Breaking News: No News

'I won't tell anyone our fingers touched if you don't'

Before the college football season started, the media couldn’t stop talking about Tim Tebow and Sam Bradford coming back to school and possibly leading their teams to a national title.  Oh and there was a little something in there about Colt McCoy also.  I think he plays at Texas but he doesn’t have a Heisman Trophy so why would I waste my time memorizing information about him?  In other news, Tim Tebow was born in the Philippines on August 14th, 1987 and his middle name is Richard.  His friends call him Tim.  I call him Dick.

Now that we are a full month into the season, plenty has changed.  Of course I don’t mean people have stopped talking about Tebow and Bradford.  I mean, people are talking about Tebow and Bradford being injured.  I know, I was as surprised as you that Timothy could get injured.  But, I guess he accepted that possibility when he agreed to let God send him to Earth to become man.

Bradford injured his throwing shoulder in Oklahoma’s first week loss to BYU and is trying to make it back in time for the Sooners’ meeting with Miami.  And this just in, he might just get to play.  Or maybe he won’t.  OU head coach Bob Stoops broke the news to reporters today that he doesn’t know when Bradford will be ready to play.  He then shone some light on other issues by saying he doesn’t know if there’s an after-life and he doesn’t know if there’s intelligent life on another planet.

As for Tebow, he suffered a concussion in Florida’s road win over Kentucky this past weekend.  Urban Meyer would like you to know that Tim suffered a concussion.  Well, that’s helpful.  What everyone wants to know, however, is whether Tebow will be ready for the Gators’ trip to LSU in two weeks.  That’s a question Meyer isn’t addressing.  That along with questions regarding his sexual history, credit history and what he’s having for dinner tonight.  Your guess is as good as mine as to why he’s being so coy about the last one.

The conclusion you can draw from these stories is that if you want news about college football, too damn bad.  Nobody wants to tell you anything you didn’t already know.  Joe Paterno on questions about Penn State’s loss to Iowa: ‘we lost.’  Steve Sarkisian’s response to his team’s let-down against Stanford: ‘I used to work with Pete Carroll.’  Randy Shannon’s statement after Miami’s loss to Virginia Tech: ‘Our school colors are orange, green and white.’

At least in the NFL, Chris Mortensen will lie to you to make it seem like there’s breaking news.

Tags: Bob Stoops, Florida, football, NCAA, Oklahoma, Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow, Urban Meyer

Back to Secret Ballots For College Coaches

Just Not My Ballot

The American Football Coaches Association announced today that starting in 2010 the final regular-season USA Today Coaches Poll will be confidential once again.  They made this decision after asking Gallop for advice on how to make college football better.

Other changes include only ranking 10 or 15 teams instead of 25, and also possibly doing away with preseason rankings.

And why not?  Isn’t this exactly what all the fans have been screaming for?  I think everyone agrees that the biggest problem with the BCS is it’s transparency, openness and fairness.  Making the post-season selections more secretive and less inclusive,  while adding some more distractions, controversy and vindictiveness is just what college football needs. 

Unfortunately some coaches just don’t seem to get it.  Mark Richt of Georgia is obviously a Paranoid Polly, and was just a Negative Nancy about the whole thing. 

“I think there needs to be some accountability. … It’s probably not good. … I didn’t mind opening up my vote.  I vote myself.  I don’t give it to a GA.  I literally will sit up.  I don’t usually sleep after a game anyway, and I might call my vote in at 1 or 2 in the morning and I try to make it make sense.  I want to be able to defend my vote every week whether it’s public or not.

Yeah, whatever Mark.  I think I speak for all football fans when I say that we want to know as little about how and why teams are selected to play in the BCS as possible.  And I’m sure that no coach would intentionally drop a competitor or rival in the rankings for personal gain or revenge.  Lane Kiffin comes to mind… But I’m sure that’s just silly talk.

Now, Urban Meyer on the other hand seems to get it, and gave this ringing endorsement.

“I think that’s good.  I don’t really have a strong feeling one way or the other.  But I think it’s fine.  I think there’s arguments both ways.  We all know how competitive things are, whether it be a fan base, whether it be recruiting, whether it be friendships.  I think at some point you have to trust the people who vote.  Obviously Grant Teaff and the people who oversee it will look at it will look at it, and if someone’s voting and it doesn’t make much sense, I think they’ll pull their ballot.”

Yes, there it is.  The most glowing approval the A.P. could get was “it’s fine I guess.”  And I think it’s great how Meyer justifies this by falling back on the level-headed, unbiased, fair-mindedness of the AFCA director.

I hope the next rule changes include secret replays so that only officials can see them and a classified, subjective scoring system based on the quality of the thouchdown.  Sports are so boring without shitty, pointless controversy.

Tags: BCS, College Football, Lane Kiffin, Mark Richt, NCAA, Urban Meyer

Clemson Needs Help

Dear Mack, give me the courage to call the right plays, Amen

Last season, Clemson decided to fire their football coach, Tommy Bowden, after nearly a decade and replace him with assistant coach Dabo Swinney.  Despite having no head coaching experience and a name that would suggest he is barely qualified to make my burgers, Swinney finished out the season with a 4-3 record and looked like he knew what he was doing.  Looks, however, can be deceiving. 

Swinney reportedly spent time earlier this month with Texas head coach Mack Brown to learn how to be a better head coach.  In a related story, I’ve asked Terrell Owens to teach me to be a better person. 

Back to Brown and Swinney, do I dare say bromance?  (Dare, Dare) Yes, the two coaches spent enough time together to announce their brewing bromance to the world.  Ugh, excuse me while I scrub this self-contempt off of me… wait for it… it’s stubborn… damn Brodie Jenner… there we go. 

I’m sure Swinney collected some relevant and useful tips from a guy who has 30 years of coaching experience and over 200 career wins.  Brown’s first tip was, ’some of the best recruits in the country can be found right in your backyard and most of them are already fans of your school, be sure to offer them a scholarship.’

Brown went on to suggest starting the number one prospect in the nation whenever possible, especially if they’re named Vince or Ricky.  Also, if your team is ranked lower than you’d like, loudly complain to any and every reporter you can scare up. 

It remains to be seen if Brown’s wisdom will make an impact at Clemson, but a similar philosophy has been paying dividends for Pete Carroll and Urban Meyer.

Tags: Clemson, Dabo Swinney, football, Mack Brown, NCAA, Pete Carroll, Texas, Urban Meyer

Lane Kiffin Shall Throw the First Stone

Why would I cheat? Have you seen my wife?

The more things change at Tennessee, the more they stay the same.  It wasn’t long ago that Phil Fulmer was crowing about how much some rival coaches cheated during recruiting, while he had never dreamed of committing an NCAA violation.  Now, new Tennessee head man Lane Kiffin has taken up that battle cry, calling out the Vols best SEC competition, Florida. 

I’m not saying that I don’t believe Kiffin when he says Urban Meyer cheated to try to land this kid.  I’m saying Kiffin did too.  I’m really supposed to believe the 13th best wide-receiver prospect, who happens to be from Florida and a Percy Harvin clone, would not only de-commit from Florida, but would give up improper benefits and sign with Tennessee just because Lane Kiffin is such a great coach and he looks stellar in orange?  Well, now that I type it out, it doesn’t sound so implausible. 

It still seems strange that Tennessee coaches are so vocal about who else is cheating in the recruiting game.  I’m sure there will be a study done soon by the rest of the SEC to find out why that is.  I would suggest starting with playing “Rocky Top” backwards.  You’d be shocked at what it says.

Tags: Florida, football, Lane Kiffin, NCAA, Phil Fulmer, SEC, Tennessee, Urban Meyer