappointed At Nets’ Career Fair

'Look, that guy can't even afford an Armani suit'

The New Jersey Nets are a part a part of the NBA.  The NBA is where caring happens.  It seems like a no-brainer then that the Nets would put on a career fair for the surrounding unemployed community.  Or, you know something that demonstrated they actually care about people instead of filling their heads with unattainable dreams, but why quibble over details?

The AP reports that “over 700 people, dressed in business attire, attended the Nets’ 5th annual Sports Career Fair at the IZOD center.”  It seems cruel to me to hold an event at the IZOD center, but anyone wearing IZOD is immediately disqualified from any potential jobs.  But maybe that’s why I’m not a successful business man.  I’ve got too much heart. 

The job-seekers actually were forced to pay a registration fee of “either $20 or $40″.  What?  Is this just lazy reporting, AP?  It’s like the reporter got back to his office and forgot how much people paid to get in, so he just threw out some numbers.   The original article also read ‘either 700 or 2000 people attended the Nets’ 5th or 8th Sports Career Fair’. 

Or, maybe this is just another ploy to weed out applicants.  When there’s a blank on the applications that asks how much you paid to get in, you know there’s a screw job going on. 

My favorite possibility is that it’s like a museum with a ”suggested donation” for an entrance fee.  Silly museum, I know what ’suggested’ means.  I suggest you add strippers, cause that’s where my money’s going. 

Many of the attendees made statements similar to ”I’m just trying to pay the bills’.  I’ve got good news for them.  Most of the jobs offered at the fair are unpaid internships.  Nothing pays the bills like experience. 

Of course the Nets were offering jobs too, but they are all impossible.  Who could hope to succeed at keeping Vince Carter’s ego in-check or tutoring Brook Lopez?

In addition to the sports-related companies and franchises, several universities opened booths to kick people while they’re down. 

‘Hey unemployed, poverty-stricken guy, if you had a master’s degree from St. John’s, you could easily find a job.  Just give us $75-grand and you’ll be earning money in 3-short years.’ 

Heckling like that could be heard throughout the floor followed by diabolical laughter and the sipping of champagne and puffing of cigars.

Tags: Brook Lopez, NBA, New Jersey Nets, Vince Carter

Yi Jianlian is Boring, Dirty

In China, Yi is known as Mr. Excitement... and Yao is called Tiny

New Jersey Nets forward Yi Jianlian apparently fancies himself a writer, just like me.  He’s been writing a blog in his native language, just like me.  He mostly talks about sports, just like me.  His posts are incredibly dry and boring, just…like…me? 

Nets Daily hopefully didn’t spend much time or money to translate Yi’s blog to English because between you and me, it stinks like General Tso’s monkey testicles.  Here’s a riveting excerpt:

I actually can’t remember how many times I’ve been to LA. I was trained here before and I came here for games a couple of times. Compared to NJ, these two cities are very different. One is on the east coast and one is on the west. One is cold and the other is hot. Many things are very different.

Jesus, I’ve read 4th grade book reports that kept me entertained longer than that.  At least I can laugh at their spelling errors and misguided interpretations.  Old Yeller was not a symbol for industrialization you retard. 

Yi’s only redeeming quality is his propensity for hilarious sexual innuendo, which is sadly missing from most elementary school papers.  Thanks alot American prudes.  Here’s Yi’s best work:

“I have to adjust myself.  Today I missed some opportunities.  The balls were supposed to go through but fell out.”

If you didn’t at least crack a smile at that, you should probably leave now and erase this page from your browser history, Reverend. 

As for you, Yi, how about a post about how many STDs Vince Carter has contracted this season?  In an English grammar contest, who would be worse, you or Brook Lopez?  Does Josh Boone get the dregs of the team’s groupies?  Desribe Devin Harris’s junk… what?  He’s on my fantasy team… I need to know these things.

Tags: basketball, NBA, New Jersey Nets, Yi Jianlian