Sports Illustrated Is Anti-Skank

High heels, bikini, sports car... a tattoo would make this ridiculous

That title may seem odd when you consider that Sports Illustrated gets a huge boost in publicity and ad sales every year by taking pictures of models in bikinis on a beach.  Evidently, those models need to fit into a certain mold, or at the very least be comfortable with someone Photoshopping their unacceptable slutishness (a word for Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary 2012). 

Danica Patrick didn’t fit the high standards of SI so her tramp-stamp got edited out of the magazine’s final edition.  Of course, the execs might have just been confused about the meaning of the ink. 

It’s half of an American flag and half of a checkered flag.  Does that mean she’s finished with the U.S. or America is her finish line?  Maybe finishing is American, but don’t tell your girlfriend. 

Don’t get too upset about the photoshopping though.  Without it, Danica would have been showing off those pythons she had in her Super Bowl ad for GoDaddy.com.  You know, the ones that made Hulk Hogan jealous. 

I’m not saying I would be disgusted by Danica’s non-photoshopped swimsuit pictures, that’s a term I reserve for the fat woman who breast-fed her ugly baby while I ate lunch, I’d just have to go back to fantasizing about Helio Castroneves.

Tags: Danica Patrick, Helio Castroneves, Sports Illustrated

Walmart Hates Boners… Always

Looks Like I'll Have To Start Touching Myself At Target

If you’re used to picking up your copy of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition at Walmart while your fat wife yells at your fat kids to stop fighting over some cereal to make them fatter, prepare to hate life even more.

Walmart, which appears to be the only company in the world making money right now, won’t pay some kind of surcharge or something and so has stopped carrying the magazine.  If you give a shit about finance stuff go here.  But I assume if you knew anything about how to manage money you wouldn’t be shopping at Walmart in the first place, so just ignore that.  

Walmart can say they are doing this for financial reasons, but I know the truth.  They’re tired of cleaning up all their ruined towels in the Book and Magazine aisle.  Guess I’ll have to go back to Highlights to fulfill my public masturbation fetish.

Tags: Marisa Miller, Sports Illustrated, Walmart