Jim Furyk: Hero for the Everyman

The epitome of 'just some dude'.

With all the ‘Tiger making an ass of himself’ that’s been going on in the PGA lately, it’s easy to overlook another story that’s been developing for years, but just recently reached a crescendo.  Jim Furyk, golfer, father, bald guy, making a play to become a Happy Gilmore-esque hero to the blue collar slobs that golf generally bars from their events.

‘No sir, the real question is why are you wearing pants?’

Furyk has a ‘public course on a holiday weekend’ level of ugly in his swing.  Or, if you’re not into golf, his swing is as ugly as a public beach on a holiday weekend.  Yes, American holidays are treated as a license for ugly people to leave their homes, thus confining the rest of us to them.

Furyk also isn’t internationally famous or the spokesperson for every product ever.  He’s never made headlines for banging out an assorted box of skanks, or assorted skanks’ boxes, I forget the correct syntax.  He’s never been number 1 in the world at anything.  He did win a major once, but it was far enough into his career that he couldn’t be considered an up-and-comer and long enough ago that most people have forgotten.  He’s the bland, middle-management type of the PGA.

And he put the cherry on top of the everyman sundae this week when he overslept and was disqualified from a tournament.  His cell phone battery went dead overnight, so his alarm didn’t go off and he missed his tee time.  That’s right, he doesn’t use some extravagant wake-up service or have his agent come to drag him out of his custom made bed.  He uses his cell phone like the rest of us.  And, like the rest of us, he forgets to charge it.  FURYK!  FURYK!  FURYK!

And he couldn’t have picked a better time to make the mistake.  Sure, some ‘golf types’ will argue that this was a terrible time to over-sleep because this event is part of the FedEx playoffs.  But, no true Furyk fans care about that.  Apathy is a desirable characteristic for Furyk fanatics.

No, this is great timing because Tiger’s divorce just became final and people are realizing that he doesn’t live in the real world and he’s very hard to root for.  Furyk, on the other hand, doesn’t have fantasy-like problems like divorcing your Swedish model wife and reaching a hundred-million-dollar settlement.  He has real-world problems like hair-loss and missing his alarm.  He probably also hates doing yardwork, has a wife that tends to nag him and a DVR that sometimes misses the very beginning of shows.

Whenever I’m forced to watch golf from here on out, I’m officially rooting for Jim Furyk.  Unless he starts winning all the time.  That would make him an over-achiever, which I just can’t stomach.

Tags: Golf, Jim Furyk, PGA, Tiger Woods

Daly to Tiger: Stop Stealing My Act

John Daly is the Tiger Woods of grabbing headlines with your insane personal life

I realize that this is the second post I’ve done today about the Tiger Woods car accident.  I also realize that even without my two posts, the Internet has been saturated with people talking about it.  It’s possible that there are now more blog posts on the Internet pertaining to Tiger’s car crash than there are blog posts pertaining to MEGAN FOX NUDE PICTURES.  What’s that Google?  Why yes, I did say MEGAN FOX NUDE PICTURES.  Why?  Is that something that you might be interested in?  Really?  You know some people who might like MEGAN FOX NUDE PICTURES.  Well then.  I can’t really help in that department since her security guards tell me she’s a very private person, but it’s good to know.

Even with the over-exposure of a possibly mundane story, let’s forge ahead.  The AP heard reports that a professional golfer was involved in an auto accident with some strange details over the weekend and before anyone could tell them that it was Tiger Woods who had been hurt, a team of reporters was already on a plane to John Daly.  Upon arriving, they learned of their mistake and one asshole said ’see, that’s what you get when you assume.’  Daly promptly punched that guy in the face but still granted the AP an interview.

Asked about his take on the whole ordeal, Daly is quoted, likely between bites of wings at his local Hooters, as saying:

We need him, probably more than anybody on the tour, to keep things going…

Whatever happened, as long as he’s OK that’s all that matters.

Daly comes off as compassionate and intelligent, but if you read between the lines you’ll realize that his statements are more of a warning to Tiger.  That warning being, ’stop stealing my act.’  Given the opportunity, I think Daly would have liked to say something like this:

I realize they are saying he wasn’t drunk at the time, but ridiculous stories away from the course like this are my territory.  And this was his first attempt at a headline grabbing incident.  He’s a smart guy.  Eventually, he’ll figure out that the inclusion of alcohol doubles the media coverage.  And where does that leave me?  Who is going to root for me when they can get the tabloid exploits and incredible golf skills in the same package?  I downed three fifths of Jack this morning and then went to an Arby’s without my shirt to punch the first woman I could find and there’s no mention of it anywhere.  I can’t decide if I should stop drinking entirely or start drinking heavily.

So there you have it, another Tiger Woods story to throw on the fire.  It may not have been the most informative, but you have to admit that of all the other articles on this topic, this one had the least to do with Tiger Woods.

Tags: Golf, John Daly, PGA, Tiger Woods

Flat Broke and Busted, It’s Friday Again

Tell your friends, 'At least the picture was good'.

I can’t really hide behind an excuse that there’s not anything happening in the sports world today.  Mike Vick signed with the Philadelphia Eagles, at least now theirfans have a legitimate reason to boo.  Shane Victorino filed a report against that Cubs fan that threw beer on him, doesn’t he know in other parts of the world people pay good money to be covered in beer?  Bronson Arroyo is taking an entire GNC store with of vitamins and he argues that taking PEDs is no more dangerous than drinking and driving.  Cubs fans would like to retract their anti-steroids attitude and suggest the team signs Barry Bonds.  Still, with all of these story lines, I’m having trouble finding the energy and inspiration to make an entire post out of any of them.  So instead of a well-thought out semi-lucid 400-word article about one subject, you get a half-assed column about random subjects that goes until I run out of things to say.  Considering that it’s Friday, I think that’s more than you should expect. 

I thought about putting together a fantasy football draft guide with potential busts and sleepers.  Then, I remembered that I’d seen that somewhere before.  Actually, I’ve seen that everywhere before.  Still, it might be coming in the future.  Although I’m still concerned about giving my draft strategy away to the vultures I play against.  Amazing that no one else has figured out the ‘do no research, be slightly buzzed and go with your gut’ drafting technique yet. 

I also considered giving you a college football preview, but worried that I’d get carried away talking about Tim Tebow.  His eyes cure cancer, you know.  Plus, I don’t have a joke about every team in the top 10.  After Florida, Oklahoma, Texas and USC, I have to start reaching for things.  Like making fun of Houston Nutt’s name… I paid a hooker $50 for a Houston nut in Vegas once… I want my money back.  Yeah, that might still work. 

Did you know Southeast Missouri State’s basketball programs, men’s and women’s, were busted by the NCAA for some major infractions?  Their men’s team has to forfeit wins from 2006-2008.  Losing those 7 victories is really going to hurt.  One of their violations involved an assistant coach giving a player a ride to an airport so he could fly home to see the birth of his child.  That’s good news for Rick Pitino, the NCAA is clearly pro-choice. 

Tiger Woods led the PGA Championship by a stroke after the first round.  I’m guessing he’ll be average or worse today, take a two shot lead into Sunday and cruise to victory.  Who says golf isn’t exciting?  It’s the only sport, outside of tennis, where you can accurately predict the outcome of events with only a casual knowledge of the game.  I’m also predicting John Daly will miss the cut…damn I’m amazing. 

Joe Paterno addressed the media yesterday and stated simply, “I’ll be honest with you: We’re Lousy.  I have nothing to be excited about right now.”  That’s a rather shocking statement.  An NCAA coach being honest with the media.  Don’t that beat all?  Meanwhile, Urban Meyer is sticking with his story that he’d never take a job at Notre Dame.  Paterno shouldn’t be so hard on his team, though.  He does have something to be excited about, he plays in the Big 10. 

The other day, some PR douche sent me an email with a subject: “Chicks AND Wrestling”.  He told me that he had noticed my “fascination with women and sports” and then told me how great my “honest commentary” was.  OK, fine, I’m listening as long as you cup the ball while you’re down there.  But then, he lost me faster than if he had started using way too much teeth.  “I was curious to know if you have had a chance to check out WWE Superstars?”  You know, I haven’t.  I was under the impression that my DVR would become self-aware and strangle me with its power cord if I even tried to record it.  It’s OK though, because I have seen a group of rednecks, girls with fake tits and terrible acting before.  I’ll just combine it all in my mind and get the same result.  Strange how I keep imagining those three things, then an equals sign and then a picture of dog shit. 

Gina Carano finally fights this weekend against that ‘Cyborg’ woman in a Strikeforce bout.  This event has been getting more hype than I thought possible for something involving two women.  Actually, that’s not true, we just haven’t seen the Alba-Fox sextape hype get ramped up yet.  Uh-oh, that’s how rumors get started.  If this fight isn’t rigged, the people running Strikeforce are some of the worst business people in the universe.  Carano is the biggest star in the sport and guys volunteer to have her kick their ass.  On the other hand, Cyborg looks like the love child of that manish female wrestler Chyna and Ivan Drago. 

This just in, I don’t care what happens to Michael Phelps when he’s not in the pool.  I guess if he had crashed his Cadillac into a pool, it would’ve created a gray area, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

That’s really all I’ve got.  Actually, I probably should’ve folded a few paragraphs ago, but what can you do.  I could tell you about Chase Utley’s wife protesting against the Eagles signing Mike Vick, but other than some joke about the hot ones always being crazy, I’m at a loss.  Enjoy your weekend and I hope to see you back here on Monday when you might just find a well-crafted story about a timely event in the sports world.  Or at least some better jokes about genitals and intolerance.

Tags: douchebaggery, Gina Carano, Joe Paterno, Michael Vick, NCAA, NFL, Penn State, PGA, Tiger Woods

Oh No! Not Water! We Can’t Play Wet!

Now imagine Ben Roethlisberger having an umbrella held for him during a time out.

While stuck at a meaningless job that is no doubt at the bottom of my alcoholism, I decided to check out what was going on in the sporting world today.  I had forgotten today was a day filled with soccer and golf.  So much for reading anything about sports.

But then came the pictures of that bad ol’ rain ruining the day at Bethpage, and like the Grinch I smiled.  In spite of myself. 

Yes, the fantastic thing about golf is that the weather routinely has the ability to be the most exciting part of any event.  Was lightning even the culprit today, or did they just call it because the country club, silver-spooned, trust-fund douche-tubes are too good to stand in a little rain? 

Considering how quickly they just decided to put off play until tomorrow, I have my suspicions.  What the hell does it matter if the grass is wet?  It’s not like they’re running, sliding, tackling or even jogging on it.  They don’t even walk quickly.  I understand why tennis, track and baseball can be called due to rain.  The chance of injuries is far too high for the level of play required in all of those.  I think being poked in the eye by an umbrella is the biggest weather-related risk in golf. 

It’s increasingly hard to respect golf as anything more than a recreational activity for the predominently white and wealthy.  This aversion to rain for the sake of comfort isn’t helping golf’s case for “legitimate sport” status.

Tags: Golf, PGA, Tiger Woods, U.S. Open

PGA Tour Sighs, Invites Obama to Presidents Cup

Sadly, Tiger Was the Only One Who'd Dance With The President

The PGA Tour announced today that, due to the nature of the event, they were forced to extend an invitation to Barack Obama to the Presidents Cup.  Through a toothy forced smile, PGA commissioner Tim Finchem muttered his excitement.

“We are honored that President Obama has accepted our invitation to be honorary chairman.  His involvement will not only further enhance the stature of the Presidents Cup, but also that of golf on a global basis.” 

Seething with rage, he later grumbled something that sounded like “Because that’s just what the fuck we need, more minorities on our golf courses…”

Maybe that isn’t exactly how it happened, but I’m pretty sure that it is.  Seeing as how Obama fits in with trust-fund-baby-country-club-members only slightly better than he would the infield at a NASCAR event, here are some things he can expect to hear come October.

“Oh look dear, another colored man.”

“Mr. Woods, can I have your autograph?”

“This used to be a nice establishment.”

“Excuse me boy, I’ll have a Crown and Diet.”

“Don’t steal anything.”

“That must be Vijay Singh’s caddy.”

“Security!”

Tags: Barack Obama, douchebaggery, Golf, PGA