Alberto Contador Out Douches Lance Armstrong

The crowd goes quiet, trying to figure out what the f*ck is wrong with his thumb

Not satisfied with merely winning the Tour de France, Alberto Contador felt the need Monday to vent his now obvious inferiority complex and trash Lance Armstrong.  It wasn’t enough that he bested him in the field of bicycle racing and testicle-having.  Obviously this small, greasy little man needed to rub Lance’s dick in the dirt just a little bit more:

“My relationship with Lance is non-existent.  Even if he is a great champion, I have never had admiration for him and I never will.”

Let’s take a moment to break this down.  He could have easily stopped with “My relationship with Lance is non-existent.”  That would have been fine.  Lance is  a well-documented dick head, and Greasy Spaniard would have looked like a reserved champion had he just ended this here.  But then, what kind of a greasy Spaniard would he be if he didn’t ooze douche every chance he got (for the record, I am the anti Will Rogers of Spanish people.  I’ve never met one I even remotely liked).

So Greasy Spaniard had to add “even if he is a great champion”.  What the hell does that mean?  You mean, despite the fact that he won 7 of those bicycle-racing trophy things, you’re still not sure he’s a champion?  You’ve done it how many times now, and you’re asking if?

Now for the last part.  I, personally, have no admiration for Lance Armstrong either.  I think he’s an arrogant prick.  But if I liked to wear skin-tight shants and stupid helmets while waving my ass at the the line of pissed of commuters behind me who are now late to work because I’m such a self-absorbed ass-hat, then maybe I would admire Lance Armstrong.  I believe that most of us are largely annoyed to the point of contemplating vehicular homicide by bike riders on a regular basis, and Lance was able to get a majority of Americans to like him by pissing off the French.

It just seems that someone like Greasy Spaniard could admit that he admired what ol’ one-nut Armstrong was able to accomplish, even if he didn’t have any kind of relationship with him.  But then again, that would have ruined my perfectly sound stereotype of Spanish people.  So in a way, thank you.  Thank you Greasy Spaniard.  Not for restoring my faith in my own countrymen, as Lance was able to do for so many Americans, but by reinforcing my intense dislike of yours.

Tags: bicycling, Lance Armstrong, Tour de France

The Pope Poped The Tour De France

The Pope is popin'

Pope Benedict XVI is currently on vacation at a mountain retreat in the Alps, which begs the question why would the Pope need to vacation?  He lives in the Vatican, his job is to travel around blessing things and he’s the Pope, so I’m assuming normal vacation goals like pass out on a beach or get some foreign strange ist forbotten from the agenda.  Regardless, he is taking time of from his strenuous job of fabulous opulence and leisure to relax in one the most beautiful places in the world.  Maybe there’s something to this Catholicism stuff after all. 

The Tour de France rode past the village where he is staying today and the Pope sent his greetings to those involved.  ‘Greeting’ not ‘blessing’.  Hmm, I wonder what those cyclists did to piss off the Pope.  Maybe he just enjoys seeing bike crashes as much as the rest of us and didn’t want the hand of God interfering. 

I think if I were Pope, I’d describe every action I performed as ‘poping’.  My personal journal would read something like, ‘I poped breakfast this morning and then poped my clothes on.  I went to pope a movie, then poped to some tourists and poped a nap.  I was supposed to pope some mail today, but maybe I’ll pope around to it tomorrow.  Right now, the Pope needs to pope.’  And that is why I’ll never be Pope.  That one reason.  If it weren’t for that, I can’t imagine what would keep me from it… so sayeth the Lord. 

This post hasn’t really been about the Tour de France, but I have more jokes about the Pope.  Seeing Pope Benedict XVI in print, I couldn’t help but wonder when the first Pope XXX will come.  I’m sure it will mark the end of humanity, though.  I mean, either Pope John XXX will be the bringer of armageddon, or some film studio executive will read this and think a movie called ‘Pope John XXX’ starring John Cena is a good idea and that movie will effectively destroy the Earth.  Either way, it’s safe to assume Pope John XXX is the most metal Pope since Pope Sergius III, who is said to have started the ‘pornocracy’… not joking.

Tags: cycling, Pope Benedict XVI, Tour de France

Lance Armstrong Isn’t Doing It Right

Winning the Tour de France is against Tour de France rules

Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has finally been caught cheating.  Armstrong has come out of retirement to compete in this year’s race despite constant rumors that he utilized an illegal advantage to capture his previous yellow jerseys.  He may well regret that decision since he was caught red-handed and punished before today’s third stage.  Wait, did you say steroids?  That’s not what this is about, why in the world would you think that?

The Tour de France is evidently a lot like the YMCA.  No, there’s not a bunch of elderly gentleman standing around with their junk on display in the locker room.  No, they don’t have a pool that has officially seen it’s ratio tip from mostly chlorinated water to mostly toddler urine.  Well, OK it’s not a lot like the YMCA, but it has one thing in common, you have to sign in.  Armstrong failed to do so Monday, so he has incurred the strictest penalty allowed for the infraction, a $92 fine and a stern wag of the finger from competition director Jean-Francois Pescheux.  Lance has to hope he doesn’t forget to sign in for the next 1-million stages because then he’d only have a few million dollars to live off of. 

At this point, it seems like the organizers of the Tour de France are just aching for a reason to punish Armstrong.  So far, all of those doping allegations haven’t stuck, so they’ve resorted to alternate methods.  I get the feeling that Lance will be informed tomorrow that the color of shoes he is wearing was just outlawed.  Also, there’s a five-minute penalty for being named Lance.  You don’t even want to know the punishment for being named Armstrong.  I’m actually OK with the recently passed ordinance prohibiting friendship with Matthew McConaughey. 

As for the rule about signing in before each stage, I guess maybe it’s to make sure that each rider actually starts at the starting line and doesn’t get a head start.  But then, it’s only a $92 fine.  Wait a second, I’ve got an idea.  I’ll need a bike, whatever 21 times 92 is, that many dollars and someone to write my victory speech.

Tags: Lance Armstrong, Tour de France