Allen Iverson in: A Very Unshocking Story

What do you mean this guy doesn't make great decisions?

Allen Iverson left the Philadelphia 76ers after only 25 games this season to deal with some personal issues, namely his daughter’s illness and impeding divorce.  I led with that information because it makes Iverson out to be a fairly sympathetic figure.  That image quickly fades as this story progresses.  Not necessarily because AI is such a bad guy, but rather because he’s now a former NBA player doing what former NBA players do.

So, now you might be thinking to yourself, ‘what exactly do former NBA players do?’  Well, let’s consider the former NBA players whose whereabouts are currently known and use them for precedent.

Jalen Rose is an analyst for ESPN and is following in the footsteps of other former NBAers.

Michael Jordan is about to become the owner of an NBA team and other former NBA stars have taken jobs in the front office or in coaching.

Antoine Walker is in and out of prison and owes a fortune in gambling debts.

Jayson Williams is headed to prison for manslaughter and recently was charged with a DUI after blowing a .19 BAC.

Oh, also Michael Jordan’s gambling issues have been well documented.  And, I don’t want to make false accusations but I’m willing to bet they all know how to buy the bar and get shit-faced.

In short, I could have made this a lot simpler by just saying, ‘former NBA players drink and gamble.’  But, I needed to pad my word count.  Thanks for going on this journey with me.

So, connect the dots.  Iverson is no longer a current player.  Former players gamble and drink.  So, by the transitive property: Iverson

will either drink himself into oblivion or gamble his life away…

Iverson’s gambling problem is serious enough that he has been banished from casinos in Detroit and Atlantic City, N.J.

That information coming courtesy of Stephen A. Smith’s column in the Philadelphia Inquirer.  I personally think Screamin’ A would have been better served to say that Iverson will either drink his life away or gamble himself into oblivion.  I mean really, how do you gamble your life away?  Where can I find a bookie that will accept my life as a viable bet?  How much money would one’s life be worth in a bet anyway?  If you know the answers to any of these questions, please let me know.  I’m just saying…I know a sure thing and I don’t have much in the way of disposable income.

So, as the headline suggests, this story is not in the least bit surprising.  Stephen A’s next report should tell us how much Kenyon Martin likes tattoos.  Or how much Shawn Kemp enjoys unprotected sex.  Or he could break the lid off of his own cheese doodle addiction.  All would likely be more hard hitting than Allen Iverson, compulsive gambler and drunk.

Tags: Allen Iverson, drunk, NBA, Stephen A. Smith

Hamilton-Inspired Character Collapse Scenarios

You can practically hear Josh yelling "Freedooooooom!"

The sporting world has a plethora of character stories and expectations.  Every now and then someone like Josh Hamilton comes along and shatters every universally held belief about himself, which tends to shake confidence in the public image of all other prominent figures.

Here are a few headlines that could break in the following vein that would be at least as shocking, and quite funny or awful, depending on the rigidity of your morality.

Joe Buck Implicated in Child Pornography Ring  After seizing the great announcer’s son’s computer, authorities have reported they could have recovered as much as 6 GB of underage pornography, some involving Mr. Buck and his child-like penis.  “The worst part was how condescending he was towards the children while molesting them” said one officer who wished to remain unnamed.  “I thought I’d seen everything this f*cked up world has to offer, until I saw that pompous boy-lover narrating his own pedo-tapes.  All of us got physically ill at one point or another.”

Brett Favre Disappears  The former  current currently former NFL quarterback’s wife tells reporters that her husband has quietly left civilization to pursue life as a hermit deep in the Smokey Mountains.  She said he had grown tired of media attention, and hated being in the spotlight almost as much as he hated shaving his stupid face.  In a related story, Tony Kornheiser has been found dead in a rented motel room, hung by a pair of dirty underpants believed to be worn by Mr. Favre in his last game as a NY Jet. 

Stephen A. Smith Joins a Monastery, Vows a Life of Silence  Former NBA analyst and open racist, Stephen A. Smith, has left the United States to join a Monastic Order located in Northern Austria, known for their strict vow of silence.  According to a press release read by his agent, Mr. Smith had always found thinking of things to say a challenge, which is why he would often repeat the exact same phrase multiple times at various volume levels during live segments and pod casts.  “It was obvious to all of us who followed Stephen’s career in media that he really never had anything intelligent to say.  His last words to me before boarding his flight to Europe were ‘A man can only cover his ignorance by shouting for so long, and the good lord has finally called on me to shut the f*ck up’.”

Vin Scully Arrested in Gang Shooting  The famed Dodger announcer of 61 years has been held without bail after a bloody exchange of gunfire which left nine dead and four more wounded in Los Angeles’s Mount Washington neighborhood.  Witnesses say the soft-spoken elderly announcer approached two stopped vehicles at an intersection early yesterday evening.  After a heated exchange, they say the geriatric statesman of Irish heritage pulled two firearms out of his coat pockets and opened fire on both cars, killing all occupants and wounding some spectators near by.

Kurt Warner and Tim Tebow Marry in Hawaii  The two obnoxiously-religious quarterbacks have both forsaken their Christian faith to declare their undying love for each other in a secular ceremony on the Island of Lanai this weekend.  Both men agreed that there is no way Jesus could have been as great as either of them, and so have decided to start their own church of self worship.  Details to date are sketchy, but a publicist for Warner has said they plan to finish most of the new scriptures during a steamy honeymoon in the Philippines, where they will spread the new gospel between passionate bouts of spreading each other on the tropical sands.

Tags: Brett Favre, Joe Buck, Josh Hamilton, Kurt Warner, Stephen A. Smith, Tim Tebow, Vin Scully

Screamin’ A Will Research Recession First-Hand

Cameras catch Smith in-between tirades about Stephon Marbury

Stephen A. Smith’s time at ESPN is almost over.  His contract will expire after the NBA playoffs and despite an offer from the Leader for a new deal, Smith will walk.  This comes as a shock for me as I was under the impression that he was already gone. 

It seems only fair to discuss these latest developments as if we had actually talked to Screamin’ A:

What up BLOG-ashpere, this is STEE-ven A. smith.  Holla at ya’ BOOOOOOOOOOOYYYY!  Quite frankly, this is an a-BOM-INATION.  I feel like KWA-may Brown right now.  No-body wants me and I don’t know WHAT TO DO.  To be perfectly honest, I’ve been mailin’ it in to the SO CALLED LEADER for months.  The contract ne-GO-SHE-ations WERE A JOKE.  The BOT-TOM LINE IS, I’M LOOKING FORWA’D TO taken some time OFF.

You’ll have to imagine that he went up an octave or two for emphasis during that speech because unfortunately, I don’t know how to convey that through type. 

To most of us, Stephen A’s decision is a strange one.  He’s passing on a diminished role but steady paycheck at ESPN to go back to the dying world of newspapers and magazines without any guarantee that there’s a job waiting for him. 

I wouldn’t worry too much though.  I’ve been assured that there are people who make a decent living screaming non-sense on street corners.  I think Stephen A has finally found his true calling.

Tags: ESPN, Stephen A. Smith

God Damn You, Skip Bayless

We all knew it was going to happen.  I was hoping that with Tim Tebow deciding to play his senior year at Florida we could forestall this for a year, but Skip Bayless shit all over my parade on Friday.  Tim Tebow is officially the next Brett Favre.  Dear God.

While Stephen A. Smith finally did something that didn’t piss me off by instantly laughing his ass of at Skippy, he’s missing the point here.  It doesn’t matter if Tebow ever starts for 17 years in the NFL, or makes the Pro Bowl 10 times, or stars in Wrangler commercials, or holds the all-time record for interceptions. 

With Skip’s anointment, Tim Tebow is now ESPN’s new peg-boy.  What Thom Brennaman and Charles Davis tried to do for “Superman” (gag) during the BCS National Championship game will pale in comparison to what the ESPN machine will throw at him.  Let the media fellatio parade begin!

Tim will remember that FOX broadcast like that one blow job from high school where she was all nervous and tried her best but she had braces, and it was in her parents driveway, and she never even used her tongue and… well you know.  Well you probably don’t, but I do.  Where as ESPN is like that girlwhore Charles Barkley was furiously careening through the intersections of Scottsdale to throw fist-fulls of dollars at.  You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

So if you thought that NFL coverage these past few years was painful; steel yourself.  Tim Tebow is the perfect storm of Kurt ”We won because I had more faith in Jesus” Warner mixed with Brett “Please stop making out with my picture right in front of me, Mr. Kornheiser” Favre.

I have to go lick my dog’s ass to get this taste out of my mouth now.  Have a great fucking weekend.

Tags: Brett Favre, Charles Barkley, Charles Davis, ESPN, football, FOX, Kurt Warner, NFL, Skip Bayless, Stephen A. Smith, Thom Brennaman, Tim Tebow, Tony Kornheiser