Nike Again Asserts Authority Over College Football

Are they running away from the explosions and loud noises?

Last season, Nike unveiled their ‘Pro Combat’ line by enlisting ten schools to wear special, custom made uniforms.  The reaction from the fans was nothing short of…underwhelming.  If ‘Nike Pro Combat’ had a movie poster, these are the reviews that would appear on it.

The TCU one was pretty good.

The gloves are the best part.

Not as bad as the worst uniforms Oregon wears.

This year, Nike is again designing uniforms for ten lucky, wait is lucky the word I want here?  I’m being told it is.  Lucky schools.  They are repeats Ohio State, Miami, Virginia Tech, TCU, Florida and newcomers Pitt, Boise State, West Virginia, Oregon State and Alabama.

I’m not entirely sure why Nike is launching ‘Pro Combat’ again, but I guess they know their business.  That business is, of course, not-so secretly controlling college sports with giant wads of cash.  Business is a-boomin’.

Anyway, the uniforms this year look pretty decent.  Boise State’s are nice enough that I’d almost stop hating Boise State.  Virginia Tech’s are solid, Pitt’s are OK and then there are some others that also elicit a one-word, adjective response.

How are you supposed to feel if your school is one of the ones chosen for this project?  ’Hooray, our team sold out its tradition in a sports where tradition means everything.’  I think I heard Florida fans chanting that last season in between mouth hugs for Tebow.

Not that I’m anti-cool new uniforms, but I don’t really understand the logic behind special unis that only last for one week.  I’m sure these schools would be willing to let Nike redesign their every-week uniforms if they came up with something that incorporates the traditional look of the team with a slight update.  But then, I guess maybe that wouldn’t get the response they’re after.

What are they wearing?

Huh, look at that.

I guess those aren’t the worst thing we could be wearing.

I, of course, can’t really talk considering this whole article is essentially an ad for Nike.  And now, I’ll accept my payment.

*looks under table*

Cash?  Where’s my handjob?

Tags: football, NCAA, Nike

Kevin Durant Blew It

As you can see, this is the new Nike Hyperize commercial.  It features Mo Williams, Andre Igoudala, Rashard Lewis (is this why he’s been taking PEDs?) and Kevin Durant.  You may notice they are supposed to be a basketball team but only have 4 players.  Shaq likely begged to be the fifth, but was told he was too old.  I’m sure he cried for days over that one.  He may have been more upset about not being in this commercial than he was when he divorced his wife.  I take that back, he was definitely more upset about the commercial. 

The first time I saw this commercial, it was the short version featuring only Kevin Durant.  I noticed a couple of things.  One, he’s not a strong rapper.  Two, he looks great in the Africa inspired 80’s clothes.  The Thunder are really missing a great marketing opportunity with their uniforms. 

But, I can’t say this is a great move for KD.  His best commercials to date have included this many lines.  I’m making a fist to denote he doesn’t usually talk.  Hmm, I probably could’ve come up with a better way to get that point across.  Anyway, he’s ruining his reputation with this commercial.  He used to be a silent assassin.  He was unpredictable, unflappable and he killed teams without showing much emotion.  Not in a boring way like Tim Duncan.  Rather in a cool way, like he knew he was going to beat you, it wasn’t any real crowning achievement for him.  This commercial kind of destroys that persona. 

I’m not knocking Nike for the effort.  This spot is nice for Mo and Iggy and Rashard, who incidentally really needs a nickname, more on him later.  I just don’t like Durant’s inclusion.  He needed to build his mystique by appearing solely in commercials with no voice overs or lines.  Only slow, haunting piano behind slow-motion shots of him walking or playing ball.  Occasionally, they could show him dramatically drinking water or petting a kitten, just to screw with people. 

Tags: Andre Igoudala, basketball, Kevin Durant, Mo Williams, NBA, Nike, Rashard Lewis

LeBron James is Wearing His City Out

Finally, a shoe for the untapped market of Akron aficionados

Nike released the newest edition of the Zoom LeBron line of shoes in New York today and it’s apparent that LeBron James wields too much power in that relationship.  The Zoom LeBron VI features the city of Akron’s skyline and a street sign representing the street where LeBron was raised.  In other words, the shoe is only for LeBron and his family. 

Reall LeBron, the city of Akron’s skyline?  The mayor of Akron wouldn’t recognize that, and even if he did, he wouldn’t want to put it on his shoes.  Let’s be honest, the sweatshop kids screwed up that part of the shoe, so it looks like a bunch of boxes and blobs.  You and Nike just scrambled and dodged a huge financial hit by telling people it was the Akron skyline.  You’re no better than me when I tell dates I left my wallet at home.

There’s also a milk crate on the shoes to represent the first goal LeBron played on as a child.  That cliche isn’t effective anymore.  Basketball players used to shock the upper-middle class by using that story. 

 ’We were so poor, we didn’t have a basketball goal, so we made one out of a milk crate.’

‘My God, honey get my checkbook, I’ve got to throw some money at the ghetto to make myself feel better.’

Now that story doesn’t hold as much weight.  There’s a player in the Big East tournament that grew up on the subway. 

‘We were so poor, we couldn’t afford a house, so we made one out of the subway.’

‘My God, honey get a milk crate, I’ve got to give it to this kid to make myself feel better.’

But maybe I’m being too hard on LeBron.  He’s just trying to represent where he came from, and kudos to him for pricing his shoes at $140 a pair to ensure that anyone else that came from the same place will never be able to afford them.

Tags: basketball, LeBron James, NBA, Nike

Tiger’s Trophy Presentation Haulted By Loss

Bad news Tiger, you may want to put down the razor

Imagine my suprise when I turned on the Golf Channel and saw Tiger Woods competing at the Accenture Match Play Championship.  I had heard somewhere that Tiger was returning this week from his knee injury, but I had gathered that he would simply be showing up at the tournament and handed the trophy.  Tim Clark’s parents will be getting a note saying their son doesn’t follow directions well. 

Clark took Tiger down 4-and-2.  That wasn’t in the script.  Somebody is going to have to explain to the national press why they have to go back and rewrite all those stories about Tiger’s incredible return to dominance.  Rick Reilly might just kill somebody when he hears that his latest column detailing his love affair with the most dominant golfer of all time is going to have to have a different ending.  It’s OK though, because that sex scene was about 500-words too long.

Nike already filmed a commercial with Tiger lifting the Match Play Trophy as the climactic scene, what are they going to do now?  Are they supposed to sell shoes and equipment without a famous athlete?  You might as well ask Deion Sanders to fill his wardrobe with K-Mart merchandise. 

And then there’s Tiger himself.  How pissed do you think he’s going to be when he shows up to get his trophy and collect his check?  He’s got kids to feed.  You think he’s going to be able to survive on a meager tie for 32nd? 

I guess ESPN can go back to pretending like golf doesn’t exist until it’s time for Tiger to tee it up again.  I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near Bristol if he takes time out of his busy schedule to play golf and doesn’t get to act humble in accepting a trophy on Sunday, though.  Eventually, all that disappointment is going to take its toll.

Tags: ESPN, Golf, Nike, Tiger Woods, Tim Clark

Marketing 101: Boobs Sell Shoes

Great, now the U.S. can't even win the gold for hottest athlete

I can understand how frustrating it would be to work for an advertising firm.  You have to figure out how to sell something no one wants or needs through the commercial medium that no one pays attention to.  When you work for the Nike marketing department, however, life is simple.  You hire some of the world’s most elite and recognizable athletes, throw a toe-tapping soundtrack behind them and show your product a couple times.  Or, throw some boobs in front of a camera wearing a Nike swoosh.  Either way you’re rich!

Leryn Franco made a name for herself by being hot and competing in the javelin at the Beijing Olympics for her native Paraguay.  See, before if someone said Paraguay you’d only have two options: talk about their exports of cotton and livestock, or make a terrible joke about a “pair of gays”, either way you’d be punched square in the mouth.  But now, you can just start talking about Leryn Franco’s ass and everyone’s happy.

If you’re wondering how talented Leryn is at handling a javelin, I like where your head’s at.  She’s never cracked the top 40 in Olympic competition, but finished 2nd in the Miss Paraguay pageant in 2006.  Let the Anna Kounikova comparisons begin!

Seriously, let’s give Nike a standing ovation for bringing the “sex sells” theory of advertising to their commercials.  With Leryn on screen every thirty minutes, I won’t have ot DVR those text-chat commercials anymore.

Tags: Anna Kournikova, Leryn Franco, Nike, olympics, Paraguay