Champagne Goggles Ruin Fun?

This reminds me. I need porn goggles.

The AP ran some sandy-vag story today about Champagne goggles in the club house.  In this story they talk to the likes of high school history teachers and people who put “Fenway” in their daughter’s name.  These people  experts whine about goggles ruining the spontaneity of a celebration following a giant victory. 

Yeah, it’s the goggles that did it.  They ruined the big surprise.  Not the 80+ years of the exact same celebratory tradition in baseball.  No, no.  It’s the goggles.  Had these people not seen players don the eye-protection, they might have expected a rousing game of clubhouse scrabble to commemorate a victory.  Following that logic, these same people should be pissed when the players come to the plate with batting helmets on. 

“Hold on a second…!  Is he going to bat?  Aww! Way to ruin the surprise dick head!!”

Personally, I like the goggles.  Some doctor in the stupid story I referenced talked about how the alcohol content in Champagne can damage the eye.  I don’t give a damn about that, of course.  I wasn’t invited, so they’re not my eyes.  I just like anyone who prepares for a party that could cause bodily harm. 

Like if your girlfriend came out of the room wearing lingerie and goggles.  If the get-up doesn’t get you moreexcited, you’re probably dating the wrong gender.  If seeing players sporting Champagne goggles makes you angry, you’re probably a douchebag who should stick to watching shows on MTV.

Tags: baseball, drunk, MLB, New York Yankees, Philadelphia Phillies, World Series

Now It’s Official Philly Fans

I can’t even pretend that I can improve on this segment from The Daily Show, so rather than making my own jokes about who has the douchiest fans, Philadelphia or New York, I’ll use this space to tell you how much trouble I had posting this video. 

I mean, I won’t really tell you much about that either because I’m sure it’s really boring and would make me sound kind of like a nerd trying to explain all the computer-type things I don’t really understand.  What I will tell you is that I’m almost positive now that my computer doesn’t have a voice command feature attached to it because I told it to go f*ck itself like five times, and as far as I can tell, it hasn’t even taken its computer junk out yet. 

Bootlegged from Big League Stew

Tags: MLB, New York Giants, New York Yankees, NFL, Philadelphia Eagles, Philadelphia Phillies, World Series

Even The Umpires Missed A Good Game

To everyone but MLB umpires, this image is of an out

If an umpire blows a call, but no one is awake to see it, is it really a blown call?  That is the sentiment I’m pondering today as folks around the nation are bitching about another questionable outright blown call in the MLB playoffs.  This time, it happened as the Rockies and Phillies battled at Coors Field on a night too cold for baseball and a start time too late for everyone.  You might say the blown call was playing the game on Sunday night at 8pm local time, but you might more accurately say it was Chase Utley being awarded a single in the top of the ninth.

Admittedly, this is all second-hand information because I didn’t see a second of this game live.  There was football to be had, and when Peyton Manning had asserted his dominance 10-minutes into that game, there was sleep to be had.  Meanwhile, the Rockies were playing for their post-season lives while I’m sure someone somewhere watched with interest.  Clearly, the umpires weren’t among those interested spectators as they blew a vital call in the ninth.  Apparently, they felt it was enough that they braved the elements all game long.  Getting calls correct will cost you extra, Bud.

Head over to Big League Stew if you’d like to see a frame-by-frame breakdown of the play.  I guess the guys over there don’t enjoy the sight of the back of their own eyelids quite as much as the rest of us.  They point out that not only did Todd Helton keep his foot on first base to get the force out, but also the ball hit Utley on his way out of the batter’s box, which should have caused the play to be dead right there.  I’m occasionally a forgiving person, so I realize to err is human.  But I’m learning that to err often and repeatedly is umpire.

And while many people whose love for baseball is second only to their love of a decent night’s sleep skipped the game last night to dream of a world where baseball games don’t start after 7pm local time and the temperature is never below 50-degrees, the umpires took the opportunity to dream of a similar world while the game was being played in front of them.  And while they dreamed of a place where every batted ball stayed at least 10-feet from the foul line, they seemed to miss as much of the game as you and I.

Tags: baseball, Chase Utley, Colorado Rockies, MLB, Philadelphia Phillies, playoffs

Tee-Hee Sex Joke Tee-Hee

I haven’t stumbled across any ‘must-report’ type of news yet today, so in the meantime please transport yourself back to 8th grade and laugh at Gary Matthews broadcasting for the Phillies.  Matthews is a former player and father of current outfielder Gary Matthews Jr… wait can that be right?  We’ll have to double check on that. 

This may not paint me in the right light, but anytime someone on national TV can combine the phrases ‘jerk off the ball’ and ‘jam the guy’ and ‘if it comes it comes’ into one glorious sentence, I’m laughing.  If you don’t find such things funny, you must have hit some level of maturity that I don’t even want to know about.  What, do you think kids are cute and marriage is a sacred bond too?

Bootlegged from Awful Announcing and HHR

Tags: baseball, Gary Matthews, MLB, Philadelphia Phillies

Time For a Baseball Blow Up

Happy George Brett Day

We’ve come to that time in baseball.  The part of the season embedded deeply in the dog crotch of summer, when the stress of the game becomes too much for some players to handle.  It’s this time of year when the contenders are truly separated from the losers, when trades tear apart club houses.  When temperatures have leveled off in the 90s or above throughout most of the country raising the blood pressure readings and lowering the patience of umpires, players, managers and fans alike.  Yes, it’s time to once again welcome George Brett season with open arms.

Here are some possible candidates to watch for blow-ups in the near future”

Anyone on the Pittsburgh Pirates

A team that was still very much in contention to win the NL Central before trading away Nate McClouth and Adam LaRoche   The team took it pretty hard after McClouth left, now with LaRoche gone and rumors of a pending Freddy Sanchez trade, look for some of the poor bastards left in Pitt to beat a small child with batting helmet during the 7th inning stretch of some game.

Jimmy Rollins

Batting just .238 with an OBP of .293, Rollins has secured himself as my worst fantasy pick of all time.  And I drafted Josh Fields.  It’s tough on good players when their numbers slide just a little bit, so this epic collapse has to be stinging Rollins like a jelly-fish scrotal massage.  Add that with the pressure of playing in Philly on a team that’s only one game over .500 at home, and he’s going to be hearing quite a few suggestions with what he ought to do to his mother with that bat.  Rollins is a pretty level-headed guy, but Philly can take it out of anyone.

Hanley Ramirez

Yeah, he’s having a great year again after a slow start, but there’s more than just personal sucking to account for.  His team has hit the skids, falling 6.5 games behind beefed-up Philly, and he has to play in an empty football stadium for half his games.  Factor in the Florida heat and humidity with the knowledge that almost every shortstop he plays against is making multiple times the amount of money that he is, while putting up far inferior stats.  The slim chance of getting traded is all but gone for another year, and the anger sharks are swarming.

Milton Bradley

How can you make this list and not have Milton on it?  He’s batting under .200 against Right handed pitchers, he’s become the Chicago-wide scape goat for the Cubs disappointing season, and he is publicly disliked by his manager, who has anger issues of his own.  All that alone makes him a prime candidate for a breakdown, but then you get the added bonus of remembering that he’s a World Class ass hole.  Maybe the biggest ass hole in baseball this year.  He must be getting booed more than any other player in MLB right now, seeing as how he gets it on the road almost as bad as he does at Wrigley.  If I’m putting money down, I’m putting it all on Milton.  Hell, he got tossed in the home opener this year. 

Bud Black

His team is 24.5 out of first place, and are sporting a record better only than that of the Washington Nationals.  The Padres saw their playoff aspirations evaporate with injuries to Jake Peavy and Chris Young, and then witnessed God laughing at them as three more starters went down in July alone.  Only two players on his team have not seen time in the minor leagues this year, and the franchise is doing a massive re-organization.  He also has to wear a camo jersey that is bad enough to channel shades of 1980s Astros once a week.  If he doesn’t shit his pants during an argument with an ump this year then I’ll lose any and all respect for him.

Tags: Adam LaRoche, baseball, Bud Black, Chicago Cubs, Florida Marlins, Freddy Sanchez, George Brett, Hanley Ramirez, Jimmy Rollins, Milton Bradley, MLB, Nate McLouth, Philadelphia Phillies, Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres