BS March Madness Preview- East

I have an idea to boost ratings for the women's tournament

There’s only one day left before the NCAA tournament begins.  Just one day of waiting, NIT hoops and the NBA between you and the greatest day in college sports.  No, I don’t know how many sleeping pills it would take to put you out until tomorrow at noon, why do you ask?  The East region looks pretty soft, most think Pittsburgh is going to cruise though it.  And who is going to stop them?  Duke?  I think it’s clear Coach K no longer holds enough pull to get a sub-par team deep into the Dance. 

1. Pittsburgh- They’ve been a good team for years, but they’ve never made a run in the tourney.  So, I guess I’m using ‘good’ the same way I would if I said ‘the city of Pittsburgh smells good’. 

16. East Tennessee State- Their ‘Buccaneer’ mascot looks like a zombie version of the villain in ‘Aladdin’.  Let me just say, mascot’s with earrings don’t win in March.  At least not in the men’s tournament. 

8. Oklahoma State- Their head coach was in the Marlon Wayans vehicle ‘The Sixth Man’.  The Cowboys haven’t had anyone die this season have they?  Well then, they might want to get on that.

9. Tennessee- This team is always loaded with ‘Smiths’.  Are they all former informants now in the WPP, or does Bruce Pearl only recruit names he can pronounce?

5. Florida State- Every other sport on campus is dealing with an academic fraud scandal.  The NCAA should just force the ‘Noles to forfeit their first-round game.  They either cheated on tests, or they’re all ineligible. 

12. Wisconsin- The Badgers are just happy to escape Wisconsin for a while.  The NCAA sent them to Boise, now they’re disappointed about missing out on the NIT. 

4. Xavier- They’re a Jesuit university.  Originally, Jesuits were Catholic priests known for their intellect.  No part of that suggests a talent for basketball. 

13. Portland State- I’m not exactly sure on this, but I feel like Portland isn’t a state.  Anybody else getting that inkling?  That kind of disregard for academics probably helps the basketball team. 

6. UCLA- They have a proud tradition and talented players, but they seem unmotivated.  Leaving Bel-Air for a weekend in Philadelphia probably isn’t going to help. 

11. VCU- When you load up their athletics site, you see a picture of a fat guy in a tux wearing golden ram horns.  Out of all the images they have, that’s the one they want to be the face of their program.  That speaks volumes. 

3. Villanova- It seems like Dick Vitale has an unhealthy infatuation with ‘Cats coach Jay Wright.  Dick won’t be announcing NCAA tournament games, but that will give him more time to stalk Nova’s coach to rant about his dapper suits and distract him from the opposition. 

14. American- If you root against them, the FBI starts to investigate you.  Or so I’ve heard.  If they’re truly American, most of their players are overweight and their university is in need of a bailout. 

7. Texas- Damion James’s tats should be a big story in this tournament.  I think he fell asleep in the Louvre, and someone gave him a sleeve of Renaissance art.  Or maybe that’s his baby-mama, it’s hard to tell. 

10. Minnesota- Tubby Smith found a new home where he is revered and successful.  Of course, it’s in Minnesota, where the rare black man is looked upon as an idol and good luck charm. 

2. Duke- It’s trendy to hate the Blue Devils, but what’s to hate?  Their ability to sign a top 5 douche recruiting class every year, their sense of entitlement or Coach K’s uncanny resemblance to their mascot?  You decide, and remember, there is no wrong answer.

15. Binghamton- Tony Kornheiser can’t stop talking about the Bearcats, which marks the first time in weeks he’s taken Brett Favre’s balls out of his mouth.  Between that and facing Duke, it’s safe to say Binghamton is the darling of this year’s dance.

Tags: American, Binghamton, Bruce Pearl, Duke, East Tennessee State, Florida State, Minnesota, Oklahoma State, Pittsburgh, Portland State, Tennessee, Texas, Tony Kornheiser, UCLA, Villanova, Virginia Commonwealth, Wisconsin, Xavier

John Wooden is Sick of You

Where's your common courtesy, Frank?

Former UCLA basketball coach, legend and Guinness World Record holder for longest ears John Wooden has been struggling with his health.  The 98-year-old was hospitalized, recently, while battling pneumonia and his family has made a statement to his countless number of fans: ‘It’s all your fault’. 

Wooden’s children have asked that you people stop sending him items to be autographed.  They report that the coach spends entire days signing his name and it leaves him exhausted.  His son, Jim, singled out Karl Fuhlman from Topeka, Kansas for FedExing his 3-year-old son to the coach and requesting a signature and haiku written in caligraphy as being one of the few rotten apples that has spoiled it for everyone. 

For all of you who thought having John Wooden sign your basketball shoes or toothbrush or condoms or whatever else you were planning to put on Ebay, think about what you’re doing.  You really want to inconvenience a 98-year-old man who seems like the nicest guy in the world and pay ludicrous shipping costs to get an autograph?  Do you realize that you could save your money and Wooden’s time by just forging his name?  It can’t look any less authentic than an elderly man signing his name for the 10-thousandth time today.  After everything that John Wooden has done for the game of basketball and basketball fans, you owe it to him to forge his signature. 

Speaking of which, how amazing is this guy’s work ethic?  He coached for over 30 years and continues to work full days hand-writing more than I have since I learned cursive.  If the world were full of John Woodens, there would be no recession.  Instead of sitting around hoping somebody else takes care of things, like me, he would be out solving problems and working non-stop to get things turned around, not like me, but hopefully like Obama.  Even at 98, John Wooden continues to inspire with his commitment to hard work.  His ‘Pyramid of Success’ must be a sweatshop. 

Editor’s Note: How fitting is it that Wooden’s Web site is sponsored by McDonald’s?  He is an inspiration to the countless number of elderly people who take daily trips to McDonald’s to just have coffee and scrutinize the workers.

Tags: basketball, John Wooden, NCAA, UCLA

Ranking College Towns For the Rich and Lame

Without a Cheerleader category this ranking is not Penis-Approved.

I generally don’t read Forbes magazine because I generally don’t have any money. Kind of like I don’t watch the food network because I’m not a big fatty. But this month Forbes did some ranking of The Top College Sports Towns. 

If you genuinely enjoy reading poorly crafted stories that back up idiotic points, (and seeing as how you’re reading this site I will assume that you do) then feel free to check it out. But I think this short film sums it up just about perfectly.

In essence all they did was take a list of the wealthiest college towns, count the number of ballets and modern art shows that appeared in each, weighted all the lame sports nobody watches equally with football and basketball, and poof. Douchebaggery ensues.

Note: The University of Hawaii at Manoa is not on this list, but Fayetteville, Arkansas is. I’d rather fill my asshole with honey and sit on a badger than live anywhere in Arkansas. And I think that’s a sport there…

Tags: Arkansas, douchebaggery, Hawaii, NCAA, UCLA

Jordan Farmar is Spoiled

He doesn't look it, but Jordan's terrified right now

LA Lakers point guard and fantasy disappointment Jordan Farmar has been blogging for Playboy recently, if you know what I’m saying, high five… oh he actually is just writing for them.  Anyway, one of his most recent entries detailed the perils of life as a superstar athlete at UCLA.  Perils is a word he would use, I’d use a word like, well, I don’t know, splendors of overwhelmingly hot poon?  Does that make sense?

With Leather has the most alarming excerpt here, but if you don’t want to exert yourself, I can just tell you that essentially, Jordan didn’t care for all the sexy, rich coeds at UCLA chasing after him and unscrupulously offering him sex. 

He says girls come to your dorm room, bringing you gifts and cards and hold up signs proposing marriage at games.  The horror!  This is a clear case of not knowing what you’ve got until it’s gone.  We need a “It’s A Wonderful Life” style intervention where Farmar gets to see what life is like for the non-athletes at UCLA.  With athletes hogging the attention of ladies at a 25:1 ratio, the normal guys are left with terrible odds and they actually have to work for attention.  Farmar probably has zero game, because his only line so far has been “Hi, I’m Jordan Farmar” while wearing his warm-ups.  Amazingly, that isn’t followed by “So?”  It’s instead followed by “I’m not wearing panties.” 

Hey Jordan, I’m sure it was a harrowing experience when a bunch of prospective Perfect 10 models were coming to your door propositioning you, but stop your bitching.  Some of us actually have to leave our room to sleep with models.

Tags: Jordan Farmar, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA, NCAA, Playboy, UCLA