Breaking News: No News

'I won't tell anyone our fingers touched if you don't'

Before the college football season started, the media couldn’t stop talking about Tim Tebow and Sam Bradford coming back to school and possibly leading their teams to a national title.  Oh and there was a little something in there about Colt McCoy also.  I think he plays at Texas but he doesn’t have a Heisman Trophy so why would I waste my time memorizing information about him?  In other news, Tim Tebow was born in the Philippines on August 14th, 1987 and his middle name is Richard.  His friends call him Tim.  I call him Dick.

Now that we are a full month into the season, plenty has changed.  Of course I don’t mean people have stopped talking about Tebow and Bradford.  I mean, people are talking about Tebow and Bradford being injured.  I know, I was as surprised as you that Timothy could get injured.  But, I guess he accepted that possibility when he agreed to let God send him to Earth to become man.

Bradford injured his throwing shoulder in Oklahoma’s first week loss to BYU and is trying to make it back in time for the Sooners’ meeting with Miami.  And this just in, he might just get to play.  Or maybe he won’t.  OU head coach Bob Stoops broke the news to reporters today that he doesn’t know when Bradford will be ready to play.  He then shone some light on other issues by saying he doesn’t know if there’s an after-life and he doesn’t know if there’s intelligent life on another planet.

As for Tebow, he suffered a concussion in Florida’s road win over Kentucky this past weekend.  Urban Meyer would like you to know that Tim suffered a concussion.  Well, that’s helpful.  What everyone wants to know, however, is whether Tebow will be ready for the Gators’ trip to LSU in two weeks.  That’s a question Meyer isn’t addressing.  That along with questions regarding his sexual history, credit history and what he’s having for dinner tonight.  Your guess is as good as mine as to why he’s being so coy about the last one.

The conclusion you can draw from these stories is that if you want news about college football, too damn bad.  Nobody wants to tell you anything you didn’t already know.  Joe Paterno on questions about Penn State’s loss to Iowa: ‘we lost.’  Steve Sarkisian’s response to his team’s let-down against Stanford: ‘I used to work with Pete Carroll.’  Randy Shannon’s statement after Miami’s loss to Virginia Tech: ‘Our school colors are orange, green and white.’

At least in the NFL, Chris Mortensen will lie to you to make it seem like there’s breaking news.

Tags: Bob Stoops, Florida, football, NCAA, Oklahoma, Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow, Urban Meyer

Mike Leach Makes the O’Brien Watch List

These guys know the reason they win games

Today, thirty-three men were named to the Davey O’Brien National Quarterback Award watch list, the award that goes to the nations best QB.  The Big 12 claims the honor of putting the most names in the list, with six.  Interestingly, five of these come from the South division of the conference, leaving Texas A&M’s Jerrod Johnson much like the fat kid in dodge ball, singled out for his unique suckiness.

What’s really interesting about this list is the inclusion of Texas Tech Junior QB Taylor Potts, who has never started a game, and has only thrown 85 passes.  And of course all of those came at the end of blow outs.  So how did his name make this list, one might ask, had one not read the headline or looked at the picture.

Yes, it’s clear that the committee probably just pulled an EA Sports NCAA 2010 and put Texas Tech QB #15 on that list.  Sadly for the Red Raider faithful, this pattern seems to play out every year since the arrival of the Mad Scientist to the West Texas plains.  Early feigned respect followed by a quick dismissal as a “system quarterback”.

With Mike Leach at the helm in Lubbock, Tech quarterbacks will always get the attention that the mildly attractive girl in a group of hot chicks at a party gets.  All the guys will be really nice up front and give her lots of attention, engage her in some conversation and pay her some pretty nice compliments.

That is until the much sexier friend starts to dance and then it’s so long lame-o and hello hot stuff, did you see how nice I was to that friend of yours, Taylor?  Yeah, she’s cute I guess, but I think it’s that outfit that makes her look so pretty.  You think so too?  That’s awesome.  Yeah, I’m a really sweet guy.  You say your name’s Sam?  That’s so cute, what do you have going on December 10th?

Tags: Big 12, College Football, Davey O'Brien Award, Mike Leach, NCAA, Sam Bradford, Texas Tech

Breaking Colt McCoy’s Leg No Longer Viable Option

She's insured in case of jersey chasers

News broke this weekend that several marquee college football players have taken out large insurance policiesto protect them in case of a career-ending injury.  This seems to have befuddled most of the insiders involved with the NCAA as they have known about the practice for years, but one ESPN blogger just published a story about it, so here we are.  Colt McCoy will get paid between $3 and $5 million if his an injury jeopardizes his pro career.  Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow reportedly have similar policies.  Meanwhile, Graham Harrell is wondering why he didn’t throw himself down a flight of stairs when he had the chance. 

The elite QBs in the nation aren’t the only ones who would do well to cover themselves with insurance, however.  There must be dozens of players and coaches who should think about taking out a new policy for that worst case scenario.  Here are a few of them:

Tyrod Taylor- It appears the Virginia Tech signal caller has taken over the starting job for good, but let’s all keep in mind what it means to be a Hokie QB.  Mr. Taylor may want to safeguard against any incidents involving a gun in a McDonald’s parking lot or any illegal activity with dogs, or animals of any kind to be safe.  That kind of stupidity may be limited to the Vick family, but if I were Tyrod, I wouldn’t be taking any chances.

Charlie Weis- Though he might want to avoide any insurer who requires a physical before granting a life insurance policy, Notre Dame’s coach should probably look into providing for his family after his demise.  Should he fail to make a BCS game this season, Touchdown Jesus and his crew will take swift and fatal action.

Any Florida State player- The Seminoles should be desperately searching for a policy that will cover them in case of ludicrous arrest.  The premium may be insanely high considering the chances the insurance company will have to pay out are better than the chances that Bobby Bowden craps his pants in the next 6 months (and that’s nearly a lock).  But, it would be worth it.   

Arrelious Benn- Illinois’ talented receiver has but one problem, he plays for Illinois.  His policy should cover the likely scenario of him dropping in next year’s NFL Draft due to lack of exposure and poor QB play in Champagne.  Maybe his policy could pay him a couple million dollars and another superfluous consonant for his name. 

Eric Berry- Some people are pegging Tennessee’s safety as a dark horse for the Heisman Trophy (I know, just try to stifle your laughter).  His problem is similar to Benn’s, but instead of a sub-par team around him (he has that, it’s just not his main concern), Berry has to deal with a wild-eyed young coach named Lane Kiffin.  If Eric hasn’t already taken out a policy covering him in case he’s sent on a suicide bombing mission to Florida’s sideline, he’s crazier than his head coach. 

Every NCAA Player with NFL aspirations- Whether it’s a first round lock or a second day guy, there’s an insurance policy that every NCAA football player should look into before leaving school.  I would urge them to secure some coverage in case they are drafted by the Raiders.  Darren McFadden, JaMarcus Russell and Darrius Heyward-Bey are kicking themselves right now for forgetting to take that precaution.  It’s a complicated policy because the loss of income isn’t apparent right away, but the inevitable loss of production and work ethic leads to a decrease in market value.  NCAA schools might want to look into the opposite policy, which is insurance in case of hiring a former Raiders employee.  Nebraska would be in a much better way right now if they’d gone that route and the Vols may soon be wishing they had too.

Tags: Arrelious Benn, Charlie Weis, Colt McCoy, Eric Berry, Florida State, football, NCAA, Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow, Tyrod Taylor

Tim Tebow for Heisman

Doesn't his handwriting look like Mack Brown's?

Bootlegger Sports crack research department has done it again.  We’ve managed to unearth Tim Tebow’s Heisman Ballot, but we don’t have all the answers.  Such as, why did Tebow leave his 3rd choice blank?  Was he waiting for a divine miracle to fill it in for him?  Does he believe that 3, as half of 6, is a tool of the devil?  Or did one of the legions of fine ass Tebow chasers distract him just long enough to make him miss it? 

Whatever the answer, he probably could’ve used that extra number one vote to edge Sam Bradford.

Tags: Florida, Heisman, NCAA, Oklahoma, Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow

Colt McCoy is The Deer Hunter

Texas quarterback Colt McCoy got overlooked a lot this season.  Graham Harrell stole his thunder when the Longhorns fell to Texas Tech on the final play, and Sam Bradford of Oklahoma stole his Heisman.  But this deer, well no longer will Colt have to suffer this deer’s insolence. 

Reportedly, the deer was running a blog called “The Real McCoy” where he published embarrassing stories and pictures from the UT star’s youth.  The final straw was when a picture of his first time on a big boy potty showed up on the website.  That’s when it was time for some vigilante justice.  McCoy put in a call to Chuck Norris, but the Texas Ranger was busy campaigning for McCain (everyone was afraid to tell him), so Colt picked up his rifle and remarked “This ends now!” 

Witnesses say the deer was shopping for groceries, frustrating other customers by checking out in the express lane with well over 10 items, when the QB found him.  “The buck stops here” yelled McCoy, and after firing, reloading, firing again, reloading again, and firing once more, the mighty deer blogger fell. 

“Let’s see Sam Bradford do this!” Colt exclaimed as he loaded the carcass into his pick-up, unaware that at that very moment, the Heisman winner was breaking the neck of the world’s richest, most powerful bear.

Tags: Colt McCoy, football, Graham Harrell, Heisman, NCAA, Oklahoma, Sam Bradford, Texas, Texas Tech