Usain Bolt Has A Cheetah

You're going to be disappointed when your read the story

I found out today that Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt recently purchased a baby cheetah.  Needless to say, I was excited.  Images of Mike Tyson’s tiger and the high-jinx that would invariably ensue flooded my brain.  Then, I found out Bolt merely adopted the cat as part of a publicity boost for wildlife conservation in Kenya.  Needless to say, now I’m pretty bummed.

Now I won’t be able to print stories about Usain Bolt’s cheetah escaping and running amok in Jamaica.  And can you imagine if a fellow sprinter was injured by Bolt’s cheetah?  That story would have written itself.

Usain Bolt has always worried about the day when he would have his title of ‘World’s Fastest Man’ taken away, but he appears to have a plan in place to keep that from happening.  Bolt has trained his cheetah to attack anyone who appears faster than it’s master.  For now, most of us are safe, but God forbid Bolt is ever restricted to a wheel chair.

Bolt has spent enough time in the States and in the spotlight that he should understand how to grab headlines.  Adopting a cheetah in a wildlife reserve doesn’t do it.  Buying a cheetah and having him shipped to your home, where you’ve constructed an indoor habitat and plan to race the animal daily, does do it.  And, I know Bolt isn’t a boxer, but maybe people would remember his name for all four years between Olympics if he took some tactics from guys like Floyd ‘you know I keeps a private jet’ Mayweather.  Living a life of luxury, opulence and animals who are dangerously kept away from their natural environment keeps people interested.

At least Bolt chose to adopt an animal that is known for the same thing he is known for, being Jamaican fast.  And most people think cheetahs are great, so well done on that front as well.  He could have been stuck with a loser animal like former Olympic hurdler Colin Jackson, who adopted an eland on the same trip as Bolt.  The AP reports an eland is the largest species of antelope.  But I’m almost positive the eland is an animal that was fabricated to get naturists asking for hand-outs off your back.

‘Oh, you’re collecting for a wildlife reserve?  I think that’s great, but I already gave money to the save the eland fund.  What do you mean you don’t know what an eland is, I thought you were a wildlife expert?  Say, what kind of scam are you pulling here.  Good day to you.’

Tags: Africa, olympics, track and field, Usain Bolt

Usain Bolt Even Fast In Made Up Events

Jamaican sprinter, formerprobable weed smoker and amateur stuntman, Usain Bolt is freakishly fast.  He holds the world record in the 100-meter and the 200-meter.  But wait, do you think he could be the best in the world at the 150-meter?  He’s never run that distance before, at least not in an official competition.  At least he didn’t stop at 150m, he ran it on the way to 200-meters.  Watch the video and find out. 

SPOILER ALERT: Bolt wins in world record time.  Wait a tick, how can there be a world record for an event that isn’t included in any professional track meets?  And what kind of an official race is held on the street with only 4 competitors?  Well, congratulations to Bolt anyway.  Apparently, if you are good at one distance and good at a slightly longer distance, you’ll also be good at the distance in the middle of those two.  I think that’s almost the transitive property but not quite.  Ask your math teacher, by which I mean Google.

Bolt is getting plenty of praise for winning this made up event and setting a world record, but I’m not that impressed.  I myself set a number of world records today.  I now own the fastest time for going down 12 stairs.  Not just any 12 stairs mind you, the ones in my house.  I also have the fastest time walking from my car to my front door, fastest time tying my shoe and the fastest recorded 17.543 meter one-legged hop.  I wish I could lay claim to the fastest time from a seated position to a toilet, but I think fellow Bootlegger, Robbie, has put that record out of reach.   

Bootlegged from FanHouse

Tags: Jamaica, olympics, track and field, Usain Bolt

Puma is Trying To Kill Usain Bolt

It's a trap Usain! Run for your life!

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has been forced out of a track meet in his home country this weekend after he sustained minor injuries in a car accident.  The record-setting track star lost control of his BMW M3 Coupe and went of the road in St. Catherine, Jamaica. 

He’s said to be fine except for some cuts on his feet he sustained when he stepped in a thorn bush while exiting his totaled vehicle.  Because Jamaicans don’t wear shoes, you see.  Those cuts will keep him out of the meet this weekend and possibly cause him to pull out of a 150m street race in England in May. 

In Bolts words: “Mi good man.  Mi alright, a just few cuts man.  Mi alright.”  Seriously.

Reports say it had been raining just before the accident but no clear cause is cited for the one-car crash.  I’ll go ahead and say it though.  Puma wants Usain Bolt out of the picture. 

The athletic apparel company sponsors both the Jamaican track team and Usain Bolt, so their reasons for bringing him harm are unknown.  Still, it was Puma who gave Bolt the BMW to congratulate him on his Olympic success.  He’s a sprinter.  He’s all about speed.  Obviously, he’s going to drive the shit out of any sports car you give him and end up killing himself.  There’s a reason his other car is a 2002 Honda.  So why would Puma give the face of their company an avenue to sure-death? 

I can only imagine that they want to capitalize on their star going out as a hero and a legend before he tarnishes his name.  He’s already admitted to smoking pot, which probably made him a bigger hero in Jamaica, but may have hurt him slightly in America.  It’s probably only a matter of time before he does something that makes the public turn on him.  Puma is just looking out for their investment.  And by looking out, I mean trying to kill him.

Tags: Jamaica, olympics, Puma, track and field, Usain Bolt

Percy Harvin Might Be Jamaican

No, Percy. In this case, positive isn't a good thing

Florida product Percy Harvin left school early for what many assumed would be a successful NFL career.  The beauty of the NFL draft, however, is that the months leading up to it reveal more about a player than 4 years of college could.  For instance, Percy Harvin might have some Jamaican ancestry. 

Harvin, following in the foot-steps of Usain Bolt, has been rumored to be a weed smoker.  He reportedly tested positive for marijuana.  Despite a slower than expected 40-time at the NFL combine, Harvin is widely considered among the fastest players in the draft.  Of course, Bolt is the fastest man in the world, so at what point do we start assuming that pot makes you faster?  That day is today, my friends. 

This positive drug test couldn’t have come at a worse time for Harvin, as he continues to slip down or even off NFL teams’s draft boards.  With questions about his size and attitude and now drug problems, it’s looking more and more likely he’ll end up wallowing with the Raiders. 

Harvin can’t be fully to blame, though.  He’s been playing in the shadow of the college football Jesus for the past two seasons.  I would imagine that would get old, unless of course you’re the FOX announcers one of his apostles.  Percy probably just wanted some headlines to himself, without having to be mentioned with Tim Tebow.  Oops, I did it to him again.  Sorry buddy, I guess you’ll have to go through with that bank robbery.

Tags: Florida, football, NFL, NFL Draft, Percy Harvin, Tim Tebow, Usain Bolt

Usain Bolt Thinks We’re All Stupid

It's like he's asking for a joint to be photoshopped into his hand

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt admitted in an interview with a German newspaper that every child in Jamaica knows how to roll a joint and he tried it when he was young.  Now, he has released a statement through his manager saying he hasn’t smoked pot since he was a child.  Oh my, what a dilemma.  Should we believe the candid interview he gave or a well-thought out press release?  I’m really on the fence with this one.

I’ve never been to Jamaica, but unless there is an elaborate global conspiracy going on, I’m confident in saying that Jamaicans smoke alot of weed.  Usain Bolt is a Jamaican, so I can safely assume that he too smokes pot.  Problem solved.

But wait, he released a statement saying he doesn’t smoke.  Well, now I’m confused again. 

Bolt is rich and he’s a dominant figure in his sport.  Would anyone blame him for smoking out every now and then, especially when it makes him a more approachable and identifiable figure in his home country?  OK, I’m sold, he’s a smoker. 

But on the other hand, there is that statement he released.  Damn… right back to square one. 

Well, here’s something I know for certain, it doesn’t matter to me at all whether or not Usain Bolt is a pot-head.  He’s the fastest sprinter in the world and is already considered among the best of all-time.  He lives in a country that doesn’t frown on marijuana use and he’s a hero there.  Exactly who is affected by his actions?

Oh no, he’s being a poor role model for the children.  Is that the same children that he says are rolling fatties before they get out of diapers?  If so, I’d say he’s being a fairly accurate role model. 

Oh no, he’s wasting his talent and setting a bad example for future athletes.  I think his talent is his to do with what he pleases and future athletes will have the same liberty.  They will either look at Bolt’s career and say, ‘he smoked weed and still won all those gold medals’ or say ‘he smoked weed, that’s probably why he never made it back to the Olympics and now sits with Pete Rose in Vegas selling autographs.’  Either way, I’d say he’s doing what he loves. 

Of course, there’s always that statement he released.

Tags: olympics, track and field, Usain Bolt