Pete Rose Should Be A Big Steroid Fan

Here's an easy way to let people know you're mentally handicapped

With this weekend’s induction of Ricky Henderson, Jim Rice and a third guy who no one is talking about into the Baseball Hall of Fame, talks again shifted to whether it’s time to allow Pete Rose in.  It’s gotten to the point that I’m not sure you can say the words ‘hall of fame’ without someone bringing up Charlie Hustle.  You could be touring a nursing home and when the employee pointed out the resident wall of fame, some old woman may pop out and say ‘hall of fame?  Is it time to let in Pete Rose?’  And that would be really weird because why would you be touring a nursing home? 

It seems Hank Aaron is lobbying for Rose now, which could finally sway Bud Selig to reinstate him.  If you haven’t been paying attention for the past couple of years, Aaron has gone into full curmudgeon mode and is calling out every baseball great of the past 10 years.  I guess losing his career home run record really pissed him off, but I can’t say I blame him.  I’d be tempted to drive off an overpass if Bonds passed me on the highway, I can only imagine the havoc I would wreak if Bonds passed me for something important.  I guess what I’m poorly trying to articulate is that it’s not surprising that Aaron is supporting Rose because if he’s against any recent star who is under suspicion of taking steroids, by default he is behind any older legend who has no steroids suspicions, regardless of any other crimes. 

That seems to be the way many former players and even media and fans are going though.  Now that steroids has corrupted the game more than many thought possible, transgressions that seemed unfathomably terrible in the past now don’t seem so bad.  Sure, Rose bet on baseball while he was involved in the game, which used to be the worst thing a player could do, but at least he didn’t openly cheat to inflate his numbers.  Sure, Joe Jackson may have been involved with the greatest scandal in baseball history, but at least he played on a level field while throwing games.  Sure, Vince Coleman threw firecrackers at people, but at least he couldn’t hit many because he didn’t use steroids to enhance his throwing arm. 

It makes one wonder if there will be a baseball crime in the future that will make historians look back fondly on those greats of the past who innocently injected themselves with steroids.  How bad would baseball have to get for people to forgive Bonds and McGwire for only blatantly cheating on the field?  For the answer, you only have to study the recent headlines.  Baseball playing robots are clearly the next horrible way to cheat in the sport.  Sure, Barry Bonds broke a sacred record by juicing and refuses to admit it, but at least he was human.

Tags: baseball, Bud Selig, Hall of Fame, Hank Aaron, MLB, Pete Rose, steroids

NHL Players Are Slow, Not Sexy Enough

No porn stars, but NHL players still have Elisha

Seven years is a long time.  That’s how long Marilyn Monroe had an itch, I guess.  That’s how long it took for Van Wilder to graduate college.  Also, some non-movie related things can happen in that amount of time.  Things like a group of 19 current and former hockey players can wise up to an investment scheme that had duped them out of $25-million.  That example is just off the top of my head. 

A group consisting of notable NHL stars who you’d only know if you watch a lot of hockey have filed a lawsuit seeking to recoup their investment and be awarded $15-million in damages.  Those damages, more specifically, consist of their non-invites to parties held by the real-estate developer they invested in.  Before you scoff at parties being worth $15-million, consider that the guest list for these shindigs allegedly included female porn stars, escorts and Roger Clemens, Reggie Jackson, Pete Rose and Joe Morgan.  Say what you want about those guys, but I’d party with any one of them.  I will say listening to Joe Morgan’s creepy robotic laugh while he gets a lap-dance would be emotionally scarring, but it would be worth it for porn stars.  And if you said, ‘which porn stars’, I think you’re missing the point. 

The NHLers money was used to finance not only the parties, but also private jet trips for the developer and the baseball players, plus exorbitant salaries for the developer and his brother-in-law.  The hockey players were told the expenses were to woo potential property owners to the would-be resort, though it seems to have been made clear repeatedly that none of the baseball players would even consider buying anything… except in the case of Clemens.  He was constantly considering steroids… I assume.

Speaking of which, Brian McNamee was hired to be the developer’s fitness trainer.  Now the gang is complete.  Are we sure Jose Canseco didn’t play a part in this?  It just seems like the type of crowd he’d be in with.  Except he never gets invited anywhere. 

It’s good to see the hockey players have finally figured out that the millions of dollars they invested SEVEN YEARS AGO probably should have paid some kind of dividends by now.  Kudos to the developer though.  His plan seems to have been well-thought out and well executed.  Step one, attain investments from athletes who are routinely beaten in the head.  If the NHL players hadn’t taken the bait, I’m betting Roy Jones and Floyd Mayweather would have.  Step two, spend the next 3 to 7 years spending the investment money on buying new friends, like porn stars and baseball players.  You know, people someone would actually recognize and be jealous of you for getting to hang out with them.  Step three, flee to Europe? 

The real victims here are those poor porn stars.  They took money to do a job, but I’m sure they never would have gotten involved if they had known that money had been scammed off of hard working hockey players.  If there’s one phrase that can accurately describe most porn stars, it’s ‘no gag reflex’, but if there’s two, it’s also ‘well-adjusted morality’.

Tags: douchebaggery, Hockey, Joe Morgan, MLB, NHL, Pete Rose, Reggie Jackson, Roger Clemens