Michael Jordan Still Doesn’t Suck

If any of you are biding your time, hoping to run into Michael Jordan once he is old, hobbled and unable to play the game he once excelled at, as I am, in order to earn bragging rights about beating MJ at basketball, well, the wait continues.  He’s not quite ripe for upset yet.  Maybe next decade.

Here’s the greatest of all-time shows off the fade-away jumper that was the final piece in his unstoppable offensive game.  Granted, the defender is a full two-inches shorter than Jordan and plays SlamBall, but if you look at it another way, he’s not some scrub blogger.

It seems unfair that a 46-year-old can do the things against an above average athlete that MJ does in this video, but if you ever had a question as to whether or not Jordan sold his soul to the devil, well now you have your answer.  Normal 46-year-olds are thinking about retiring from beer-league softball and reach for the Icy Hot after strenuous activity like tying their shoes.  Were Jordan human, this video would have ended just after his attempted standing reverse dunk, as he came up a good 8-inches short and immediately grabbed for his hamstring.

Then again, old men can flat out shoot the rock.  Find the worst player in your pick-up game, advance him 20 years and watch him go 10-for-10, flat-footed from mid-range.  If you think your buddy is getting a little full of himself, take him to the nearest retirement center and have him square off in a game of horse against the nearest octogenarian without a load in his pants.  Nothing humbles you faster than a guy who can’t chew his own food throwing in buckets underhand style.

I guess if Jordan progresses that way, he’ll be nearly unstoppable by the time he’s sixty.  I say nearly because there’s always the great equalizer of simply waiting for the elderly to fall asleep and then taking advantage of them…on the basketball court…perv.

Tags: basketball, Michael Jordan, SlamBall

Cartoon Network For Your Sporting Needs

Even with trampolines white guys can't compete

The doldrums of summer are upon us.  College football players haven’t even reported yet, the NFL is still more than a month away and basketball season is a distant dream.  Though this baseball season has been a fairly good one and golf has produced some interesting story lines, being truly satisfied by either one alone would be like an alcoholic being satisfied by a Zima. 

Sports fans crave sports.  We need action, big hits, speed, power and trampolines.  Gentlemen, we need SlamBall.  Thanks to Cartoon Network, we have it.  Seriously, Slamball is on Cartoon Network every Saturday and Sunday at noon.  Next you’ll tell me that Bravo is going after the straight man demographic…oh. 

In case the traumatic loss of SlamBall caused you to block the memory of it from your brain, the sport consists of a basketball court with trampolines sunk into the floor at either end and hockey-style boards around the perimeter.  Also, now the court is outside.  It makes it more extreme and dangerous.  Not only do you risk tearing a ligament or breaking a bone, but you risk getting skin cancer from the UV rays.  Next season I hear they might stop blood testing for diseases. 

I’m not sure of the rules exactly, except that it seems you get more points for a dunk than a lay up of jumper.  Also, sometimes you can body check people, but not all the time, you barbarians. 

The spectacle began on SPIKE TV or whatever it was calling itself back then and has moved around since then, making a brief appearance on Versus before settling now on CN.  There have been a few tweaks since the debut and the players have been upgraded.  Where they used to feature a group of guys who might have played basketball in high school and take pick up games way too seriously, they now feature guys who claim to have appeared in a couple Arena League Football games, or played for an NAIA school.  There’s also some players whose name sounds vaguely familiar, but you can’t for the life of you figure out why.  They’re the most marketable.  The random rec league guys have some hold-overs, but they’re grisled veterans now, so they’re legit. 

You wouldn’t expect Cartoon Network to produce a quality sports broadcast, but on a scale of unwatchable to perfect, they’re slightly above FOX.  They even convinced former NBA analyst Tom Tolbert to join the announcing team.  He does a fairly decent job of convincing viewers that he doesn’t want to kill himself for the way his life turned out too. 

I’m not saying SlamBall is going to make you forget that NCAA football is still a few weeks away.  I am, however, saying that watching some decent athletes take serious risks with their bodies for what I can only imagine is enough money to super size at McDonald’s is better than most alternatives at this time of the year.  I honestly sat around and watched a show about people dating in a dark room the other day.  It wasn’t all bad though.  At least now I can say that I know how Tom Tolbert feels.

Tags: SlamBall, Tom Tolbert