Stephon Marbury is The New Rickey Henderson

Are you not entertained?

A couple days ago, Stephon Marbury made a Stephon Marbury-esque decision.  He started live broadcasting his life right here.  The insanity actually started on Friday and I can’t apologize enough for not bringing it up until now.  You could thank me for not forcing you to waste your entire weekend glued to your computer wondering what Starbury would do next.  But, I’m not going to ask you to do that. 

There have been a handful of incredible moments already, including him breaking down and crying while listening to a song.  Right now, in fact, Steph is in a teleconference meeting trying to broker some deal to continue his live show and improve it.  One quote from that meeting, “I love white people…my daughter Italian.”  You may be wondering what that has to do with anything…that’s not a question you can ask when Marbury is involved.  By the way, Marbury’s self-proclaimed new nickname is “Starbury, the mad scientist.”  Why a scientist?  I don’t know, but a shirtless former superstar yelling anything repeatedly is pretty convincing. 

Perhaps the best thing about Marbury’s new live streaming web show is that there are commenters.  People like you or me telling him how insane everything he says or does is.  And, of course, he gets pretty butt hurt about the haters from time to time.  OK, so the best thing is clearly Starbury and his crazy pills, but the comments are pretty good too. 

Considering you’ve already missed a bunch of magic Marbury moments, here’s some of his best quotes, courtesy of Basketbawful and NBA Musings.  I don’t know if any of them can top his newest, “I love white people”, but you be the judge. 

“You know what the MVP trophy is…shiny shit.”- It’s also not owned by Starbury. 

“Man I sacraficed.  Splinters in my ass, crying, having conversations in the mirror with myself.”- Let’s be fair here, he was probably going to do that stuff anyway. 

“I know one thing for sure, and two things for certain. EVERYBODY wanna be a 50 million dollar bum.”- Good point, but what’s the other thing he knows for certain?

“I had to overconversate.”- I had to look-up overconversate in the dictionary. 

“Where would I want my jersey retired? Boston.”- Where would Boston want his jersey retired?  Anywhere else.

“Am I jealous of Tracy McGrady and Jason Kidd? Jealous of what?”- Uhhh, maybe their sanity?

“Going bald at 19 is not sexy. Its not the jump-off.”- Damn it, I told you, Mom.

“You wake up every day in LA and its groundhog day.”- Complete with Bill Murray and Andy McDowell?

“I’m not hating on video games. If that’s what you like as a grown man, cool.”- And I’m not hating on crazy former NBA players. 

“My job wasn’t taken. It was given to Chris Duhon. Don’t get it twisted.”- I have it admit, I got it twisted.

“I want to BUY A TEAM not play for a team.”- David Stern is officially at Defcon 1. 

“I had sex with a girl in the back of my truck. I made a mistake.”- I’m sure that girl feels great about herself though. 

“I undress haters. Stop playin’.”- You haters need to stay away from Starbury’s truck. 

“My moms. She’s like Matthew, Luke and John.”- She has 3 penises?

“No, I never sucked no wee-wee before. Next question.”- What other questions could I have after that?

“It’s very tough being 6?1? in the NBA.”- Even tougher being Starbury.

Tags: basketball, NBA, Stephon Marbury

NBA Bottom 5

This week, the league has been on its best behavior.  There wasn’t a whole lot of ineptitude or awfulness to report, but I managed to stretch a few things in order to make the list.  All in all, the NBA is doing pretty well these days… except of course for the impending lock-out and crippling financial crisis.  Happy days!

5. Stan Van Gundy- The coach of the Orlando Magic called out Shaq after the big man flopped in a recent Suns-Magic game.  Shaq is Shaq, he’s hilarious and one of the greatest players ever.  He can do what he wants.  If I could spell it, I’d say he has carte blanche.  Stan Van Gundy’s best asset is his striking resemblance to Ron Jeremy. 

4. Tom Ziller- This writer for FanHouse actually wrote (presumably without laughing) that the Kings would be back next year and shouldn’t be overlooked.  I guess he has a point.  Their biggest star is Kevin Martin, so they shouldn’t have any big contracts on the books.  If they can bring in an entirely new roster, they might be a contender.  But don’t end your column with ‘we’ll be back, suckers’ because there’s a possibility that the Kings will get better players.  Right now, there are only two teams that I would guarantee won’t make the playoffs in 2010, and the Grizzlies are in better shape than Sac-town. 

3. Mike D’Antoni- Thanks to his stat-inflating offense, Larry Hughes is not only playing again, but he’s also relevant again.  The 7 deadly sins of the NBA currently include, don’t overvalue Larry Hughes, yet people are doing it.  One of the others is don’t sign Stephon Marbury.  So if Mark Madsen gets an excuse to dance on national TV again, we might just see NBA demons climbing out of the floor boards at MSG. 

2. George Karl- The Nuggets’ coach thought it would be a good idea to take Carmelo Anthony out of a game that he didn’t ask to be taken out of.  Anthony refused and was suspended for the next game.  Thanks George.  Anyone with tickets to the Denver-Detroit game that hoped to see Melo in action will now throw God knows what at you next time you’re in Detroit.  Anthony is the reason people want to watch the team, so if he wants to play 48 minutes, he’s going to get to.  I’m glad you decided to disappoint fans in Detroit though, since they’re so well known for their forgiving attitude. 

1. Rockets’ Mascot Clutch- First, the team gave him his own personalized van.  Given the current financial situation of most NBA teams, that money could have been put to a better use.  Second, this video, showcasing the van, also shows Clutch brutally beating a group of kids.  Actually that part is great, but the predictable ending made me cringe.  Next time you make a video where you fight kids, include more child-beating.  Finally, Clutch goes home to this.  She must be a furry, but honestly, this mascot is trying my patience.

Tags: Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets, George Karl, Houston Rockets, Kevin Martin, Larry Hughes, Mark Madsen, Memphis Grizzlies, Mike D'Antoni, Sacramento Kings, Shaquille O'Neal, Stan Van Gundy, Stephon Marbury

Gabe Pruitt is Unoriginal

DUI is a start, but you'll need gun possession to make it in the NBA

The daily athlete’s arrest for DUI has become a regular daily occurrence.  Not unlike the rising of the sun or some blogger’s post about Erin Andrews.  The latest winner of the drunk and stupid sweepstakes is former USC guard and current Celtics’ benchwarmer Gabe Pruitt, who was busted while stopped at a green light at 3AM in LA.

The arresting officer claims he pulled Pruitt over for having illegal tint on the windows of his Mercedes, but I assume they say that so no one expects that they pulled him over for being black.  But maybe I’m being paranoid.  It’s not like the LAPD have ever had any problems with race relations.

The Boston Herald also reports that Pruitt was stopped at the green light having a conversation with the driver of the vehicle in the next lane, but fails to report what happened to that other driver.  It’s not likely that the police recognized Pruitt, so the rule about always arresting the more famous suspect is out.  Maybe they have a rule about pulling over the nicer car in a situation like that, but you’d think they’d miss out on alot of drug dealers and prostitutes that way. 

Could this incident eat into Pruitt’s playing time?  No because he only plays like 2 minutes a game.  He did, however, set the bar a little lower for possible incoming guard Stephon Marbury.  Look for other current Celtics to follow Pruitt’s lead in the coming days in order to give Steph plenty of slack when he signs with Boston.  I hear Brian Scalabrine has been illegally downloading movies to do his part.

Tags: Boston Celtics, Brian Scalabrine, drunk, Gabe Pruitt, NBA, Stephon Marbury

Stephon Marbury Has Some Free Time

This video is the first of a four-part series featuring some random guy and Stephon Marbury.  Check out SLAM Online for the background.

This isn’t gut-bustingly funny, but I’m willing to bet it beats the hell out of every episode of Michael Strahan’s show. 

Starbury gets paid millions of dollars to do nothing, so I’m expecting plenty more random videos featuring his head tattoo.  He needs to become a guy who shows up everywhere and anywhere there’s an ongoing broadcast. 

I want to see cut-aways of him watching NBA games, college games, the Academy Awards, everything.  Maybe he could even get interviewed on the scene of the next natural disaster.  Or better yet, just have him walk by in the background like “Where’s Waldo”.

Tags: Michael Strahan, NBA, Stephon Marbury

Stephon Marbury is Greater Than 300 Women

Steph could also take down 33 kindergartners, FYI

Some people tell me they don’t believe in miracles.  To them I say, what about the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team, what about Marisa Miller, what about the WNBA still operating after 12 years?  The last one being the most stupefying of all. 

Another miracle is that somehow someone used math to provide an insightful and interesting tidbit about basketball and wage discrimination.  What is it Jesus’ birthday or something? 

So Stephon Marbury earns more than twice every WNBA player’s salary combined even though he currently doesn’t play basketball professionally.  Now some critics might say that WNBA players don’t play basketball either, but that seems a bit crass.  Funny, but crass. 

In this time of equal pay and anti-discrimination lawsuits, shouldn’t women be getting as much as men for doing the same job?  So if women are doing this, they should be getting paid the same as the men doing it. 

In the case of Starbury, if a woman feuds with coaches, owners and teammates to the point that she’s asked to just stop showing up while her ability takes a sharp downward turn and she gets a head tatoo, she should make the same thing Starbury makes.

Tags: basketball, Marisa Miller, NBA, Stephon Marbury, WNBA