Arianny Celeste is Getting Her Inbox Stuffed

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Hooray for excuses to post this picture

If you aren’t a fan of MMA and haven’t been watching various UFC events, you’re missing some incredible action and amazing athletic blah blah blah… tits.  Mostly, you’re missing the outstanding walking and sign holding up talents of Miss Arianny Celeste.  As a UFC Ring Girl, Arianny has the burdensome task of telling people what round it is and making sure things don’t get too gay, you know, with all the half-naked dude wrestling and what-not.  Let me tell you, she is doing a bang up job.

So bang up, in fact, that she’s created her own fan base of creepy, borderline stalkers.  One such future sex offender admirer is high school student Connor Cordova, who evidently put in a lot of time and effort in making a YouTube video asking Arianny to accompany him to his prom.  After presumably stocking up on mace and rape whistles, Arianny incredibly agreed.  Not only that, but she is setting up one of Cordova’s friends with one of her hot ass friends, who may or may not also be a ring girl.  And now that all of the bloggers, Internet lurkers and socially awkward chronic masturbaters, oh, I already said bloggers, have seen a crack in the dam, expect Miss Celeste to be overwhelmed with invitations in the coming weeks.

I hope she enjoys creepy dudes hiding in her trash so they can ask her to go to their cousin’s bar mitzvahs.  Or guys hiring a sky-writer to draw a likeness of their junk with ‘I (heart) Arianny’ written down it.  Or a guy kidnapping her and taking her to Vegas for a quicky wedding ceremony.  I really hope she likes all of that stuff…because I’m not stopping until something works.

Tags: Arianny Celeste, MMA, UFC

Brock Lesnar’s Only Weakness Revealed

I almost posted a Brock Lesnar picture...thank me later

A friend of mine claims he would fight Brock Lesnar.  ’So what’ you might be saying, ‘lots of people aren’t scared to die.’  But this fellow actually thinks he could survive and hold his own.  I’m pretty sure he thinks he could beat Lesnar in a fight.  Because I’m a good friend who likes to see dreams come true, and cocky jackasses blood spilled, I’ve made it my mission to set up such a fight if ever given the opportunity to meet Lesnar.  This morning, I received a text message asking me to set up this match as quickly as possible.  It appears big Brock’s weakness has been uncovered.

Like the great warrior Achilles, Brock Lesnar appears invincible but has a lurking vulnerability.  By some incredible coincidence, Achilles’ weakness was his Achilles heel.  That’s almost as unlikely as Lou Gehrig contracting a disease that bears his name.  For Brock, it seems his weakness is his intestines because he’s been receiving treatments for a bacterial infection in his intestinal tract.  Frank Mir is kicking himself right now for not employing more holds that would infect Lesnar’s fragile intestines.

UFC president Dana White has expressed concerns that Lesnar may never fight again.  Since everyone now knows how to defeat the great beast, would anyone really want to see him back in the octagon, spoiling his young legacy?  Until now, Lesnar has flaunted his unstoppable nature.  His torso features a large sword tattoo, which seems to suggest that he’s even impervious to being stabbed [ED. Note: No Homo]. But now that we know the monster can be felled by a microscopic organism, the fearsome persona is gone.

As for my friend, I’ll be working to get him that fight with a debilitated Brock Lesnar.  Until Brock contracts a disease that completely paralyzes him or robs him of his toaster-like hands, I’m making him a heavy favorite against any amateur.

Tags: Brock Lesnar, MMA, UFC

UFC 100 (GROWL) (Metal)

We couldn’t go any further without posting something about this weekend’s UFC 100 event.  Everyone wants to talk about Brock Lesnar going nuts after his domination of Frank Mir, flipping off the crowd and scaring  Joe Rogan to the point of pissing his pants in the post-fight interview.  Or they want to talk about Georges St. Pierre big win over Thiago Alves and whether or not he should move up a weight class.  Those two guys are impressive and I wouldn’t want to anger either of them by not at least giving them a mention, but I’d like to shift the focus over to Dan Henderson.  He had the KO of the night with his monster right hand to Michael Bisping’s jaw, plus he had a finishing move that he probably stole from Mortal Kombat.  Honestly, if the ref hadn’t stepped in, would anyone have been surprised Hendo ripped out Bisping’s heart?

This just advances the theory that you don’t mess with guys with shitty nicknames.  If you run across a guy whose friends are calling him ‘fairy’, he’s either harmless and lives up to the nickname, or he’s so tough, he needs a terrible nickname because even ‘beefcake’ won’t suffice.  If that guy is a UFC fighter, you should probably assume the latter. 

Bisping is known as ‘The Count’, a pretty solid moniker for a Brit.  Henderson goes by the unassuming and not so creative ‘Hendo’.  Of course he’s going to be a monster in the Octagon.  He needs a crap nickname because even calling him ‘Super Killer’ wouldn’t do him justice. 

I, on the other hand, am known as ‘History’s Greatest Monster’ because my strikes land like butterfly kisses.  No, I’m not kicking you in the face anymore, Grandma, I don’t care how much it tickles. 

Tags: Brock Lesnar, Dan Henderson, Georges St. Pierre, MMA, UFC

It’s About Damn Time

You know how every UFC fight is a disappointment?  Don’t get me wrong, some end well.  Watching somebody get choked out while they are on their feet is always good.  Machida’s KO on Evans was nice.  But none of them quite live up to billing.  That’s probably because the only worthwhile knock-out is KO by flying knee. 

Unfortunately, I’m sure the fight shown in the above video lasted through a bunch of boring jabs and measuring before the knee, but at least there was a knee to end it.  Most fights include all the boring stuff, plus they end with something boring.  Sometimes Joe Rogan even struggles to hit his nasally, whiny peak pitch.  And that guy screams with excitement any time two shirtless dudes collide. 

That was an unfounded gay joke and a sign that my day is done. 

Bootlegged from WithLeather

Tags: MMA, UFC

Nighty-Night Loser

I’ve been thinking about posting this for a couple of days and I’m feeling especially lazy today.  So, hooray, video of a guy getting choked out.  Unfortunately, it’s not as erotic as it sounds. 

While watching UFC fights, you know how everyone roots for to get knocked out on his feet so he can get all jelly-legged and then violently slump to the mat?  Well, this is kind of like that, except the guy goes unconscious with another guy hanging on him like a tree sloth.  So, in a way, it’s way better but way more homosexual. 

I’m going to stop talking about it because I think I’m just making it worse.  Enjoy awesomeness.

Bootlegged from BuzzCuts

Tags: MMA, UFC