Antonio Cromartie Shows Off Arm, is Arrested

That's bottle-flingin' muscle right there

The San Diego Chargers rolled over the Denver Broncos yesterday and Pro Bowl cornerback Antonio Cromartie and his teammates were in the mood to celebrate the victory.  After returning to Southern California, Cromartie went to the club with two other Chargers.  Everything was fine until Cromartie decided to back up all of his claims that he could be a better quarterback than Phillip Rivers.  In hindsight, choosing the closest football shaped object, a champagne bottle, and allegedly saying, ‘pick any dude in here and I’ll hit him between the eyes,’ were not the best of choices.* But, to Cromartie’s credit, he did nail the guy perfectly in stride.  The QB’s job is just to get the ball there, he can’t catch it for his receivers.  Maybe Rivers will have some competition in mini-camp next year…assuming Cromartie is out of prison by then.

At least one eye-witness immediately stepped forward to tell authorities that Cromartie threw the bottle, but the Charger’s agent, sensing a drop in salary, stepped forward to assure everyone how ridiculous this story was.

This is absolutely not a story.  Antonio didn’t throw the bottle.  There were actually three other players involved.  Antonio is at a complex working out.  Again, this is not a story.

Those Jedi mind tricks won’t be working on me, friend.  Not because I’m too clever to not be fooled when you wave your hand and claim that everything I’ve learned and witnessed to now is false, but because Antonio Cromartie was not clever enough to go along with the story.  He told authorities the bottle “slipped out of his hand.”  In response, the agent replied, ‘F*ck.’

Ah, the old ’slipped out of my hand’ excuse.  ’You see, officer, I had just applied a liberal amount of hand cream and was asked to dispose of an empty champagne bottle.  Naturally, I looked for the closest recepticle, but found that it was across a crowded room.  I believed my best chance to get said bottle to said recepticle was to throw it over the other patrons heads, but my greasy hands prevented me from accomplishing this fairly simple maneuver… also it was completely someone else’s fault… and that guy was asking for it.’  If Cromartie can continue blaming his mistakes on someone else and pretending like he didn’t do anything wrong, he might just have what it takes to be a quarterback in this league.

* by allegedly, I mean it may or may not have happened.*

* by may or may not have, I mean it almost definitely didn’t happen*

* Please don’t sue me, Antonio

Tags: Antonio Cromartie, football, NFL, San Diego Chargers

Shawne Merriman, Alleged Hero

This is how people look after spending 5-minutes with Tila Tequila

When we’re kids, every professional athlete is like a superhero.  We look up to them and treat every home run, touchdown or dunk as if it’s a life-changing event.  Then, we get older, we get jaded and those superheroes aren’t quite as impressive as they once were.  We start to notice their flaws and their similarities to normal, everyday people.  It’s depressing to think about it, but it makes it that much better when an athlete comes through in a big way and, at least for a moment, restores his superhero status.  That’s what happened this weekend when I heard about Shawn Merriman’s amazing adventures.

The story that broke Sunday suggests Chargers star, Merriman, strangled and restrained MTV personality Tila Tequila when she attempted to leave his home.  I can’t even begin to tell you how impressed I am with this story.  I just want to print it out and roll around in its incredibleness.  I’ve already hired a lawyer to find out the legality of having a common law marriage with a news story.

Tequila has had at least two shows on MTV, so even if you don’t really know who she is, that should be a dead give away that America would be better off with her dead, or given away.  Merriman, being the saintly fellow that he is, allegedly tried to oblige.  The strangling is one thing.  I mean, if you took a poll of people who would strangle Tila Tequila if given the chance, I’m guessing it would be more lopsided than a poll of Republicans about socialized health care.  If Merriman actually choked a bitch, he was simply living out the fantasy of millions.  The restraining part of the story is much more heroic.  I can only assume that Tila Tequila got her last name because, like the liquor, she’s kind of fun to hang out with in small doses, but if you spend an entire night with her, you’ll end up with a raging headache, vomiting and having contracted some unknown STD.  Even knowing this, Merriman voluntarily decided to sacrifice himself for the good of the world.  With no thought to his own well-being, Merriman decided to confine Tequila to his home so no one else could be infected with her awfulness.  Forget ‘Lights Out’, from now on, he’s Shawne ‘Jesus’ Merriman.

For his efforts, Merriman was arrested and spent 2 and a half hours in jail, which I’m sure was a welcome respite from his time with Tequila.  I think anyone found guilty of a felony that could carry a death penalty sentence should have the option of being locked up with Tila Tequila for an indeterminate amount of time.  Not only would that prove to be a far worse punishment, but the idea of Tequila being around murderers puts a smile on my face.

In closing, I’d just like to say, thanks you, Shawne Merriman.  Thanks for trying to rid the world of Tila Tequila.  Unfortunately, a hero’s work is never done.

Tags: football, NFL, San Diego Chargers, Shawne Merriman

NFL To Save Fans From Terrible Football

Good news, your local nightmare is over, or at least not readily available for viewing.

The NFL is set to blackout more games on local television this season than ever before.  If a team fails to sell-out a home game by 72 hours before kick-off, the NFL will not allow that game to be shown in the local market.  After 96-percent of the NFL’s games were shown locally in 2008, this season it appears that at least a dozen teams will face at least one blacked out game and the Jacksonville Jaguars are facing the prospect of every home game being unavailable locally.  Let me just be the first to say, thank you, NFL.

As someone who sat through at least two Jaguars games last season, I can tell you that it’s a nap-inducing experience.  Have you ever witnessed David Garrard trying to lead an offense without any talented receievers?  Eh, it’s not for me.  Now, fortunate Jacksonvillians will have the opportunity to instead witness the Patriots, Cowboys or Saints and their high-flying, adrenaline infused style.

The NFL’s rules are incredibly simple and don’t really seem to punish fans at all.  Obviously, if you don’t buy a ticket and attend the game in person, you don’t really want to see the game.  So, why would anyone waste the time to broadcast something that no one wants to watch?  Don’t answer that, FOX.  Do you really think fans in Detroit are going to riot if they can’t watch their precious Lions?  I think it’s a safer bet that they’ll riot if they’re made to watch the Lions.

Sure, there is a downside.  Apparently, San Diego fans will likely miss a couple of games this year unless ticket sales experience an unforeseen spike soon.  The Chargers are a fun team to watch and should easily make the playoffs in a terrible division.  But maybe the NFL knows something that the fans don’t.  Maybe there’s a reason that Chargers games need to be blacked out locally.  Maybe the fix is in and San Diego’s home schedule will include losses to division rivals Denver and Oakland.  Losing to those two poor excuses for football teams would likely be enough to burn San Diego to the ground.  But if the local fans don’t see the games, they’ll be too busy cheering on the Eagles to get caught up in their own team’s downfall.

Once again, thank you NFL.  Some people might condemn you for being uncaring in a harsh economic climate, but not this guy.  As long as you keep the Lions, Seahawks, Jaguars, 49ers, Buccaneers, Rams, Browns, Broncos and Texans off my TV, you’re alright with me.

Tags: David Garrard, football, Jacksonville Jaguars, NFL, San Diego Chargers

Philadelphia Fans Are Too Loyal

This guy should be booing McDonald's

Remember a couple months ago when a Philadelphia area sports talk radio host ripped on Skip Bayless for ripping on Philly fans (hint: if you don’t remember, click the link)?  He was all butt-hurt about someone in the mainstream media daring to say what everyone not from Philadelphia already assumed.  That being, people in Philadelphia are pretty much assholes (the pretty much is just in case I meet a hot girl from Philadelphia… ‘no, I didn’t call you an asshole, I said pretty much’). 

To illustrate that point, here is the story of Chargers running back Curtis Brinkley who was shot while in his car at a suburban Philadelphia intersection.  Brinkley is a native of the city and is listed in stable condition.  Police say the suspect fled in a vehicle and is still at large.  They are unsure of the motive behind the shooting, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to guess that some die-hard Eagles fan wanted to punish a hometown kid for playing for another team.  Although, in this instance, I’d say the guy who got shot is the real ‘die-hard’.  Right?  Huh?  Right? 

Brinkely is a rookie out of Syracuse this season and if he makes the team, will be buried on an already crowded San Diego depth chart.  His story isn’t going to make big headlines is what I’m saying.  It’s unfortunate though because the NFL could use some goodwill.  I would think they would try like hell to publicize a story where one of their players was the victim instead of the perpetrator.  You know we’ll never hear the end of it if Brett Favre gets bitten by a dog. 

We may never know what led to this incident and I know you can’t really judge all of Philadelphia on the actions of one idiot.  Still, you can judge all the passers-by who stopped and booed Brinkley while he bled in his car.

UPDATE: It’s now being reported that Brinkley’s family believes his sister’s boyfriend was the shooter.  Because he’s a dyed in the wool Eagles fan?  No, but that still makes for a better story.

Tags: Curtis Brinkley, football, NFL, Philadelphia Eagles, San Diego Chargers

More NFL Rules Changes! Wheeew!

Ed Hochuli likes to make dinosaur sounds for the players

NFL Owners have been getting together a lot lately to change a bunch of rules.  Because why not, right? You can’t cheat on your old, bitch-of-a-wife with that sexy Latino secretary with the big boobs that you payed for as a Christmas present to yourself on your 60-foot yacht while smoking Cuban cigars and donating money to the GOP all the time.  Sometimes you’ve just got to buckle down and tamper with football, by-god.

They’re calling this one the “Hochuli Rule,” after NFL official Ed “Look at how big my arms are” Hochuli.  Poor Ed, who’s biceps are so big they’ve inspired their own blog, fucked up a big call in the Denver vs. San Diego game last year when he ruled that Jay Cutler didn’t suck threw an incomplete pass when in fact he had sucked fumbled.  Because he ruled it incomplete, it was non-reviewable, Denver retained possession, scored on the drive, made the two-point conversion, and won the game.

So now any similar play is reviewable.  Nevermind that they ignored the fact that referees blow their whistles when they rule the ball dead, and players are instructed to stop pursuing the ball when they hear the whistle.  That’s no big deal.  I’m sure a replay-reversed dead-ball touchdown will go over just fine with football fans.

I was going to post video of the really bad call, but while looking for it I found out that Biceps-Eddy is also an attorney, and what with certain things being in my trunk and certain growing operations going on in my shed I think I’ll lay off Mr. Hochuli.  Sir.

Tags: Denver Broncos, football, Jay Cutler, NFL, San Diego Chargers