On the Tube: Braves at Ricketts Field

Future spot of Ricketts Vision Mega Screen

This is where I tell you some of the crap that’s on tonight.  Some of the details may even be correct.  All times CDT.

Atlanta Braves at Chicago Cubs  6:00 ESPN:  With the return of third baseman Aramis Ramirez plus the announcement of the sale of the Cubs, this game should generate some excitement.  But I’m guessing the mute button is hit by the bottom of the first inning, as both the above mentioned items will be discussed ad nauseum.

Tour de France: Stage 3  7:00 VS:  Marseille to La Grance-Motte.  Or something.  I place this just above golf and right below poker on the excitement scale.  Factor in that this footage happened earlier today and isn’t live, and you’ve got yourself some worthless programming.  Well… maybe the scenery will be pretty.  If you’re into that sort of thing.

National Treasure  8:00 Sci Fi:  Proof that Nicholas Cage should never be considered for a serious roll ever again.  The fact that they made two of these is a slap in the face to our civilization.

Swamp Loggers  8:00 Discovery:  Sounds like the title of my latest sexual escapades.  Yeeaaaah.  (pumps fist, picks up crabs shampoo)

WWE Monday Night Raw  8:00 USA:  If you’re over the age of 11 and still watch this you should have your right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness revoked. 

Lance Burton - Top Secret  8:00 WGN:  Lance Burton convinces hundreds of mentally challenged people that he just made a stealth bomber disappear.  In actuality all he makes disappear is WGN’s Neilson ratings for 8:00 on Monday.

Tags: On the Tube

On the Tube: Therrible Thursday

Butts on tables is okay sometimes

Milwaukee Brewers at Chicago Cubs  7:00 MLB Network: I doubt that many people anticipated a first place Brewers team rolling into Chicago to take on a sub-.500 Cubs club this weekend.  I also doubt that any of you will watch this game tonight, because let’s not shit ourselves, who has to go to work tomorrow?  It’s a going-out-and-hitting-on-fat-chicks kinda night. 

Billiards  7:00 ESPN2:  It’s time to just start referring to “the deuce” as “the turd”.  Three hours of billiards?  Are they trying to spike the attempted suicides in this country?

Forgetting Sarah Marshall  7:00 HBO:  Another movie that you can watch about a million times and still find funny.  Perfect for having friends over and letting play behind conversations and awkward silences.  And Mila Kunis could drain my flesh sack in about 4 seconds by just saying my name in that sexy Meg Griffin voice of hers.

Hung  9:00 HBO:  The pilot episode about a high school basketball coach who suffers from the same debilitating physical abnormalities that I do.

The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien  10:50 NBC:  Twenty minute delay because of Wimbledon’s lameness.  It’s actually a rerun of Conan, but it has Jim Gaffigan and Norm McDonald, and that’s about as solid a show as one could ask for.  Yes, we’re well aware that we didn’t list Wimbledon tonight.  This was not an oversight.

Tags: On the Tube

On the Tube: Volleyball and Sharks

"Well it proves one thing Mr. Hooper."

Pitchmen  All Day Discovery:  Oh Billy Mays, how I don’t miss you in the least.  But I will, in fact, be missing every single episode of your tribute marathon. 

FIVB Volleyball  Italy vs. USA  6:00 ESPNU:  Nope, not the good kind of volleyball.  This is the kind without breasts. 

San Francisco Giants at St. Louis Cardinals  7:00 ESPN:   Yeah, I know it’s not Tim Lincecum, but Matt Cain goes for his 10th win.  Also, did you know SF is 8 games over .500?  Crazy eh?

PBA Bowling  7:00 ESPN2:  Gee, I wonder why ESPN is having to downsize.  Could it be that they show 2 prime time hours of bowling on their second largest channel?  Not bikini bowling?  Or midget bowling?  People watch anything with midgets.  Ask Discovery or TLC. 

Necessary Roughness   8:00 CMT:  Sinbad and Kathy Ireland.  Which makes one ask, “I wonder what Kathy Ireland looks like now?”  But you know what?  You don’t really want to know.  

JAWS  9:00 HBO2:  What I consider the greatest movie to drink to.  It’s different than drinking to, say, Legally Blonde: Red, White and Blonde, because you’re not just trying to put yourself into a coma.

Tags: On the Tube

On the Tube: Box-Office Poison

Now you've seen the best part of 'Summer Catch'

I know it sounds strange, but the lack of quality programming might be a good thing in the long run.  I’m willing to bet that the ideas behind Netflix and Viagra were hatched at a time like this.  (ALL times CDT)

Summer Catch 6:00 MTV: Jessica Biel is in this movie but rather than waste two-hours of your night, just download a picture of her and hit yourself in the head with a baseball bat while you stare at it.  Trust me, it will be far less painful. 

WNBA Minnesota at Atlanta 6:00 ESPN2: Hahahhaha, it feels good to laugh.

The Superstars 7:00 ABC: A supermodel bitched out T.O. last time, but what are the chances something awesome happens again?  Probably better than the chances of me tuning in to find out. 

Classic Boxing: 1993 Bowe vs. Holyfield 7:00 ESPN Classic: Old-school boxing that doesn’t feature Tyson or Ali is about as exciting as, well, current boxing.

Point Break 7:00 FMC: Keanu Reeves plays an FBI agent who goes undercover as a surfer to stop a crime wave.  Get it, surfer, wave, Keanu, acting, oh it works on so many levels.  I believe this is Keanu’s best work to date, plus it won the academy award for best motion picture about a group of bank-robbing surfers.

Sports Soup & Fanarchy 9:00 and 9:30 Versus: If you need to get rid of a houseguest and are morally opposed to violence, might I suggest tuning in to Versus tonight?

Tags: On the Tube

On the Tube: One Sports-Related Event

When I watch TV like this my roommate hits me.

Unless you taped some MNF games, you’re shit outta luck on good sports programming tonight.  Actually you’re kinda just out of luck on any good programming tonight.  (All times CDT)

New York Mets at Milwaukee Brewers  6:00 ESPN:  [Insert something interesting about this game here]

American Idol: Tribute to Michael  7:00 FOX:  The only thing that could make this more shitty and less sincere would be if Joe Buck co-hosted tonight with Ryan Seacrest.  In case you hadn’t noticed I don’t necesarily list programs I think anyone should watch. 

Inside Man  8:00 BET:  When was the last time you saw something worth watching on BET eh?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  You’re white.

Secrets of the Founding Fathers  7:00 History:  Not about infidelity and slave rape, but it probably should be. 

The Whale That Exploded  8:00 National Geographic:  In my pants.  Get it?

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List  9:00 BRAVO:  If you consider watching this or think that Kathy Griffin is anything but anti-funny you should also consider drinking bleach.

Tags: On the Tube