Colts Using Revisionist Injury Report

'Nope, that wrap is just for warmth, he's doing backflips as we speak, honest.'

Indianapolis Colts defensive end Dwight Freeney injured an ankle last week in the AFC Championship game and it’s likely going to keep him out of the Super Bowl this Sunday.  Or…

Dwight Freeney suffered a mild ankle bruise last Sunday as the Colts heroically turned back the Jets and captured the AFC title.  The injury is not expected to keep Freeney from starting on Sunday and will make the inevitable Indianapolis victory and will actually make it all the more impressive and courageous.

That second paragraph comes courtesy of the Colts PR machine, which is currently working than ESPN’s when asked about Paul Shirley and Greg Oden’s when asked about ‘the dong’.

According to the Colts, Freeney suffered a low-grade ankle sprain, is receiving treatment and is questionable.  Those who don’t see the world with a tint of blue through horseshoe shaped frames disagree.  ESPN’s Adam Schefter says there’s a torn ligament that will make it difficult, if not impossible, to play.  Also, a ‘person close to’ Freeney, which could mean a friend, team employee or awkward close-talker, says the ankle is “really bad” and it could keep Freeney from playing.  Attempts to obtain more innocuous comments were unsuccessful.

While most of the Indianapolis locker room has kept tight lips about the situation, Peyton Manning nearly let the cat out of the bag.

Dwight is one of our best players, we know that.  But all season long Coach Caldwell has talked about picking up the bayonet. Someone’s got to step up.

At that point, a man dressed in Colts gear cleared his throat and gave Manning the ‘throat slash’ sign, which doubles as the universal sign for shut the hell up.  Manning then continued:

If Dwight were not to be able to go that would be tough, but somebody else will step up and we’ll feel confident in whoever that is.

Just as the proverbial cat was escaping its burlap prison, Indy coach Jim Caldwell showed up to cram it back in.

He’s coming along well, he’s getting better and we’re hoping for the best.

Before you put too much stock in what he or any other Colt says, however, remember that they’re simply spouting the company line, which also says Marvin Harrison is a model citizen and Super Bowl III was rigged.

Tags: Dwight Freeney, football, Indianapolis Colts, Jim Caldwell, NFL, Peyton Manning, Super Bowl

Jay Cutler Thinks He’s Better Than Mannings

This image bootlegged from the future

Maybe he didn’t actually come out and say he was better than Eli and Peyton, but Jay Cutler has absolutely implied it.  By refusing to be in commercials, do extensive interviews, and generally keeping his fat face off Chicago TV screens and magazines, Cutler is saying that you can’t completely focus on football if you’re too busy being a prima donna.

“With all the excitement that’s happened so far, there have been a lot of endorsement opportunities.  But I’ve kind of steered clear of those because I haven’t even stepped on the field yet.  I’m trying to take care of that before I step into that realm.”

See?  It isn’t that he couldn’t be doing commercials right now or anything like that.  There are a lot of places that would love a dorky, fat, diabetic white guy badly reading their pitches and messing up lines in their commercials.  Just like I could absolutely be getting dates right now if I wanted to.  I turn them down even.  I just need to focus on this blog… and my… ..my… um … my porn collection?  Hobbies!

So here’s a couple things you won’t see the vaunted Bears quarterback doing for quite some time.  By choice.  I’m sure Peyton was the backup for these spots, after Mastercard begged and pleaded with Mr. Personality.  I didn’t know that the pancreas produced insulin and a sense of humor.  All I know is that Cutler’s is broken.

Tags: Chicago Bears, Denver Broncos, Eli Manning, football, Jay Cutler, NFL, Peyton Manning

Julio Jones is Building His Resume

Senator Julio would like to know how much this gig pays

Students at the University of Alabama are a crafty bunch.  Through organization and planning that couldn’t have been learned at Alabama, they managed to elect star wide receiver Julio Jones to the student senate despite his lack of a campaign or desire to be in office.  Of course, maybe the voters acted independently of each other and Alabama students just love them some football. 

This will allow some unique gambling opportunities to the students while football rolls through the mundane off-season.  Prop bets like over-under how many meetings Julio attends, over-under percentage of those meetings he falls asleep in, and over-under number of female delegates he sleeps with, will most likely part many students from their meal plans or tuition money. 

A student who currently holds the position of Elections Board Member at UA, and who will no doubt become a major pain in someone’s ass upon graduation, says the senate will welcome Julio.  “There are alot of athletes in Human Environmental Sciences, so hopefully, he can represent this college well.”

Imagine that, athletes are plentiful in a college offering majors in General Studies and Athletic Training.  But what about all those football players going unrepresented in the Engineering and Law colleges? 

Kudos to Julio for accepting the position though.  He had the foresight to understand that NFL scouts and GMs care about more than just what you can do on a football field.  Everyone knows that if Peyton Manning hadn’t been class president for a semester, he never would have been drafted in front of Ryan Leaf.

Tags: Alabama, football, Julio Jones, NCAA, Peyton Manning