Old Men to Squander Money

He's officially senile, boys. Send in the leeches.

They say everything is bigger in Texas.  By ‘they’, I mean assholes.  But I have to give a tip of the ol’ ten gallon hat to the Texas officials that came up with this scheme, I mean ploy, I mean scam, I mean, yeah, scam works.

A company called My Plates will hold an auction to raise money for the state of Texas.  What’s on sale, you ask?  License plates.  Specifically, personalized plates that are typically in high demand.  And this is Texas we’re talking about, so those likely include things like ‘HOWDY’, ‘CTLRCHR’ and ‘NOMXCNS’.

The auction is scheduled for Sept. 22 at Cowboys Stadium, and 30 seven-digit plates will be offered, including COWBOYS, PORSCHE and RANGERS. The proceeds are shared by My Plates, the state and three charities.

My Plates president Steve Farrar, in a board meeting in April, played up the appeal of the new tags, dangling the possibility of a high-stakes chase for the COWBOYS plate.

Supposedly, Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, and Oklahoma State alum, superfan and super-donor, T. Boone Pickens, have each expressed an interest, which I assume included a combination of pulling out their wallets and firing six-shooters in the air, in the COWBOYS plate.  That is according to someone with something to gain by floating that rumor.  According to people associated with the billionaires themselves, not so much.

But, assuming both Texas giants will make an appearance at the auction and be willing to part enough money to pay the salaries of one-hundred lowly bloggers is much more fun.  So, how much could this COWBOYS plate end up going for?  Well, generally, specialized license plates in Texas are given out for $30.  These guys don’t work in denominations that small, so we’ll have to open the bid at ten times that.  And, blah blah blah, $1-million dollars.  Why not?  Pride is sure to take over as each tycoon attempts to compensate for their sagging, shriveled sacks.  See kids, alliteration can be fun.

But overlooked in all this talk of money and old-man junk are the people who won’t be attending this auction.  Sure, the plate COWBOYS makes perfect sense for Jones and Pickens, but what of an actual couple of cowboys.  They’ve been priced out of advertising themselves on their vehicle registration.  They’ll just have to settle for the bumper sticker that reads, ‘I brake for chaps.’  Apparently, I’m talking about gay cowboys.  So, I’d like to propose that if there are two gay cowboys that carpool in the state of Texas, they should be awarded this sought after license plate.

We’re here…we’re queer…we deserve a personalized license plate.

Tags: douchebaggery, Jerry Jones, T. Boone Pickens, Texas

Soccer is Making Progress in America

Someday...

Take it away, Dallas Morning News

A Texas man accused of fatally beating his 2-year-old stepdaughter when she wouldn’t stop crying as he watched a World Cup game has been charged with capital murder.

[...]

Police Chief Victor Rodriguez says Castro told investigators the toddler wouldn’t stop crying while he was trying to watch the U.S.-Ghana matchup Saturday.

Rodriguez says the child was severely beaten and suffered several broken ribs. Police say a screw or bolt was forced down her throat in an apparent attempt to make it look like she choked to death.

To be certain, this is an ugly, indefensible tragedy that, thankfully, happened in Texas where this man will suffer tremendously for his crimes.

But this happened in Texas.  I realize the perpetrator’s name is Castro, but previously this story could’ve only happened in that environment if you replace ‘World Cup game’ with ‘Dallas Cowboys game’.  That’s the progress we’ve been promised for the past 20 years.

You know, when the media preaches about how the U.S. National Team’s World Cup performance might finally make soccer into a national obsession?  Maybe they weren’t talking entirely out of their ass on this one.

If this disgusting crime is possible in Texas, then what else is now possible?  Could we see a murder trial in Alabama with a Man U- Chelsea game at its heart?  Perhaps a city-wide riot in Atlanta stemming from a high school soccer game?

We’ve already got a head start on this racism thing that the world’s soccer fans seem to be so adept at.  Now, it seems, we’re improving at the irrational violence as well.

USA!  USA!  USA!

Tags: douchebaggery, soccer, Texas

Guerdwich Montimer Blows Lid Off Contrived Movie Plots

Lyla was too old to be in high school too but nobody complained.

Hopefully, you’ve been at least passively following the chronicles of Guerdwich Montimer, aka Jerry Joseph, aka the dude in the middle of the shit-storm in Odessa, Texas.  Montimer had been posing as an innocent high school student and basketball star until coaches from his former school recognized him and completely spoiled his plan like Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Team.  The problem wasn’t that Montimer had transferred from another school, but rather that he transferred after graduating from high school and briefly attending a junior college.  Apparently, Texas’ high school athletics association frowns on collegiate transfers.

Also frowning on 21-year-old men attending high school under the guise of being 16, apparently everyone else in Texas and maybe America.  Last week, Montimer was arrested three times in four days.  Reached for comment, Darryl Strawberry said, “Not bad…for a kid.”

Montimer was initially cuffed for failure to properly identify himself to a police officer, then again for tampering with government documents and finally when a fellow student came forward and said she and Montimer had engaged in a sexual relationship, which would have been fine if he had really been 15 like he said…or if she had really been 18 like I assume she said.

So, essentially, what all this proves is that you can’t re-do high school.  Someone please alert Hollywood that this plot device is no longer acceptable.  Drew Barrymore made a movie just like this about a decade ago.  Except she didn’t play basketball and she may not have slept with anyone.  Clearly, it was an intensely boring film.  But now it’s also unrealistic.  Where was the scene where Drew is arrested for not properly identifying herself and for forging official documents?  Correct me if that was in there because I may have fallen asleep or drank that memory from my mind.

Nick Cannon also made a movie where he went back to high school.  And he did play basketball…and he was black…and he made an improper joke about boning his underage classmates.  Long story short, cancel your plans to make a Montimer bio-pic because Nick Cannon did it five years ago.

Tags: basketball, Guerdwich Montimer, high school, Texas

Denial and the BCS: A Love Story

Bill Hancock, BCS Chief and spokesman for handsome cream

The BCS recently hired a new executive director who began his tenure Thursday by pissing off everyone but the two schools slated to play for this season’s national championship.  Clearly, they made the right decision on who should get the job.

Bill Hancock, who’s name naturally has some reference to ‘dick’ because it’s a prerequisite for his position, made his first act as BCS Chief by telling everyone how great the system he’s inherited is.  Cincinnati, Boise State and TCU, you’ll have to be quiet.  The Chief is talking.

I know this is not completely popular, but I believe in it.  I believe it is in the best interest of the universities.

I’m not going to tell you again, Cincinnati, Boise State and TCU.  Hancock might as well have said ‘I know this system is terrible, but screw you, everyone, I don’t really care.’  It’s essentially the same message.

He went on to make the tired argument that “college football has never been better” so why change things?  Good point.  Afghanistan has also never been better, so clearly it’s beyond fault and now one of the elite, most advanced countries in the world.  Yep, there’s not a damn thing I would want to change about Afghanistan now that it’s better than the steaming shit-pile that it was recently.

Why is it that idiots with flawed products tend to adopt the ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’ policy while people with outstanding products adopt a ‘how much can we screw with a good thing before we break it’ policy?  For example, the BCS is better than a system where you can end up with more than one champion, so it must be the perfect system.  Meanwhile, the NCAA men’s basketball tournament is widely regarded as the greatest event in U.S. sports, so naturally the powers that be are seriously considering butchering it beyond all recognition and adding somewhere along the lines of every team that has played basketball anywhere ever. [Ed. Note: The previous statement may contain some hyperbole.]

Furthermore, why haven’t I been asked to take over as the decision maker on all of this as clearly I have the best ideas?  adjusts bowtie.  notices hole in boxers.

Back to Hancock:

The fact is what we have right now works.  Who would you ask not to be a part of this?

To which everyone within earshot replied, ‘What?’  I know there’s a sic that belongs in there somewhere, but I’m not quite sure where.  If only I could watermark the entire statement with a giant sic and be done with it.

The Chief’s nonsensical statement aside, how exactly is a system where at least one team gets screwed every year in everyone’s best interest?  The only teams happy about the BCS every year are the two that play for the national title.  And that’s not even the case this season as Colt McCoy refused to back off of his indictment of the system now that his team is in the big game, after being snubbed last season.  Kudos to you, Colt, but clearly you don’t have what it takes to win a title.  Anyone who sticks to their beliefs and morals doesn’t deserve to be associated with the BCS.  Now, Nick Saban on the other hand…there’s a BCS champion.

Tags: Alabama, BCS, Bill Hancock, Colt McCoy, douchebaggery, football, NCAA, Nick Saban, Texas

‘I Play Football At Texas’ Not Valid Legal Defense

So here’s what you probably already know: University of Texas return man DJ Monroe was pulled over and taken into custody on DWI charges about a month ago.  He was initially suspended from the Longhorn football team until someone reminded Mack Brown that they were scheduled to play for a national championship in January.  Now he’s been re-instated and I can only assume that he’s back to his old drinkin’ and drivin’ ways.

So since you already know all the information I’m churning out here, you may be wondering why I’m posting this story at all.  Well, your first mistake was reading anything underneath what may well be the video of the year.  Set aside ten minutes of your time and enjoy.

I must admit that if you take out the times Monroe tells the officer that he plays football at the University of Texas and the times he’s puking in the officer’s car, you’re left with nothing but ‘yes sir’.  That’s the kind of man that Mack Brown is molding.

Tags: DJ Monroe, drunk, football, NCAA, Texas