Spectator Makes Rally Car The Butt of His Joke

First, let me apologize for the regrettable pun in the headline.  But, when you’re dealing with a mooning victim I think you have to throw conventional standards out the window and get as stupid and asinine as possible.  Yup, asinine.  I said it.

If you’d like to know the context of the video presented here, you can follow the link I provided at the bottom of this post.  If you, like me, are really only interested in seeing a guy crash because a spectator flashed him his rump and then cursed about it on the radio, then we should really go get a drink sometime and then see where it goes.

I’ve always had a heap of respect for these Rally racers because of the way they careen around a course, but I never would’ve guessed a driver would be capable of the things the man in the video is capable of.  As he’s crashing, he’s calling the mooner a “c*nt”.  Wait, should I spell out ‘c*nt’?  Would that be acceptable?  I guess not…our editor is a real c*nt.

Now I’m sure if you were in the midst of rolling your auto, you might be thinking that the party that caused that action was a ‘c*nt’, but you certainly wouldn’t be in control of your faculties enough to vocalize that thought.  Well, maybe, but not nearly as clearly as this guy.

He said: “Ah for f*ck’s sake…that c*nt with his ass out.”

You would say: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHC*NTAHHHH”.

There’s a subtle difference.

I would like to trod in the footsteps of some better bigger bigger and better sites and ask that if you know the ass that appears in this video, please put Bootlegger Sports in contact with him.  I would like to do that but I know that would be a fruitless endeavor.  Why?  Because I already know my mom doesn’t know this guy.  Does she?  Dear God…

Bootlegged from Deadspin

Tags: douchebaggery, racing

Know How I Know NASCAR Isn’t A Sport?

I wanted to post a picture of NASCAR fans, but didn't want to ugly up the page

Hillbillies, rednecks, hill people and southerners unite!  Now is the time to stream out of your huts, shacks, lean-to’s and trailers and let the hate pour from your tobacco stained mouths.  This man is telling you that NASCAR is not a sport and drivers aren’t athletes.  How dare he?  Doesn’t he know that drivers lose like 120-pounds every race, except for Tony Stewart who inexplicably gains 20lbs?  Can’t he see the precision these men maneuver with at 200mph?  They almost never crash…all the time.  Won’t he admit that drivers win consistently, not because they have the best car, but because they are the best driver…with the best car…and not necessarily the best driver?

Even if I were to concede those points to you people of the land, I would still have one serious nail in the ‘NASCAR is a sport’ theory’s coffin.  NASCAR drivers, who are supposedly the greatest drivers the world has ever seen, can’t even begin to compete at a high level while drunk.  Know how I know?  AJ Allmendinger, an alleged NASCAR driver, ‘alleged’ because I’ve never heard of him, was arrested this morning on a charge of drunken driving.

Allmendinger was pulled over by police, which doesn’t necessarily mean his driving was erratic and he was visibly inebriated, but it probably means that.  He then failed a field sobriety test, which is basically an athletic test, so there’s another strike for NASCAR.  Michael Vick passes field sobriety tests for fun.  When he’s tanked in the backseat and his friend gets pulled over, Vick switches places with him so he can take the sobriety test.  When they tell him to stand on one foot and count backwards from 100, Mike does a back-flip and raps Gin and Juice backwards.

The kicker for Allmendinger is that he wasn’t even that drunk.  He wasn’t coming from a three-day bender that ended with an attempt to drink the Irish Shot-Taking Team under the table.  He was coming from a casual dinner where he had ‘a couple of drinks’ with his dinner.  As any cop will inform you, when someone tells you they’ve ‘only had a couple of drinks’, it’s time to get the breathealyzer ready.  Still, the fact that he just ate means he couldn’t have been that drunk.  And he still couldn’t drive well enough to keep from being pulled over.  And he drives for a living.  That’s just plain embarrassing.  He probably thinks he’s doing himself and his image a favor by saying he wasn’t really drunk, but rather was just barely over the legal limit, but I think he’d be more in demand if he said he was about a .35 BAC and was doing 145 when the police caught him.

Some of you might be saying that no athlete would be able to compete at a high level while inebriated, but let me tell you who disagrees.  David Wells was drunk when he pitched a perfect game.  Not only did he do his job, but he did it better than 99-percent of everyone else who has ever done it.  Most of the NBA was on coke for years.  I know coke-heads dunking on coke-heads isn’t amazingly impressive, but they can still dunk.  Plus, coke-head ball is way more entertaining than NASCAR.  Andre Agassi spent a year of his career on crystal-meth.  Sure, he dropped to 141 in the world rankings, but being one of the best 150 tennis players in the world while tweaked is pretty damn good.  Judging by Allmendinger’s lack of success, I doubt any NASCAR driver would be able to do that well while blitzed.

Of course, Jeremy Mayfield allegedly drove in NASCAR and did meth.  How can I explain that?  I can’t, but when your best argument contains the fact that someone from your organization is a chronic user of methamphetamines, I’d say you’ve lost the war.

Tags: AJ Allmendinger, NASCAR, racing

24 Beers, Australian For Sobriety

This was last year, before Australia turned into Communist Russia

Everything I know about Australia I learned from Crocodile Dundee, Fosters commercials and that one episode of The Simpsons.  With that in mind, I bring you the following post.

I know a guy who went to a NASCAR race recently.  I know, it’s a great story…compelling and rich.  Before I had a chance to rip on him for going to a NASCAR race, he told me that they let you bring in your own cooler and get pissed on the cheap, as opposed to paying $8 for a beer like at NFL games.  Naturally, I was intrigued.  Obviously, not enough to want to go to a NASCAR race myself, but intrigued none the less.  Like, enough to buy a cooler.

Australia doesn’t have NASCAR, which gives it a leg up over the U.S. in the ‘Greatest Nation in the World’ competition.  They also have kangaroos.  Your move, America.

What the Aussie’s do have is the Bathurst 1000, a 1-thousand kilometer car race that tests a man’s will and mettle and brawn.  I’m not referring to the drivers, but rather the fans.  See, Bathurst is like a day of Oktoberfest without the Chicken Dancing and Bratwurst.  What is Oktoberfest without those things?  Full of booze.

The Bathurst 1000 has been called a pilgramage for Australian race fans and naturally most of them enjoy the event because of how drunk they can get.  It’s kind of like how there’s not that many real baseball fans, but there are a lot of people who don’t hate baseball and enjoy drinking outside on a summer day.

This year, the Aussie race fans will have to limit themselves to only one ’slab’ of brews, which equates to 24 cans.  24 cans?!?!  How the hell is anyone expected to enjoy a car race carrying only the slight buzz produced by 24 cans of beer?

Australia’s fore-fathers would be so ashamed.  If they had been limited to 24 beers per day, do you think they would have come up with ‘booting’ as a punishment?  I think not.  Do you think the man who invented the didgeridoo could have done so while operating in the relative sobriety of just 24 beers?  No chance.  Could Australian citizens brave the terrors of the Outback and wrestle alligators if they were constantly without the confidence afforded by drinking more than 24 beers?  Of course not.

Naturally, experts are expecting the 2009 edition of the Bathurst 1000 to be the lamest ever and condom sales in the area are expected to hit an all-time low.  Being only 24 beers up as the day draws to a close doesn’t breed as many terrible stupid awful questionable decisions as one might like.  You might only make-out with the fat girl with the lazy eye, not take her home and pass-out on top of her and a puddle of your own puke.  You might only verbally assault a policeman, as opposed to verbally and physically assaulting a group of policemen while your pants are off.  And, if you’re a friend of mine, you might only go to piss in the woods, fall down and hit your head on a tree rendering yourself unconscious, piss yourself and wake up surrounded by strangers one time, as opposed to multiple times.  What I’m saying is, good luck trying to have fun with only 24 beers per day.

Bootlegged from F-Listed

Tags: Australia, beer, douchebaggery, racing

NASCAR Managed To Get Worse

Now someone wearing this jacket would just look stupid

It appears that booze and NASCAR no longer go together like rednecks and, uh, NASCAR.  Jim Beam and Jack Daniels are backing out of their sponsorships of racing teams just like thousands of people have backed out of strangers’ apartments after using too much of their products.  So that pretty much just leaves hardware stores and boner pills in the NASCAR sponsorship game, also known as the only two things hillbillies NASCAR fans are more fond of than hard-liquor.

The real reason I picked-up this story is that, as I understand it, booze had a big hand in the creation of stock car racing.  Bootleggers had to outrun the police, so they had sweet cars and that naturally evolved into racing.  I learned all of that from Talladega Nights of course.  I’m assuming it’s also true that Leslie Bibb loves to show her tits and that Applebee’s is a quality restaurant.

If what are essentially the founding fathers of NASCAR are willing to abandon the thing (note I didn’t call it a sport), can’t we safely assume that anything is now possible in relation to NASCAR?  If liquor companies are willing to bolt, would it that much of a stretch to think the countrified fans might one day tire of this exhibition?  Wishful thinking says yes, but logic is telling me no.

What I know about rednecks is that they latch on to terrible things and never let go:  trailer parks, cut off jeans, mullets, Larry the Cable Guy and NASCAR.  Even if 50-year-old guys start winning races and NASCAR becomes a complete joke, the bumpkins are likely to stick around.

Unfortunately, with the loss of alcohol sponsors, NASCAR seems farther away than ever from being something I could be interested in.  Everyone knows that driving is no real challenge, but driving while drunk, that’s a sport.

Tags: NASCAR, racing

Car Racing Just Got Sexified

It feels strange doing a positive post about car racing.  As far as I know, there’s no arrests or drug use in the backstory here at all.  But there is some hot fire extinguisher bukkake, if you’re in to that sort of thing.  No?  Just me then?  I guess I’ll just be enjoying fireextinguisherfacials.com all by myself then.  As God intended.

I can’t tell you much about this video except that the driver shown is Jonathan Adam and he’s in a BMW.  Some people might think that a major malfunction like this on television would be a hindrance to the BMW marketing department, but they should be able to spin it easily enough.  Imagine the spike in sales when husbands start buying their wives a beamer because it’s guaranteed to come with a money shot.  ’I didn’t used to have to pay for it,’ the embittered men will say as they sign for a 2-year lease and wonder how they can get their wife to keep her mouth open.

I can also tell you that British announcers do a lot for the credibility of the sport they are calling.  NASCAR would seem more classy and sporting if the play-by-play man took a mid-race break for tea.  It would add a certain ambiance to even the most hillbilly of events, like truck rallies.  ’I say, it seems Truck-a-saurus has devoured that old junker whole.  Tally-ho, old chap.  I dare say this is the greatest spectacle ever seen in Biloxi.

Bootlegged from From The Marbles

Tags: BMW, racing