Usain Bolt is Still Fast

Jamaican superman Usain Bolt tore the Penn Relays a new one over the weekend when he anchored his county’s 4×100 meter relay team.  Bolt turned in an 8.79 for his leg and captured gold.  For reference, Bolt’s world record in the open 100 meter sprint is 9.58.  However, his countryman Asafa Powell reportedly turned in an 8.70 for his leg of the 4×100 relay at the 2008 Olympics.

Still, covering that much ground in that little time got me to thinking, what can I do in less than nine seconds.  The result was discouraging.  I can’t even think of things I can do in less than nine seconds in less than nine seconds.  I can type “things I can do in less than nine seconds” in less than nine seconds, but that’s about it.

So this post doesn’t contain a record breaking feat nor does it reveal Usain Bolt’s greatest performance of all time.  But before you make me apologize for wasting your time, let me tell you why I brought you this video.  Sometimes, I get to thinking that I’m pretty quick.  As I sprint past 40-year-old men in a pick-up football game or run down lazy fly balls in beer league softball, I ponder whether I could have been one of the greats.  Then Usain Bolt storms in a does something like this.  That’s when I remember that no matter how good I get at anything, there’s always someone out there who is better.  And I don’t think I’m the only one who realizes this while watching Bolt.  I guess what I’m saying is that Usain Bolt is killing the dreams and aspirations of the world’s youth every time he runs.  Stop it, Usain.  You’re a real jackass.

Bootlegged from Fourth Place Medal

Tags: Jamaica, track and field, Usain Bolt

Usain Bolt Has A Cheetah

You're going to be disappointed when your read the story

I found out today that Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt recently purchased a baby cheetah.  Needless to say, I was excited.  Images of Mike Tyson’s tiger and the high-jinx that would invariably ensue flooded my brain.  Then, I found out Bolt merely adopted the cat as part of a publicity boost for wildlife conservation in Kenya.  Needless to say, now I’m pretty bummed.

Now I won’t be able to print stories about Usain Bolt’s cheetah escaping and running amok in Jamaica.  And can you imagine if a fellow sprinter was injured by Bolt’s cheetah?  That story would have written itself.

Usain Bolt has always worried about the day when he would have his title of ‘World’s Fastest Man’ taken away, but he appears to have a plan in place to keep that from happening.  Bolt has trained his cheetah to attack anyone who appears faster than it’s master.  For now, most of us are safe, but God forbid Bolt is ever restricted to a wheel chair.

Bolt has spent enough time in the States and in the spotlight that he should understand how to grab headlines.  Adopting a cheetah in a wildlife reserve doesn’t do it.  Buying a cheetah and having him shipped to your home, where you’ve constructed an indoor habitat and plan to race the animal daily, does do it.  And, I know Bolt isn’t a boxer, but maybe people would remember his name for all four years between Olympics if he took some tactics from guys like Floyd ‘you know I keeps a private jet’ Mayweather.  Living a life of luxury, opulence and animals who are dangerously kept away from their natural environment keeps people interested.

At least Bolt chose to adopt an animal that is known for the same thing he is known for, being Jamaican fast.  And most people think cheetahs are great, so well done on that front as well.  He could have been stuck with a loser animal like former Olympic hurdler Colin Jackson, who adopted an eland on the same trip as Bolt.  The AP reports an eland is the largest species of antelope.  But I’m almost positive the eland is an animal that was fabricated to get naturists asking for hand-outs off your back.

‘Oh, you’re collecting for a wildlife reserve?  I think that’s great, but I already gave money to the save the eland fund.  What do you mean you don’t know what an eland is, I thought you were a wildlife expert?  Say, what kind of scam are you pulling here.  Good day to you.’

Tags: Africa, olympics, track and field, Usain Bolt

Usain Bolt Even Fast In Made Up Events

Jamaican sprinter, formerprobable weed smoker and amateur stuntman, Usain Bolt is freakishly fast.  He holds the world record in the 100-meter and the 200-meter.  But wait, do you think he could be the best in the world at the 150-meter?  He’s never run that distance before, at least not in an official competition.  At least he didn’t stop at 150m, he ran it on the way to 200-meters.  Watch the video and find out. 

SPOILER ALERT: Bolt wins in world record time.  Wait a tick, how can there be a world record for an event that isn’t included in any professional track meets?  And what kind of an official race is held on the street with only 4 competitors?  Well, congratulations to Bolt anyway.  Apparently, if you are good at one distance and good at a slightly longer distance, you’ll also be good at the distance in the middle of those two.  I think that’s almost the transitive property but not quite.  Ask your math teacher, by which I mean Google.

Bolt is getting plenty of praise for winning this made up event and setting a world record, but I’m not that impressed.  I myself set a number of world records today.  I now own the fastest time for going down 12 stairs.  Not just any 12 stairs mind you, the ones in my house.  I also have the fastest time walking from my car to my front door, fastest time tying my shoe and the fastest recorded 17.543 meter one-legged hop.  I wish I could lay claim to the fastest time from a seated position to a toilet, but I think fellow Bootlegger, Robbie, has put that record out of reach.   

Bootlegged from FanHouse

Tags: Jamaica, olympics, track and field, Usain Bolt

Puma is Trying To Kill Usain Bolt

It's a trap Usain! Run for your life!

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has been forced out of a track meet in his home country this weekend after he sustained minor injuries in a car accident.  The record-setting track star lost control of his BMW M3 Coupe and went of the road in St. Catherine, Jamaica. 

He’s said to be fine except for some cuts on his feet he sustained when he stepped in a thorn bush while exiting his totaled vehicle.  Because Jamaicans don’t wear shoes, you see.  Those cuts will keep him out of the meet this weekend and possibly cause him to pull out of a 150m street race in England in May. 

In Bolts words: “Mi good man.  Mi alright, a just few cuts man.  Mi alright.”  Seriously.

Reports say it had been raining just before the accident but no clear cause is cited for the one-car crash.  I’ll go ahead and say it though.  Puma wants Usain Bolt out of the picture. 

The athletic apparel company sponsors both the Jamaican track team and Usain Bolt, so their reasons for bringing him harm are unknown.  Still, it was Puma who gave Bolt the BMW to congratulate him on his Olympic success.  He’s a sprinter.  He’s all about speed.  Obviously, he’s going to drive the shit out of any sports car you give him and end up killing himself.  There’s a reason his other car is a 2002 Honda.  So why would Puma give the face of their company an avenue to sure-death? 

I can only imagine that they want to capitalize on their star going out as a hero and a legend before he tarnishes his name.  He’s already admitted to smoking pot, which probably made him a bigger hero in Jamaica, but may have hurt him slightly in America.  It’s probably only a matter of time before he does something that makes the public turn on him.  Puma is just looking out for their investment.  And by looking out, I mean trying to kill him.

Tags: Jamaica, olympics, Puma, track and field, Usain Bolt

Percy Harvin Might Be Jamaican

No, Percy. In this case, positive isn't a good thing

Florida product Percy Harvin left school early for what many assumed would be a successful NFL career.  The beauty of the NFL draft, however, is that the months leading up to it reveal more about a player than 4 years of college could.  For instance, Percy Harvin might have some Jamaican ancestry. 

Harvin, following in the foot-steps of Usain Bolt, has been rumored to be a weed smoker.  He reportedly tested positive for marijuana.  Despite a slower than expected 40-time at the NFL combine, Harvin is widely considered among the fastest players in the draft.  Of course, Bolt is the fastest man in the world, so at what point do we start assuming that pot makes you faster?  That day is today, my friends. 

This positive drug test couldn’t have come at a worse time for Harvin, as he continues to slip down or even off NFL teams’s draft boards.  With questions about his size and attitude and now drug problems, it’s looking more and more likely he’ll end up wallowing with the Raiders. 

Harvin can’t be fully to blame, though.  He’s been playing in the shadow of the college football Jesus for the past two seasons.  I would imagine that would get old, unless of course you’re the FOX announcers one of his apostles.  Percy probably just wanted some headlines to himself, without having to be mentioned with Tim Tebow.  Oops, I did it to him again.  Sorry buddy, I guess you’ll have to go through with that bank robbery.

Tags: Florida, football, NFL, NFL Draft, Percy Harvin, Tim Tebow, Usain Bolt