Wrong Bear Died

Submitted as evidence of redneck douchebaggery: Dvoracek at wrastlin'

The Chicago Bears lost a talented and remarkable young man Sunday when Gaines Adams, 26, died of cardiac arrest.  The defensive end had just finished his third season in the NFL and by all accounts was a humble, gentle young man who had just begun to realize his full potential.  Though he had just joined the Bears in October, his teammates have been deeply affected by his passing as have those he played with in Tampa.  Though Adams never made a big name for himself on the field in the NFL, he will be sorely missed and remembered as one of the good guys.

Meanwhile, slightly more than 24 hours before his teammate would lose his life, Bears defensive end Dusty Dvoracek was being arrested for public intoxication, assault and battery and interfering with an official process.  The former Oklahoma star was back in his old punching grounds of Norman, Oklahoma and reportedly become drunk and fighty when bouncers attempted to kick him out of Seven47, arguably the douchebaggiest bar in Norman.

I ask you, is this justice?  One player seemingly does everything right and his life is taken away while another player does everything in his power to waste his abilities and yet, he gets to continue screwing up.  I’m not saying Dvoracek deserves to die, but uh…I’m just…well…I forget where I was going with that.  Let’s see how Samuel L. Jackson feels about the whole thing.

Yes he deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell.

The opinions expressed by Samuel Jackson do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the staff at Bootlegger Sports, its parent company or its subsidiaries.

What I can tell you is that Dvoracek is the worst kind of person.  Just ask his alleged friend who spent time in intensive care in 2004 after Dusty attempted to make his forehead touch his spine.  With Dvoracek, you get all of the redneck douchebaggery of Jared Allen without any of the infuriating talent.  Infuriating because, naturally, you want Jared Allen to suck, but he keeps rolling out All-Pro type performances.  I guess in that sense, people should enjoy what Dvoracek does because you can hate him for everything he is and enjoy him never living up to expectations on the field.  Still, if I had to choose between never hearing about Dusty Dvoracek or never hearing about Jared Allen again, the choice might be pretty difficult.  Ah, who am I kidding, no it wouldn’t.

Tags: Chicago Bears, douchebaggery, Dusty Dvoracek, football, Gaines Adams, NFL, Oklahoma

Welcome To The Jungle…Er, Sun Bowl

You know where you are? You in the Sun Bowl baby, you gonna die!

There are those around the country that are looking forward to this year’s edition of the Brut Sun Bowl with great anticipation.  Those are the people who won’t be in attendance and have wisely chosen to instead watch from the relative safety of their living room.  The match-up of Oklahoma and Stanford is an intriguing one with Toby Gerhart against the Sooner defense and Jim Harbaugh against Bob Stoops and Oklahoma’s penchant for losing bowl games against Stanford’s penchant for losing bowl games.  On the other hand, the game will be played a mere kick-off away from Juarez, Mexico, also known as the plucky little city who is making a great case to be the murder capital of the world.

2500 people have been murdered in Juarez this year alone, which is a number so heinous it rivals the number of Sooner fans who offed themselves when Sam Bradford went down with a shoulder injury.  A number of fans have cited safety as a reason to skip this year’s Sun Bowl and that isn’t all that shocking or interesting.  But when the players start talking about wishing they too could stay away, bloggers ears start to burn.  And that special cream does nothing, I tell you.

Oklahoma cornerback Brian Jackson has a real future as a Puritan minister considering his fear-mongering skills.

They said there’s something going on across the border right there, that it’s not safe.

They should have moved the bowl game. It’s the well-being. You’ve got to think about our well-being first, don’t you?

Clearly, Jackson was joking because he’s a senior and he’s played in the NCAA for four years now.  If he still hasn’t learned that it’s not about the players well-being first then there’s not much hope for him.  Wait, is he a quarterback with a face for marketing?  No, his well-being isn’t important.

El Paso officials are adamant that their city is among the safest in the U.S., despite their neighbors to the south.  And despite my neighbors to the south, I’m not a pedophile but you still probably wouldn’t want me to baby-sit.

Tags: football, NCAA, Oklahoma, Stanford, Sun Bowl

Oklahoma Promises They Deserve Your Vote

OU defenders almost make a tackle...so that should count.

The University of Oklahoma lost for the Red River Slopfest this weekend to Texas, which brings their record to a pedestrian 3-3.  They have no Sam Bradford, no Jermaine Gresham and their performance on the field has been far from what most expected to see from the defending Big 12 champs.  Still, things aren’t so bad round Norman way, just ask the Sooners.  Specifically Senior Associate Athletics Director Kenny Mossman, who made sure every AP voter in the country received this email following Oklahoma’s loss to Texas.

Oklahoma’s three losses …

· By a total of five points.

· All on neutral or road fields.

· All versus ranked opponents.

I’m assuming Mr. Mossman meant to add that OU’s three wins have all come at home against unranked, non-FBS, non-BCS and/or non-Robert Griffin having teams, but he must have accidentally hit ‘Send’ before he had the chance.

Losing three games by a total of 5 points to good teams away from home is certainly tough, but does it mean you should be among the elite in college football?  Surely, Oklahoma isn’t suggesting that the fact that they can win neither close games nor games on the road should make them one of the 25 best schools in the country.

AP voters seem to think that does qualify them for a spot in their rankings, however, as the Sooners managed to cling on at number-25.  Of the three teams that dropped out of the rankings this week, South Florida, Notre Dame and Nebraska guess how many have both fewer losses than Oklahoma and more wins on the road.  Go ahead and guess.  I’ll give you a hint, it’s slightly more than none of them and exactly all of them.  Oops, that kind of gave it away.  In fact, Nebraska has a win over a ranked Missouri team and South Florida’s only loss is to #8 Cincinnati and they have a road win over a ranked Florida State team, who also has a road win over ranked BYU, who beat Oklahoma.

I’m not saying that Oklahoma doesn’t deserve to be #25 in the country…I mean, they don’t but that isn’t my current argument.  I’m just saying that they don’t deserve to be pandering for votes.  If you go by Norman, Oklahoma, you can actually see the entire athletic department on the street corners with cardboard signs that read, ‘will work for AP votes…just not on the road.’  And that’s not right.

When the Sooners find a way to win away from Gaylord Memorial Stadium, they can go back to reminding us all how they failed to win all those close games earlier this season.  Until then, maybe they should sit the next few plays out.

Tags: Big 12, douchebaggery, football, NCAA, Oklahoma, Texas

Breaking News: No News

'I won't tell anyone our fingers touched if you don't'

Before the college football season started, the media couldn’t stop talking about Tim Tebow and Sam Bradford coming back to school and possibly leading their teams to a national title.  Oh and there was a little something in there about Colt McCoy also.  I think he plays at Texas but he doesn’t have a Heisman Trophy so why would I waste my time memorizing information about him?  In other news, Tim Tebow was born in the Philippines on August 14th, 1987 and his middle name is Richard.  His friends call him Tim.  I call him Dick.

Now that we are a full month into the season, plenty has changed.  Of course I don’t mean people have stopped talking about Tebow and Bradford.  I mean, people are talking about Tebow and Bradford being injured.  I know, I was as surprised as you that Timothy could get injured.  But, I guess he accepted that possibility when he agreed to let God send him to Earth to become man.

Bradford injured his throwing shoulder in Oklahoma’s first week loss to BYU and is trying to make it back in time for the Sooners’ meeting with Miami.  And this just in, he might just get to play.  Or maybe he won’t.  OU head coach Bob Stoops broke the news to reporters today that he doesn’t know when Bradford will be ready to play.  He then shone some light on other issues by saying he doesn’t know if there’s an after-life and he doesn’t know if there’s intelligent life on another planet.

As for Tebow, he suffered a concussion in Florida’s road win over Kentucky this past weekend.  Urban Meyer would like you to know that Tim suffered a concussion.  Well, that’s helpful.  What everyone wants to know, however, is whether Tebow will be ready for the Gators’ trip to LSU in two weeks.  That’s a question Meyer isn’t addressing.  That along with questions regarding his sexual history, credit history and what he’s having for dinner tonight.  Your guess is as good as mine as to why he’s being so coy about the last one.

The conclusion you can draw from these stories is that if you want news about college football, too damn bad.  Nobody wants to tell you anything you didn’t already know.  Joe Paterno on questions about Penn State’s loss to Iowa: ‘we lost.’  Steve Sarkisian’s response to his team’s let-down against Stanford: ‘I used to work with Pete Carroll.’  Randy Shannon’s statement after Miami’s loss to Virginia Tech: ‘Our school colors are orange, green and white.’

At least in the NFL, Chris Mortensen will lie to you to make it seem like there’s breaking news.

Tags: Bob Stoops, Florida, football, NCAA, Oklahoma, Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow, Urban Meyer

Oklahoma City’s Triathlon Was Sick

I'm guessing it's not the Oklahoma, but only because no one is vomiting

The Boathouse International Triathlon was held May 16th and 17th in Oklahoma City and participants won’t soon forget the event.  In lieu of trophies, elite athletes went home with gastrointestinal illness caused by shitty water in the Oklahoma River.  No really, the water “had problems with fecal coliform pollution.” 

The Oklahoma State Department of Health spokesperson said “it certainly could have been the river, but we don’t know that yet at all.”  That’s true.  The athletes could have been infected by the food or the drinks they consumed at the race.  But then, OKC’s Web site doesn’t specifically say that any food or beverage should be avoided.  It does say no one should swim in the Oklahoma River.  What’s the first leg of a triathlon?  Swimming.

The sport performance director for the Olympic training program U.S. Triathlon tried to put a positive spin on the event saying, while about 20 athletes were devastatingly ill, “the rest of the athletes did not get sick at all and had a great experience”.  And really, what more can you ask for out of a triathlon?  Like they say, you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t keep all of the people from contracting a disgusting illness from poop-water all of the time. 

The executive director of the host facility suggested that the event is still a work in progress, saying “we are learning as we go.”  So, holding the swimming portion in water that’s been deemed unsafe for swimming wasn’t a good idea.  How could anyone know that if they’ve never tried it?  Triathlons and human health are all about trial and error.  That’s why I didn’t sue anybody when my doctor performed surgery on the wrong leg.  Well, one down and only one to go and now he’s had more practice with the procedure. 

The Oklahoma Health Department is sticking to their story about the river being safe but they may be bringing the rest of the state down in the process.  An official said “it’s probably more dangerous to drive to the Oklahoma River than to swim in the Oklahoma River.”  That really only suggests that Oklahoma drivers use less caution than Oklahoma triathlon coordinators.  It’s also more dangerous to jump out of an airplane than it is to punch a gorilla, but afterwards you’ll probably wish you’d done neither.  Of course, I might prefer both to swimming in the Oklahoma River.

Tags: douchebaggery, Oklahoma, olympics, triathlon