Australian Open is Great, But Not the Tennis

The Australian Open is currently robbing us of coverage of college basketball on ESPN2 on a nightly basis, but there has been some good out of it.  At this point, I should tell you that if you are looking for an in-depth, well-thought-out analysis of the tournament and its participants, you’ll need to look elsewhere.  This is nothing more than a collection of zany videos that have been collected through the first week(?) of action.  So, for the 98-percent of you still interested, let’s get to it.

Above you can see Rafael Nadal being proposed to by an Australian fan.  Generally, I’d assume that most women who would be willing to yell a marriage proposal to some famous dude would be of the homely, fat or crazy type, which is also known as the unwedable trio.  But, on the other hand, this is Australia and I’ve heard nothing but good things, which is to say they do a remarkable job of hiding their unattractive women.

MY favorite part of the clip is undoubtedly the breathless announcer who gets such a kick out of the whole thing.  By the end, he sounds like an asthmatic freshman asking the head cheerleader to the prom.  Seriously, listen to the last 3 seconds of the clip.  I’m pretty sure the FCC would frown on that kind of lewd breathing in the states.

I had planned to also post a clip where a silent moment from a match is interrupted by the use of one of the most under-utilized and offensive lines from The Hangover.  Instead, we can just sit here and imagine there’s a video because Tennis Australia has gone all MLB on us and forced all copyrighted content off of YouTube.  I guess that means you’ll need to watch that first video ASAP because it won’t be around for long.

Oh, Andy Roddick also said “bull shit” on TV while arguing with an official, but there’s no longer video evidence of that around either.  And Venus Williams may or may not have been wearing knickers in one of her matches in the tournament.  There’s some pictures of that floating around, but I’ve been so disillusioned I don’t have to drive to find them for you.

I will say that if I was running a major tournament that drew some attention but hardly dominated headlines in America, but then received a bunch of attention from people who usually could care less because of a handful of videos available on the Internet, my number one priority would be to take those videos down.  If you disagree, you clearly know nothing about public relations and building interest for an event.

Bootlegged from FanHouse

Tags: Australian Open, douchebaggery, Rafael Nadal, tennis

In honor of Wimbledon and Gay Pride Month

A lot of fuss has been made lately about too much grunting/moaning/screaming in women’s tennis.  Mainly by super dike Martin Martina Navratilova, who thinks these [usually] hot young ladies need to shut their slit-lickers.  You’d think a broad-shouldered carpet muncher would really get into this sort of thing, but apparently Miss Navratilova is a fan of ball gags.

Now Chris Evert, someone maybe tennis fans have heard of I guess, has also come out as anti-orgasm sounds.  Naturally, at first I assumed that Mr. Mrs. Evert must be a dead fish in the sack, but then I actually read part of the story.  Surprising I know.

“It comes before they hit the shot.  That’s the first thing you hear and you are kind of like thrown off guard as a player and then before you know the ball gets past you.”

And with this I have to agree with Chris.  Not with anything to do with tennis.  I don’t watch tennis.  I mean about moaning before contact.  I hate a bitch that fakes it as much as the next manly, former female tennis star.  If I hear moans before contact, I’m libel (I don’t like to use words that sound like liable anymore) likely to throw a tittie punch.  Not that I don’t appreciate you faking it for me, but at least make me feel like I don’t have a soggy french fry for a penis.  That’s what I’m paying you for.

Tags: tennis, Wimbledon

Inspired By The Uninspiring

This swimmer is always interesting

Being that it’s Friday and the Lord madeth this day for slacking off and ducking out early, I figured I’d slack off and duck out early.  I had been thinking about writing something on Jeffri Chadiha’s article on ESPN that touched on the NFL’s car service that apparently none of the players trust enough to use.  That’s right, any NFL player can call a car service in any major city at any time to avoid, oh I don’t know, driving while under the influence of alcohol and striking and killing a pedestrian.  Players are worried that teams will keep track of how many times they use the service and be penalized for it when it comes time to sign a new deal.  And, when they put it that way, it’s easy to see why they’d rather risk jail time and killing a person than possibly lose some money, maybe.  Because they’re smart.  You didn’t think the NFL was full of over-privileged, mindless wrecking balls, did you?  Well, if you’d like to read a full article that’s essentially summarized in the previous three sentences, you can do that at Yahoo’s Shutdown Corner. 

As for me, my plans to write that article were derailed when I perused the AP wire.  Good God, there’s a bunch of stories that I, and I would guess most of America, could care less about.  Such as:

Michael Phelps is swimming in Montreal this weekend.  Two things I’d rather not talk about, swimmers outside of the Olympics… make that male swimmers, and French-Canadians. 

Swimming’s governing body is preparing a list of acceptable suits.  Let me now add swimsuits to that list of things I’d rather not talk about… male’s swimsuits. 

Mike Weir is off to a good start at the U.S. Open.  Damn it, Canada.  I actually like the U.S. Open, but I don’t need to know about it until Saturday afternoon at the earliest. 

Caribbean Games canceled due to Swine Flu.  Really?  Still with the Swine Flu?  Well, I guess the Caribbeans will have to forget the competitions and just relax in their island paradise.  Why is there something called the Caribbean Games again?

The Detroit Tigers recalled a Triple-A catcher.  Most Tigers fans would respond with a semi-interested ‘huh’.  His parents responded with ‘do you get free tickets or a raise?’

Marcos Baghdatis is out of Wimbledon with an injury.  Rafael Nadal is a top 2 player and pulled the same stunt.  What makes this guy think he deserves any coverage?  Hacky tennis columnists are likely bummed that they can’t make a ‘Baghdatis Bombed’ headline.

Yao knows nothing of a possible trade to Cleveland.  I’m sure the best way to win a Pulitzer is to start with unfounded rumors and then get their target to give you absolutely no insight or opinion on them.

WNBA player Seimone Augustus is out for the season.  Now they’re just making stuff up.  First, it’s not even basketball season and second, the WNBA had to fold like three years ago, right?

Tags: Detroit Tigers, Golf, MLB, NBA, NFL, olympics, tennis, Yao Ming

Tradition of Crazy Tennis Fathers Continues

I'll give you one guess for where she got that look from

You don’t have to follow women’s tennis to know that most of the players’ fathers are certifiably insane.  Standing behind every Jennifer Capriati, Mary Pierce or Serena and Venus Williams is a crazy father waiting with terrible advice or physical abuse.  Somehow, though, Jelena Dokic’s dad may be the new world’s number one. 

Damir Dokic has been charged with threatening the Australian ambassador in Belgrade, Serbia.  Reportedly, Damir threatened to ”fire a rocket launcher” at the ambassador’s car if she did not stop the Australian press from reporting that he had beaten his daughter.  He may be willing to kill an ambassador and several bystanders who have little to nothing to do with the media he’s upset at, but he would never beat his little girl.  Oh hey, he also admitted that he beat his little girl. 

Jelena Dokic apparently gave an interview revealing her past with her father in Australia, which as it turns out was completely factual.  But, you can’t blame the guy for wanting to keep his family’s dirty laundry private.  Actually, according to the authorities in Serbia, you can blame the guy.  He could face up to 8 years in prison.  I’m guessing 8 years in Serbian prison is the equivalent of 40 years in American prison or 3 days with Madonna, so naturally he’ll be on constant suicide watch… just like Guy Ritchie was. 

Though his initial tactics were a bit blunt, Dokic has made a shrewd move in hiring his lawyer.  Bosiljka Djukic will represent him, which means he’s one typo or mispronunciation away from watching his lawyer get thrown in prison while he walks scot-free out the door.  Considering all the things I don’t know but do assume about the Serbian judicial system, I would imagine that scenario is pretty damn likely.

Tags: douchebaggery, Jelena Dokic, tennis

Serena Williams is Mistaken

If she's #1, it shouldn't have been so hard to find a picture of her playing tennis

Are we really going to write a post about tennis?  Women’s tennis, no less? 

Serena Williams has laid claim to being the number one women’s tennis player in the world, saying “quite frankly, I’m the best in the world.”  One, Stephen A. Smith is still awaiting his royalty check.  Two, that’s confusing because the world rankings say something different. 

Sooo, we are going through with this?  Are we sure a youtube video of a skateboard punk breaking his arm wouldn’t be better?

Dinara Safina took over the number one ranking a couple of weeks back, leaving Serena in the second spot and her ass occupying spots 3 and 4. 

HAHA, OK you made a joke, are we done now?  I’m almost positive there are boobs elsewhere on the Internet.

Maybe, if Serena actually cares about being number 1, she should try actually playing tennis once in a while.  Without doing any actual research, it seems she only plays in the Grand Slam events and the tournaments to tune up for the Grand Slam events.  I’m pretty sure you don’t get points for appearing in commercials and designing clothes I never see anyone wearing. 

Oh great, we’re talking about fashion design now?  When did we switch this site from Bootlegger Sports to Butt-Licker Sports?  I admit that was terrible, but only because I’m so bored right now.

Serena seems to think she’s the Tiger Woods of tennis.

Golf now?  Jesus…

He doesn’t play every tournament either.  He’d prefer to concentrate on winning majors.  Usually, he maintains the number one ranking, but right now he’s 10th.  Do you hear him proclaiming himself the best in the world?  No, because we already know that.  Serena has to tell us because we wouldn’t know otherwise. 

I certainly wouldn’t have known, but that’s because women’s tennis puts me to sleep faster than an Ambien and Rum cocktail.  Maybe next you can fill me in on the croquet championships. 

In other news, the World Croquet Championships…

That’s it, I’m outta here. (door slam)

Tags: Dinara Safina, Serena Williams, tennis